Boyfriend, new attraction, and emotional/intellectual connection...

To start, thank you so much for reading.

I'm a 24-year-old female cohabitating with a 22-year-old man. We've been together now for 1.5 years, living together for about 8 months. We recently relocated out of state together, have a dog...the whole thing. I know that he loves me. He would do anything he can to keep me and to keep me happy. However, I fear the one thing I need is something that he cannot provide.

I feel like we're great friends. We like the same movies, same music. We have the same sick, silly sense of humor. However, I do not feel that we connect emotionally or intellectually. He simply will not talk about his feelings or thoughts or beliefs. This is something that we've discussed, and his response is generally, "What do you want to know?" If I then ask him specific questions, whether it be about his day or his feelings or thoughts, his answers are brief and vague. This has led to my growing feelings of boredom, annoyance, and discontent. I feel loved and supported, but I don't feel that I really know him. This lack of emotional and intellectual intimacy has also led to the gradual drying up of my sexual feelings toward him, which has put immense strain on our relationship.

I am a very cerebral person with a generally low libido, but my physical attraction is always spurred by intelligence and emotional response. I find vulnerable, emotional, intelligent conversation incredibly sexy, and passion always starts in my head rather than my nether regions. My boyfriend first grabbed my attention because of his empathy; he has undergone years of family therapy and has an incredibly admirable capacity to listen to and love me in spite of any emotional baggage I might reveal. I value this quality to no end. I know he is a wonderful man, and I do find so many of his qualities so admirable and valuable.

My boyfriend is as sweet and wonderful as I describe, but I feel that there is such a huge part of him he keeps from me in order to maintain appearances. The man that he desires to be is very admirable indeed, but I get the sense that this is very far from the man he currently is. This creeping suspicion is the result of two technological blunders, leaving information up on my computer that I should not have seen. One instance was a very loving, nostalgic conversation with an ex, which hurt but felt forgivable. The other, more recently, was the active solicitation of webcam sex via Craigslist. He had exchanged numerous emails with females, telling them how hot they were and what he wanted to see them do and show them in return. We've spoken about both instances with little resolution other than that he was drunk and lonely, I was out of town, etc.

Now, this is the real issue: I've met a man recently that has become the object of my interest. He embodies the qualities that my boyfriend doesn't have. He's emotionally open and intellectually engaged. He'll sit at the counter while I work and talk with me for hours. He is empathic and moral and kind and honest, from what I can tell. I also find him physically attractive. We've been plutonic friends for about five months now, having hung out a handful of times one on one to chat and play cards. On the surface, harmless activities. But, I know my feelings, and I know his. I think about him constantly, my amorous pondering perpetuated by guilt. I really, really like him. He knows it and I know it, and I'd venture to say my boyfriend knows it too. Boyfriend has stated before how kind and smart and attractive my new friend is, and how he'd rather see me romantically involved with him than anyone else.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell if I'm just suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome, or if I've genuinely found someone more suitable for me. I don't want to take the easy way out and sell my boyfriend short, but I'm absolutely infatuated for what feels like very good reasons.

Talk some sense into me.

Hi wellbehaved - i find it somewhat strange that your boyfriend said he would rather see you with this other person than with anyone else when at the beginning of your post you mentioned he would do anything to try and keep you...i think you're right in that maybe he is all to aware of how better suited the two of you may be. As for the dalliances with people over the internet, this is absolutely unacceptable - maybe this is just me, but i would certainly be in doubt now over his behaviour.

Clearly your partner isn't happy. He's emotionally guarded, staying in touch with his ex, asking for web cam sex, openly noting your suitability for your friend - i would sit down with him and ask openly about how he feels about your relationship noting all what i listed above. If he isn't forthcoming and gives vague, non descript answers i would seriously consider whether this relationship is worth pursuing. If he pours on the charm and says that thats crazy talk and that he adores you etc etc - ask him where the proof is (surely recent behaviour suggests he has some explaining to do?). Some men are naturally more reserved but even the men i know who are like this like a little intellectual conversation now and again.

It sounds to me like the issues from his past are still very much affecting him so i guess the bottom line is you can either stay and see if over time he manages to resolve this or leave and see what happens with this other guy. You're still young and have plenty of time to have these sorts of experiences but even so, if you're not happy why not take your chances with this guy? Your current partner obviously isn't going to morph into a new person but you need to decide whether its likely he's ever going to possess the qualities you desire. I hope ive been helpful. All the best.

I have to agree with BB2023 -- it seems that your current boyfriend isn't taking his "messing around' on the net very seriously. I for one would raise cain and tell him that I'm NOT going to accept this, and if this continues, I'm outta here!

But first, I'd have a long talk, and ask him WHY he feels he has to do this. What is missing in our relationship that makes him run to his ex, and solicit web sex.? I'd ask him if there was something I was doing or NOT doing that is causing this behavior. I'd also suggest couples counseling -- IF you want to save this relationship.

If he's not going to talk to you, like Bb2023 said -- then forget the counseling, and forget the relationship because obviously he's not willing to put the work into the relationship that you are. I'd get out.

As for your new friend -- go slowly. You don't want to jump into another bad situation. Make sure he's what you THINK he is. Everyone has their faults & warts. Make sure you can live with his. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't HAVE to find your life-long partner now!

Best of luck and I hope things go well for you. God bless and PLEASE let us know what happens, ok? Hugs, Lee

Hello Wellbehaved~

I agree with BB, it's time to sit and have an honest conversation about your relationship and whether what you share compensates for what is lacking. I too find it odd your boyfriend said "how kind and smart and attractive my new friend is, and how he'd rather see me romantically involved with him than anyone else."

It sounds like your boyfriend knows you are not fully happy in your relationship, and knows either a) he can't give you what you're wanting because it isn't his personality or b) he won't give you what you want because he doesn't want to.

I'm gonna say it sounds like a. He knows it isn't his personality. You said you liked him in the beginning for his empathy, which he still has, not because of an intellectual conversation.

My suggestion to you is this: figure out what you want to do, do you want to pursue this relationship any further with your boyfriend? You're not married so it's a lot easier to leave now, rather than after that happens and you have to be granted permission from a judge to break the ties. If you choose to stay with him, I'm sorry but you will have to let the new "friend" go. You've already stated you both (friend and yourself) know you're attracted to each other and interested. It's nearly impossible to remain "just friends" while trying to work through your relationship with your boyfriend.

As for the boyfriend and his online sex...men are physical women are emotional. Yes, both share those traits but not to the same extent most of the time. If you're not keeping his attention in the physical aspect he will look elsewhere for someone else to fill that spot, just as you did for intellectual/emotional. I was in the same boat as you with finding someone more intellectual so this advice comes from the heart even though it's hard to hear.

If his conversation with his ex was purely empathetic in its basis and not romantic saying such things as "I miss you" or "I love you", again, his ability to empathize was your first attraction, can't fault him on that.

The love goggles come off after about a year and we start to see our partners with flaws our brain was able to blind us with when we are in the first stages of love. It sounds like that is what is happening to you now. You're starting to see him for what he is rather than what you think/hope he is. This new man has flaws too, we all do. You're unable to see them at the moment because of your infatuation with his intelligence which creates an emotional connection for you.

Being life partners whether someone is married or not isn't about great happy times and lovey dovey moments. Ask yourself this with your boyfriend...Does he respect me and do I respect him? Do we put each other down? Do we support each other's dreams, goals, and aspirations? Do we want the same thing when it comes to retirement? Where do we stand on politics, religion, children, family values, or the role of partners in marriage?

So many times we feel like we have to be in love 100% of the time to have a happy lifelong marriage. Honestly love and being in love is little pieces of lifelong partnership. The intellectual/emotional connection you're missing with him you can find in your relationships with friends. I'm only 32 and just now starting to think about all this, it seriously helps talking with older men and women about relationships. They have lived, loved, and lost. Perhaps find an older woman to help you work through it and see what is really important in life.

I wish you all the best as you find your way through life's challenges.