[iliketherain]

Hi guys. For those of you that don't know, I've been in a horrible relationship for the past 5 years. This guy has been emotionally and (rarely) physically abusive, has cheated and lied, and generally awful towards me a great deal of the time.

I posted on here a few months ago, and received a lot of encouragement to stop talking to him.

I have tried so much, but it seems like I can't. I know I should, but I can't.

I have lost so much of myself and gained so little from this relationship.

What do I do exactly? I've tried therapy, talking with friends and family, and yet I keep going back?

This has me pretty convinced that I'm completely insane.

[iliketherain]

I can't do this anymore. I would honestly rather die than continue to put up with this crap.

This whole thing is driving me insane. Why would someone be so awful to another person?

My entire life has been ruined by this relationship. I have nothing left.

[Confusedinomicon]

Can you look into therapy groups that deal with relationship abuse? I think the problem you're having is regaining your own identity outside of the relationship. 5 years is a long time, too. That's why I suggest a group setting where you meet people who are in different stages of recovery from abusive relationships. They could also be good because you can make friends with other people at these groups that can help keep you motivated. It can also be a tool to learn what a healthy relationship is so you don't end up dating a guy who is similar to your current.

Since you posted I think you really do want to get well. Keep posting, too, and give updates. You may need more positive feedback so you feel good about no contact.

[iliketherain]

I can't even thank you enough for that right now.

That is a very good idea and I am looking into this right now. Your advice could not have come at a better time.

Thank you so much.

[Confusedinomicon]

No problem. I hope everything works out for you!

I can understand how hard it is to step away after investing so much emotionally into a partnership with someone. It sounds as though you are more afraid of being alone than being with someone who is invalidating and abusive. I think you need to examine, with a therapist possibly, what these feelings towards your partner are doing for you and as another poster mentioned, work on better establishing your own identity. I hope in time you see this as an oppertunity to move on and find someone more worthy of your love. Keep us updated, all the best.

[iliketherain]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I haven't really progressed at all.

Right now I'm working to save money, so that I can buy take some tests for professional schools. Unfortunately, that in and of itself is pretty depressing.

I am really trying to feel confident in myself to leave this situation, but it seems mostly to no avail. I find myself questioning my reasons for ever wanting to get out of this relationship at times.

I do not see him really at all. I plan on visiting him in December, as he is in law school and cannot visit me because we live almost 12 hours apart. My life has become so sad, and I spend most of my time being depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

I guess this is the reality of life. I am so sad though. I wish I had some friends and that I could afford therapy. I really want friends again.

I don't know where you live, but many places have clinics and therapists where pay is on a sliding scale. I went to one clinic years ago and I only had to pay $20 per visit because I didn't have much money. I'm not sure why you don't have friends, but that's normal when other issues are going on that prevent you from making friends. It can be fixed! You just need someone to talk to and help you sort all this out.

Please keep posting here about your situation and I'm sure you'll get some good ideas about how to proceed. The relationship sounds toxic, and you need to figure out why you're unable to end it. It sounds like you just need some help, so please keep searching for solutions. They will come!