[Maven]

I love my mom. I really do. But sometimes, I get frustrated with her. She just called me a few minutes ago, and it was one of her "guess what I want" calls. She asked me if my bf and I went grocery shopping, as we usually do on Mondays, but we hadn't, because he didn't feel like it. Then, she changes the topic and starts with her cryptic method of speaking, where I'm supposed to guess what she wants. She can't just ask, and make both of our lives simpler. She says, "You know that gynecologist..." and I say, "What gynecologist?" She says, "On (street name)." I say, "I don't know where that is. I'm really bad at street names." She says, "Over here in (city)." "Ok," I say, "I don't know what one you mean. What about her?" She said, "0600." "Huh?" "0600." "What about 0600?" "That's the number." "Um, ok." "I forget her name." "Ok. Sorry, I don't know who you mean." She says, "Well, never mind, I'll do it." I say, "Do what?" She says, "Make an appointment." I say, "What?" "She says, "No, it's ok, I'll do it tomorrow. I can make it for my schedule, so it'll be better." I'm like, "Ok." And we hang up.

She does this a lot. She's afraid to ask for what she wants, and then I get frustrated trying to figure her out, and she thinks I'm upset because she's bugging me, but I'm upset because I want her to come out and just tell me what she wants. We have to play these games all the time. Even if I tell her I'm not upset at the favor she wants, that I just want her to tell me what she wants, she doesn't believe me. She thinks it's the favor.

That said, some of her favors are a bit odd. I mean, why does she want me to make a gyno appointment for her? Many, many years ago, while I was a teen and living with her, she had me call to see if a company was hiring. I felt silly, and just as I expected, the guy asked me, "Why isn't your mom calling us, if she wants the job?" I didn't know what to say.

How do I get patience to deal with my mom? I don't usually snap at her as much as I used to, but I don't want her to feel like she's bothering me. I just want her to come out and ask me what she wants.

offer your mother a gentle suggestion that she see a therapist so that she can talk about her difficulty in coming out and asking for what she needs. it's highly unlikely that she is doing this to "bug" anyone. this could be her only way of articulating her needs. perhaps something happened to her at some time, long ago, that has caused this.

[hillbunnyb]

Yo Maven, I'm with fayerody, sounds like she could use a little professional help. A third person can also be helpful in setting upa communication routine for you two to use. Some folks need to be walked through functional behavior cause they've never experienced it successfully. A professional's advice is often an easier pill to swallow than one's child's....... In the mean time when she drives you nuts, go throw ice cubes.....

[Maven]

It's a good idea, but she wouldn't go. She won't even call the doctor when she has problems if she has an appointment coming up; she doesn't like to go, which I don't blame her, but she risks her health. Right now, I told her to call the dr. for a problem she just started having today, and she said she has to go Wed., so she won't call. When she broke her hip, she did it around 11am, but didn't call me until around 5, and her neighbor, who called an ambulance shortly before my bf and I arrived at the house (we didn't know the ambulance would be there). She'd told me she was on the floor and couldn't get up. Later, I asked her why she didn't call me or someone earlier, and she said she didn't want to bother anyone!!!

[Zen888]

Hi

I think you should set boundaries and limits with your mom. I dont think its a matter of "getting patience" with her.

Take Care,

Dubz

[Maven]

I'm not sure what you mean. I don't do all the favors she asks--some I can't, because of my OCD. If she gets upset with me, though, she calls my sister, who calls me, and tries to get things back to peaceful ways. The attitude, basically, is that I'm angry over nothing, and my mom is a victim. I don't know if it's real or not, but if my mom gets really upset, she'll start with, "I can't breathe," or, "Oh, I have to sit down," or, "My chest hurts." And I'm the bad guy.

Oh, let me tell you one thing that happened a few months ago, that still p***es me off like crazy. I know my mom talks about me to her friends and other family members...I know this not only from things that happen, but because I've overheard her, especially when I was a teen and young adult still living with her (but also since adulthood and moving out).

Anyway, we were at Wal-mart, and my mom and I were looking at clothes. My late brother's ex-wife's son (I'll call him Bill) and his girlfriend/wife (I'll call her Kate) came in the store and spotted us. I hadn't met Kate before. They came over to us, and immediately, Bill hugs me. I was extremely uncomfortable with this, because my OCD makes me feel dirty when people touch me, especially people like Bill. He starts talking to us, and I'm just nodding, my head swimming with OCD thoughts and pressure, and thinking of the washing ritual I have to go through now, and having to put back the clothes in my arms. Kate suddenly opens her mouth and says to me, "You need to help your mom out more." I was shocked, because my mind is now in OCD-mode and distracted. Normally, I'd tell her off, but my mind is too active at that moment. She continued, "I mean, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but..." and my mom was afraid I'd start b****ing at her (I know my mom), so she began defending me. I do all I can, and deal with a lot of guilt as to what I can't. I get my boyfriend to do things he isn't obligated to do. I was the one who went with my mom to the hospital, stayed there (with my boyfriend) till 2 am while she was in surgery, visited her almost every single day, shopped for her, took her stuff, made calls for her, and did other things. And here, this b**** who's never even met me, starts telling me what I need to do???

Anyway, Bill got on me, too. He told me I should buy a car. I said with what money? He said I could get one with only a few hundred dollars. I don't have a few hundred dollars. I don't even have one hundred dollars most of the time! Not even close! Anyway, I can't touch used things, including used cars. Finally, I managed to pull myself together enough to say half-firmly, "Do you know what OCD is?" And I explained it. I also explained panic disorder, to which he said, "Oh, yeah, Kate has a little bit of that." Kate doesn't have sh**! They don't even know what the hell they're talking about! After we left them, I went to wash in Wal-mart's bathroom, which isn't easy, if you've been to one that has the newer sinks that ours has (I don't know if they all have them). They're motion-activated (but not very sensitive) and shoot out a thin stream of water. I can't seem to get through a washing without my hands hitting the bottom of the sink, which has a pool of water (the sink is a continuous wiggle-shaped series of sinks, actually), and that's hard for me to deal with; I don't feel like I can get clean.

Sorry...I got off-topic there.

One thing I try to keep in mind when dealing with my mom is, she was one of 11 or 12 kids (one who died at birth). She didn't get the proper attention she deserved. I think she was the youngest girl, but I might be wrong; maybe the oldest.

[eskielover]

Maven,

This is really a complicated situation isn't it? It sounds like there are alot of things going on with everyone involved.

Sounds like Mom doesn't have much self esteme. It sounds like she doesn't know what she needs to do to handls things in her own life. It also sounds like her communication skills were never developed throughout her whole life.....never grew up in that area & needs alot of work to even realize what she isn't able to do. She seems to be thinking that it is only an issue of bothering you, not an issue of communication. It also sounds like she is afraid to talk to people she doesn't know. Possibly for fear that she won't know how to handle any situation that may arise when talking to others. It isn't impossible to fix, but at her age, & having been the way she is for probably her whole life, she probably doesn't even know what the real problem is. She may feel safer depending on others to do what she needs done. It sounds like she doesn't want to be a bother, but it sounds like she doesn't really know how to ask the questions necessary for others to understand what she is trying to get at either.

I agree with the others that outside help would be great, but it doesn't sound like she realizes what the real problem is, so I would guess that she doesn't even think that she needs any help. It also sounds like over the years, she has mastered manipulation too.....that is where the "chest pains" & "can't breathe" comes in. It's a way to get people to do what they want by causing people to think they are causing the person to hurt & we don't want to see them suffer.

I am rather surprised with your OCD that you have been able to deal with Mom as well as you have. That has to be quite a challenge & very difficult on you. I am not sure how old your Mom is.....but the older they get the more set in their ways they are & the harder (or even impossible) it is to change behaviours like this.

My mother had some similar issues. She was able to take care of her own appointments however in the end (80 years old), she didn't take care of herself soon enough to catch her cancer before it ended up being stage IV & dying 7 months after the surgery. Thourghout her life, to me, she always seemed to lack intelligence & to be honest , now I truely hate her for what she did in the end. Her cognative abilities were so poor (stroke or cancer moving to the brain?) she wasn't capable of making logical decisions....they were only based on emotion but no one would back me up. Little did any one know that the consequences of her manulipation would cause the home care RN to enter into the situation & steal all the valuable jewelry, steal my mothers ID, OD my mother on morphine, & even had the police called to accuse me of abusing my mother. The whole time, her surgeon swore that "he got it all". When I finally got her Surgeon to talk to me 3 weeks before she died, he confirmed what I thought all along. He told me that "my mother didn't give him anything to work with when she came to him". Then why did he keep telling us that he got it all. My mother was never told how serious the cancer was & that the cancer was spreading. She never once said anything to me about the cancer....she really believed that he saved her life & continually asked me when she was going to get better.

After going through this experience, I know how important it is to communicate honestly with family. I know that during my mothers life, when we talked, she was always over sensitive & would over react to things that were said to her. She always took everything so personally that her feelings were always being hurt. I was the only child, I just couldn't deal with her. I was always the tough one.....that knew how to deal with situations that she didn't know how to take care of.....especially with her mother (my grandmother who ended up with altzhiemers). Being tough....I really didn't care how my mother took what I told her......I would constantly be telling her to deal with it & get over it. I didn't have patience for her & I didn't want to have patience. In my mind, it was her problem.....not mine & if she didn't like what I told her I really didn't care. That can be a problem even in my marriage, but I am the one that usually tells it like it is & don't care what my family thinks or does. If they can't deal with reality.....that is their problem. I must admit that my personality with my family is rough at times, but in my own mind....it is their problem if they can't deal with reality...not mine. I don't want patience to deal with people who can't deal with life.

I am sure that having some patience would definitely be much better than the way I am. It woulld smooth things over much better than the way I handle things. There would be less wars being fought.......but developing patience at this point is probably just as difficult as trying to learn how to communicate in the first place.

The art of communication is quite involved....knowing how to get your ideas across so that you can be understood......getting your thoughts across so that they can be peacefully delt with. It is alot to work on & I think the older we get, the harder it is to make changes. It doesn't mean it is impossible, just a difficult task along with needing the desire to make the changes.

Debbie

[Maven]

Thanks, Debbie. I'm sorry you had the experience you did with your mother.

My mom saw the doctor Wednesday, who wants her to go back next week, and see a kidney specialist. My mom said she said there might be an infection. So, I'll have to wait to see what happens there.

I have a lot of guilt, even about things I really don't think I'm wrong for. I can't say to my mom to "get over it," even though, for some things, I think she should. I can do that with other people, just not her. She's 71.

When we end a phone call, she usually won't say, "I have to go"; instead, she asks, "Do you want me to let you go?" She can't even take responsibility for ending a call, except maybe if someone's at the door or there's some reason she has to get off quickly, because she doesn't want you to feel she doesn't want to talk to you.

I learned it's sometimes better to lie to her. When she asked what kind of magazine I was doing that database of addresses for, and I told her it was a magazine on prostitution, I learned it's better not to be honest with her all the time.

somehow your mom needs some help. it sounds as if she has the self esteem of a rock. and she has learned manipulation, probably, because she is so scared of being rejected...if she outright asks anyone for anything....so the circle goes around and around.

you have a understanding that your mom is sick. your resourcefulness is obviously better than hers. if you see a counselor, perhaps you could ask for suggestions. maybe she would read a pamphlet or a book.

i feel very sorry for anyone who is so afraid to feel that she is worthy of attention.......she may be 71, but she could still learn to love herself and to have a better quality life.

p

[Maven]

I wish she would read a pamphlet or a book. She never reads books; I'm not sure she even did when I was a kid. She's read some of the Bible, but I don't think she really understood it; she relied on others to tell her what it meant. She reads some forms and mail, often to me over the phone, asking what this or that means.

If I suggested that she see a counselor, she'd likely just go, "Mmm-hmm." And never go see one. I think she suffers from depression, also. She watches TV most of the time, as far as I know. I mean, she has some friends, so she's not stuck at home watching TV all the time. And she has a car, but doesn't drive much, and doesn't go far. She calls me to tell me, "I can't find my wrestling." I'll check to see what channel and time it's on, and she'll have trouble pushing the right buttons on the remote. I told my bf we should get her one of those big-button remotes; it might help. But she doesn't know what all the buttons on her remote are for, and can't even figure out her answering machine. I tell her she only has to push the volume button once at a time, and it'll go louder, and if it's not loud enough, do it once more, and so on, but she thinks you have to push it a bunch of times in a row.

I would love for her to see someone, but I don't think she sees herself as a person with mental problems. She refers to others as having "problems." But thanks for your suggestions. I will try suggesting a counselor to her, but I don't think she'll go for it.