[doodlefrog]

Things have been very stressful in my marriage lately, although this has been an ongoing thing over the years. This latest episode started a few months ago. I had just finished my degree in June and took my state boards in late July. My husband has dealt with the finances for many years, and I learned a while ago not to question his decisions on our finances. He gets very defensive and angry- but in the past I have felt (or been made to feel?) that since he was the primary breadwinner, I didn't have as much say in the matter, that I should just trust his judgement. We have been struggling financially for quite some time, partly due to me being in nursing school full-time and not being able to work a whole lot. As soon as I knew I passed my boards, I began my job hunt. My husband warned me that we were in danger of having our house go into foreclosure, but I didn't know what else to do except keep hunting for a job. I know our mortgage co. was sending him letters telling him to contact them for help, but it seemed (to me anyways) that he just expected me to land that "dream job" and save us from this. I begged him not to wait and to try to prevent this, but I don't think he ever contacted them. Our house went into foreclosure right before I landed a part time job. He wanted our family to move into my in-laws home, which is in the town we grew up, about 150 miles from where we are now, instead of trying to get our home out of foreclosure. I was a little suspicious of this, given that earlier this year (months before the foreclosure) my FIL passed away and my MIL asked if we would move into their home, given that when she passes away, my husband would inherit the house anyways. They have an apartment attached to the house that she would move into. We had talked about that option at that time, and decided that it wouldn't be a good thing for our family- we have 3 teenagers and they didn't want to leave their friends and changes schools, etc. Also, my one daughter is special needs, and the move would require me to find new specialists and new nursing staff for her, as well as dealing with a new school system that isn't particularly great in special education needs. I really had no desire to move back to my hometown, even if it meant we wouldn't have a house payment.
Anyways, back to the foreclosure. My husband blamed me for letting the house go into foreclosure, saying that I didn't care. And if I didn't care, why should he care, and that's when he said we'll just move. When my husband suggested we just move in with the MIL, I told him that he could, but I would not. The kids told him the same- that they didn't want to move.
Another issue that has come up in this time is that we are preparing to start working on guardianship for my daughter. I have ALWAYS been the one to deal with everything with her- her education, her medical needs and appointments, hiring and scheduling her nurses. My husband has always left all of it up to me, and has rarely attended any meetings or appointments in 15 years. I have talked at length with her HCP's regarding the issue of guardianship. He decided to contact a lawyer to start on guardianship, which was fine. I went to email the lawyer because I wanted to clarify how the guardianship needed to be set up, because when I tried to explain it to my husband multiple times, he didn't seems to understand what I was saying. When my husband saw that I was emailing the lawyer, he exploded, yelling that I was just trying to take things over and confuse things so that he wouldn't know what was going on. It took me completely off guard, because that wasn't my intention at all, and had no idea why he was so angry.
Since then, communication has deteriorated steadily. We barely talk. He will call me on the phone on his way home from work, but once he gets home, he sits in front of the computer playing games all night. There is absolutely no affection from him- no touching, hugging, kissing- nothing. In the beginning of this I still tried to talk and be affectionate, but got to the point like I felt like I was begging for some scrap of acknowledgement from him. I've given up at this point. Sorry this is so long and rambling. There's a lot more to this story, but I figured I'd just post the most current issues.

[Leed]

I'm so sorry it's come to this, but your husband started this by NOT keeping you informed AT ALL about the finances. He didn't see fit to include you on any decision making regarding finances or other decisions, and when you asked he got angry. So what were you supposed to do? KILL him? Now when you want to arrange guardianship for your daughter he has the NERVE to get MAD? How dare he! He has NEVER shown any interest in taking care of this girl, or helping you out at all so how dare he even say ONE word about you doing this! About this time, I think I'd pack his bags and throw his butt out of the house. He has treated you shabbily over the years -- insisting everyone pick up stakes because he didn't do what HE was supposed to do and talk to the finance company and try to save the house. What made him think that anyone wanted to move just because HE wanted to move back with MOMMY. Of course your kids wouldn't want to move! That would be cruel to yank them away from their friends.

This guy is selfish big time. He seems to think only of himself. I don't know if marriage counseling would help or not. He sounds like one of those guys who wouldn't listen to a counselor, but it's worth a try. Ask him and see if he'll go. My bet is he won't. But he might surprise me. LOL

Just don't let him continue to walk all over you my friend. You have rights too! You NEED to know about the finances. You should not be TOLD you're moving, but ASK if you would move or would like to move. And as far as your daughter goes, you have every RIGHT to make the arrangements since he's never shown any interest in anything. So go for it. But don't give away your power. Don't be a doormat. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

As Leed said, don't be a doormat. After my separation from my ex, she was similar to your husband in that she held onto control of the finances with a death grip. I was kept in the dark a lot of the time and if I tried to even help she did the same thing your husband is doing and accused ME of trying to take control and do everything my way, so over the years, through many struggles financially, I bit the bullet. The thing is, now I've got my own finances and although I have the remnants of years of credit problems to clean up now, I also see a lot more cash flow.

I say all this simply for the fact that I see him like my ex, as controlling, and as Leed said, a very selfish person.

That he blamed you for the loss of the house is just crazy. Seems to me he let it go because he had a back up plan and maybe even that was his primary plan - to move back to mama's house. He probably saw "no payment' and forgot everything else and just let it go.

[NoCake]

His ego is distorting his judgement and he refuses to blame himself for any of it... He wants control of everything and no responsibility for when things break down. He seems too in his head to do what's right and I'm sure he will deflect everything on you to protect his ego.

You're going to have to bust it... Stay completely logical in your complaints and watch for when he tries to flip the script or change the subject.

[doodlefrog]

Thank you all for the replies. I have been having the same thoughts, but then the doubts set in. I am slowly realizing the conditioning has been an ongoing thing in my marriage, that he has been using guilt over mistakes I have made to justify his actions and decisions. The last therapist I had seen started waking me up to the reality by suggesting that he may have narcissistic personality disorder and gave me some reading material on it. I did recognize several things from the articles, but haven't been ready to fully acknowledge it till just recently. Looking back on the past 25 years, I can see that there were so many signs (not just financial issues) that I just overlooked or made excuses for- him walking off jobs, switching jobs when he wasn't "happy" or "appreciated", buying a motorcycle and telling me we could afford it (when we couldn't, of course).
I am tired of the lies, the secrecy, the apathy. I have been far from perfect, but I have TRIED. Yes, we have tried counseling in the past without any luck. But I don't even have the energy to want to try that again. It will not change anything- things will be ok for a while, he will be nice and attentive, then something will set it all off again, he will find a new female friend to cry to and tell them how horrible I treat him (but he's never cheated on me??) and I will be a giant piece of crap again, will be told I'm just a ****** for being suspicious, etc. Sorry for the rant- the resentment has built up to a point that I can't take anymore of it. I'm tired, angry, and sad.