[Confusedandlonely]

I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and am turning here because I am planning to go to a therapist but that takes time. My live in boyfriend constantly makes me feel as if I'm worthless or not doing enough. We have a large cultural difference between us- he is middle eastern and I am American. With his culture comes a lot of expectations- I should do all the cooking, cleaning, and work full time. His job is physically demanding and taking a toll on his body. Everyday it is a gamble- will he wake up miserable and take it out on me? This morning despite him being in immense pain he decided to start cooking a large middle eastern meal. However, the air is nasty towards me-angry that I am not cooking this meal or that I don't know how. I don't know why he chose to be with and live with an American if he had these demands. Infact, I've locked myself in the bathroom as I type this so that he does not think I am being lazy n my iPad. I am not allow to relax as he figures I work in an office and do not suffer at work like him. It s quite the contrary. I am not allow to feel sad or grieve the death of my father. If I ask him to go out and get out from the house he says no- however if I try to go out with friends I am punished with the silent treatment and nastiness. He does not have any friends here and his family left back to his country last year. It is like he punishes me for him choosing to stay as well. His latest threat is that he will leave and go back. I know this relationship could never go any further but the thought of him leaving scares me. I still love him and cannot picture life and financially cannot afford this place. I don't know how to move on. It has been two and a half years and I only saw this change once his parents left. I feel so empty and lost. My mom and sister are 2 states away and aside from one close friend I am alone here. I'm scared to feel lonely once he is gone if this is not just another threat. I hope I can find some strength.

I just feel so alone at the moment although he is here and not communicating with me. I know he is looking up flights to leave the country. It hurts to be ignored when I've done nothing wrong. It's as though we are broken up but the break up didn't occur. I just feel so lost and alone.

[Leed]

Dearheart -- you CAN survive without him. What GOOD is he to you? All he does is criticize and abuse you. You ARE being abused, you know. Where he comes from, women are nothing -- so to you, you are "nothing." You are only there to suit his needs. He's angry that you don't know how to cook his kind of meal --- he's mad that you aren't of his culture. He's mad that you don't know this or that or another. He's just plain mad. So let him go back where he belongs!!! But tell him to leave you enough money so you can get back to your family!!!

This man isn't for you, and I don't understand how you can "love" this man. How can you "love" a man who abuses you? Have you been in abusive relatiionships before?

You might think about seeing a therapist. If you have been in abusive relationships before, perhaps theres some reason why you keep getting into these kiind of fixes. Therapy could help you find out why.

But believe me, you CAN survive without this guy, and you'll survive much BETTER. This guy wouldn't let you live -- he's only let you survive and not very well either. You'd be at his beck and call -- plus you'd be his slave. Get out of this -- and find your way back home with your family. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[sesame]

You've already said that you feel lost and alone, but you're scared of feeling lonely? I think you already are. You can still feel lonely with other people around, you know?

I think it's clear that you're both unhappy. He isn't happy where he is, and you aren't happy with him either. He's isolated you from your friends, and even prevented you from grieving over the death of your father. I think that's an incredibly important thing to do.

I feel like you expect and desire to be treated as an equal. Cooking and cleaning aren't jobs reserved for one person, but a job to be shared amongst each other. It's only going to stress you out to continue this. If you don't mind me asking, why are you living there? What are you pursuing? If it's just an office job, I don't see why you can't do it two states away among your family and friends, regardless of whether or not your boyfriend stays. Not knowing you that well, I still think you'd feel better elsewhere.

[perseverance11]

Originally Posted by Confusedandlonely

I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and am turning here because I am planning to go to a therapist but that takes time. My live in boyfriend constantly makes me feel as if I'm worthless or not doing enough. We have a large cultural difference between us- he is middle eastern and I am American. With his culture comes a lot of expectations- I should do all the cooking, cleaning, and work full time. His job is physically demanding and taking a toll on his body. Everyday it is a gamble- will he wake up miserable and take it out on me? This morning despite him being in immense pain he decided to start cooking a large middle eastern meal. However, the air is nasty towards me-angry that I am not cooking this meal or that I don't know how. I don't know why he chose to be with and live with an American if he had these demands. Infact, I've locked myself in the bathroom as I type this so that he does not think I am being lazy n my iPad. I am not allow to relax as he figures I work in an office and do not suffer at work like him. It s quite the contrary. I am not allow to feel sad or grieve the death of my father. If I ask him to go out and get out from the house he says no- however if I try to go out with friends I am punished with the silent treatment and nastiness. He does not have any friends here and his family left back to his country last year. It is like he punishes me for him choosing to stay as well. His latest threat is that he will leave and go back. I know this relationship could never go any further but the thought of him leaving scares me. I still love him and cannot picture life and financially cannot afford this place. I don't know how to move on. It has been two and a half years and I only saw this change once his parents left. I feel so empty and lost. My mom and sister are 2 states away and aside from one close friend I am alone here. I'm scared to feel lonely once he is gone if this is not just another threat. I hope I can find some strength.

I just feel so alone at the moment although he is here and not communicating with me. I know he is looking up flights to leave the country. It hurts to be ignored when I've done nothing wrong. It's as though we are broken up but the break up didn't occur. I just feel so lost and alone.

Hello Confusedandlonely,

Firstly, I am sorry for the death of your father.
I think that should be good to have a T, he would help you to find ressourses to live in before moving on. Do you want to stay with him?

I think he abuses you.

[missbelle]

Call your local spouse abuse center and get some help. Look on the internet for it. You can even go there and stay plus get some excellent counseling. They are wonderful!

[Confusedandlonely]

Originally Posted by sesame

You've already said that you feel lost and alone, but you're scared of feeling lonely? I think you already are. You can still feel lonely with other people around, you know?

I think it's clear that you're both unhappy. He isn't happy where he is, and you aren't happy with him either. He's isolated you from your friends, and even prevented you from grieving over the death of your father. I think that's an incredibly important thing to do.

I feel like you expect and desire to be treated as an equal. Cooking and cleaning aren't jobs reserved for one person, but a job to be shared amongst each other. It's only going to stress you out to continue this. If you don't mind me asking, why are you living there? What are you pursuing? If it's just an office job, I don't see why you can't do it two states away among your family and friends, regardless of whether or not your boyfriend stays. Not knowing you that well, I still think you'd feel better elsewhere.

Thank you everyone for your input and help as I work on moving forward. I work in refugee resettlement which is incredibly rewarding and is part of the reason I have not gone back to my family. I was here for school and never left once I was hired. That is also how I met my boyfriend. I think he will be leaving, he has indicated he is calling his family tomorrow. If he does go, I hope it will help me to move forward sooner.

I think you can't really get much lonelier as it is - he clearly isn't happy and neither are you from the sounds of it so maybe ask yourself what this relationship and these feelings are doing for you? Not a lot of good at the moment it seems...if this man loved you he wouldn't be acting this way. Yes he may have a hard job and an absent family but thats no excuse to treat you like this. I would see if you could go and stay with your close friend for a bit and maybe think about moving back home until you've got the money to find a place of your own. I know that toughs but im not sure what other options are open to you and if the end result is you having a better life in your place without this mans abuse surely thats something worth aiming for? I hope whatever you do works out for the best. Good luck.

[layla11]

Hi, I think I would tell him okay go ahead and move back, and then try not to be around as much as possible. He will probably get more abusive as this seems to be his way. It sounds like you are an abuse victim, confusion is one of the symptoms and not trusting your own thinking. I know the financial thing probably is a problem, but try to have faith in yourself and you will be fine. Their are always ways around finances.