[lou123]

I'll try to make this as as possible

I have been with my bf for over 2.5 years. Throughout this time we have had issues relating to his ex (they were together 5 years). In the beginning he told me she was good in bed. They had a rocky relationship but the sex was amazing and that was what kept them going back to each other. Then she would pop up here and there and he would say she initiated the contact, etc. Then he would try to make me understand that they were childhood friends and its hard to let go of that. We agreed he would only have surface contact with her - how are the kids, Merry Christmas, etc.

I've always been uneasy about her. Given their history I just didn't trust it. Whenever I became suspicious it would turn out they were communicating. We would fight and it would seem like I was the one with the problem.

Note: I knew him as a friend for 6 years before we got together. I knew about how many women he dated and what not. I just thought he was a horny SINGLE guy.

Note: Since I knew about his "amazing" sex with her it created a strain on our sexual relationship that we've never really been able to get past. HE says because he was rough with her (he ikes rough sex) and doesn't want to treat me like just a sex thing he finds it hard. Strange, I know. He loses his erections and I'm just not into it. HE's 50 BTW

Fast forward to this past summer (July). I know its icky, but I was feeling uneasy about us so I checked his phone. OF course I found they had been talking. I asked him and he denied it. I told him I knew and we had a fight and we broke up. I ended up talking to the ex and she filled in all gaps I always wondered about. Turns out they talked quite a bit. They remained sexual with each other for at LEAST 3 months into his relationship with me. To the point he actually told her sex with me wasn't as good.

So turns out they had sex 3 months into our relationship, they talked a lot, suposedly ONE time they rolled around in bed (with clothes on hahaha) but it didn't go anywhere because she stopped it.

HE lied about it every time they spoke. He never told me he saw her, went to lunch with her, rolled around with her. I guess he even called and asked if she was getting it like she needed it.

That's not even it! He also likes young girls. He flirts with them and in the past (in his 40s) he's slept with girls in their 20s. This past summer he took one of the girls he had a fling with (3 years ago) out to lunch.

Why oh why have I decided to try to make things work?
We go to couples therapy together. He seems to be honest now. He claims he hit a low point and HIS therapist thinks he's a sex addict. Thing is early in our relationship we went to couples therapy about her. He lied through his teeth. I feel the difference now - that he's being honest NOW. Even our therapist told me most people would leave.

I can give more details if you want them

[Leed]

Hi lou ~ Yikes! Sorry, but I'd find it really hard to trust this guy, and I think I'd say "Thanks for all the stress but goodbye." I'd be outta there. Who needs that kind of mind games? He's never going to be a one-woman man.

You need to figure out why you have continued to put up with this. Is your self-esteem that low? Don't you realize that you can do BETTER?? Or don't you believe that you can? YES YOU CAN and you DESERVE better!!! You shouldn't be treated like this. Since he must have told you how "amazing" his ex was in bed, he should have stayed with her. Obviously that's all he's concerned about.

Get away from this guy. You can do better than this. Don't let him use you anymore. Seems he humiliates you every chance he gets, i.e. flirting with young girls, calling his ex., seeing her, etc. You have enough proof.

I wish you the best whatever you decide to do. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think that he meets the criteria for sexual addiction, whatever they are - he is just your run-of-the-mill "stay clear of me" guy, and I think you should leave him. Save money on useless couples' therapy and give yourself presents instead - a trip somewhere you have always wanted to go or something along these lines.

[metamorphosis12]

There is something you are getting out of this relationship that you want. Whether it be healthy or most likely u healthy. It is fulfilling some need you have. Otherwise you wouldn't keep doing the crazy dance!

[CastlesInTheAir]

I dont trust the guy either but the fact that he is going to couples therapy says loads....

I try not to judge people much on thier actions unless they continually do things with no sign of remorse or wanting to become a better person.

[boehmsarah559]

I would suggest you leave. I have been in a few relationships like this and it is not worth it. I stayed with someone after I found out they were cheating and they never changed, I had a fear of being lonely but instead I hurt more than ever.

He doesn't sound like a sex addict he sounds like a cheater, and liar. The therapist even said most people would have left.

Has he talked to any other girls since you both have been to therapy?
What is it that you like about this guy and the relationship?
Are your needs being met?
Why do you choose to stay?

[Yoda]

I think it is time to call it quits. You tried. It failed. It is over.



Stayed in bed all mornin' just to pass the time
There's something wrong here there can be no denyin'
One of us is changin'
Or maybe we've just stopped tryin'

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together don't you feel it too?
Still, I'm glad for what we had
And how I once loved you

But, it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
(We can't make it)
Something inside has died and I can't hide it
And I just can't fake it

[lou123]

what is the criteria for sexual addiction?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not think that he meets the criteria for sexual addiction, whatever they are - he is just your run-of-the-mill "stay clear of me" guy, and I think you should leave him. Save money on useless couples' therapy and give yourself presents instead - a trip somewhere you have always wanted to go or something along these lines.

[lou123]

I know it sounds ridiculous but other than this crap we have a good relationship otherwise. We work on a lot of projects together and have this bond that I've never had with anyone - not since I was a kid. Maybe because of that we are better as just friends if that is possible.

I know, I know all that other stuff overshadows anything else and I should throw him out like the sack of **** he's been. If it were easy I wouldn't be on here. I always told myself that cheating was the kiss of death to a relationship. I have always acted that way.

So yes, I question my self esteem for being willing to work on it.

FYI we are both in our 40's - he will be 50 next month. We are both professionals from good families. Educated. I realize I sound like an immature kid who doesn't know better and will learn the hard way.

I tell myself I am taking the mature approach.

No, as far as I know he has not been in contact with anybody he shouldn't be contacting. He has been upfront and honest about everything - almost to a fault. When he talks about interactions he makes sure I understand who he is talking about. He understands he has no leg to stand on and that he's the boy who cried wolf. Although I'm giving it a chance I have not made it easy. Not saying that makes it ok

As you can see I am confused

sorry for spelling/grammar. I'm using my cell

Originally Posted by boehmsarah559

I would suggest you leave. I have been in a few relationships like this and it is not worth it. I stayed with someone after I found out they were cheating and they never changed, I had a fear of being lonely but instead I hurt more than ever.

He doesn't sound like a sex addict he sounds like a cheater, and liar. The therapist even said most people would have left.

Has he talked to any other girls since you both have been to therapy?
What is it that you like about this guy and the relationship?
Are your needs being met?
Why do you choose to stay?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lou123

what is the criteria for sexual addiction?

Well, to start off, it is unclear whether sexual addiction exists. Hence, any set of criteria is up for debate. But behaviors such as occasionally sleeping with girls half your age are so commonplace that they cannot qualify. I would suggest you start with good old wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction

[lou123]

I can't say I'm overly concerned about the dx. Interesting though. Thank you for the information.

When you feel stuck it helps to have people to talk to

[quote=hamster-bamster;2675809]Well, to start off, it is unclear whether sexual addiction exists. Hence, any set of criteria is up for debate. But behaviors such as occasionally sleeping with girls half your age are so commonplace that they cannot qualify. I would suggest you start with good old wikipedia -/quote]

[hamster-bamster]

[QUOTE=lou123;2675962]I can't say I'm overly concerned about the dx. Interesting though. Thank you for the information.

When you feel stuck it helps to have people to talk to

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Well, to start off, it is unclear whether sexual addiction exists. Hence, any set of criteria is up for debate. But behaviors such as occasionally sleeping with girls half your age are so commonplace that they cannot qualify. I would suggest you start with good old wikipedia -/quote]

I would not be concerned with the dx either. I would not think highly of the T who suggested it, though.

You are not illogical in your behavior - there are things that are good about him; he is a good friend; he is (brutally) honest; he opens up in therapy.

[lou123]

Funny you say that about the therapist because he isn't necessarily my ideal therapist, but being in that environment almost forces us to talk. We're more open than we are when we talk just one on one. It is weird. He's there and I say something and he asks my bf what he thinks about that and so on and so forth.

For today I am going to work on this. We may not end up together. I think that is clear. It is an exercise in talking through it and understanding what all of this did to us as individuals and as a couple or friends. For today I am willing to explore and understand. Forgive? Hopefully. Forget? Never. Move on. Yes? Together? that remains to be seen

I go in circles don't I?

[quote=hamster-bamster;2675968]

Originally Posted by lou123

I can't say I'm overly concerned about the dx. Interesting though. Thank you for the information.

When you feel stuck it helps to have people to talk to



I would not be concerned with the dx either. I would not think highly of the T who suggested it, though.

You are not illogical in your behavior - there are things that are good about him; he is a good friend; he is (brutally) honest; he opens up in therapy.

[hamster-bamster]

You do, but that is OK - such is life. Best wishes to you in your exploration of it!

To answer your question: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Sexual addiction or not, he has lied to you in the past and continued a sexual relationship into the relationship with you. Fact is, his problem with sex addiction can be addressed, can his lying? I know that this flies in the face of the medical field but I just am skeptical on sexual addiction to the extent that it is portrayed today. Cheater? Claim to have sexual addiction! This is obviously my opinion, but although I am sure there are cases of real sexual addiction, I think it is not nearly as common as the world would have you believe.

That being said, regardless of whether he is addicted or not, can you truly trust him? If i were a man that had sexual addiction like that and I really wanted a my SO to trust me again, and I wanted to mend the relationship I would be going out of my way to prove myself again. Truth is, if he isn't doing those things, he's probably just toying with you until your suspicion subsides and will probably do it again once you've averted your attention from his unfaithfulness.

Oh and if a person has a sexual addiction that they are unwilling to give up and change, they need to make the choice to be single and just have casual sex. Even if he can't control his addiction, he can control whether he is involved with someone in a relationship where he has to live a double life.

There are enough men in the world that would be willing to be devoted and faithful to you. My suggestion is find one.