[canacrip]

I've hit a wall. My wife is not my friend. She's barely even my lover and that's because of me most of the time. This was a particularly bad year because I became sort of enfatuated by a friend of mine for a while. There was nothing to it. Nothing regrettable happened or was even about to happen. The problem remains, though, that she is my friend! We remain friends. We keep within our boundaries. We've never discussed it, we just know. Until yesterday.

Obviously, my wife has a problem with it. I'm BP and so is my friend. We went through a brief manic phase together and feelings got too intense. We knew it, enjoyed the energy of it and let it go. We are still close. We go to the same dog park every day and see each other there, but that is the only time or place we see each other, except for public events and things of that nature. I have nothing to hide.

This past year my wife began checking phone records to count the texts between her and me. It's her preferred form of communication and it spares me having to be stuck on the phone because she can ramble forever. My wife would throw phone bills in my face and talk melodramatically about being "second" and how I cheated because the Bible (I don't believe in) says I did. What do I do with that.

I've felt like hell about it for a very long time. It contributed heavily to my decision to die in August. (One more thing I totally suck at). I feel bad because Iknow my wife hates it and I feel bad that this is a friend I will not let go of. I don't have many to start with. The other thing is that she was there for me in a way nobody else was during one of the hardest times of my life; when my brother died. She was by my side ALL the time. I think she knew then that I was mentally ill. She didn't talk, ask questions, or in any other way threaten my space. She just stayed with me and wanted me to be alright. Like I said, she is my friend. And yes, I will toss out the "L-word". Yes, I love her very much.

For years my wife and I have been distanced by my disease. She doesn't accept me and she does not see me as a whole man. She feels a need to control me and has even said so. She has even said she prefers me depressed because she doesn't like who I am manic. How about "Well". She discourages me. She brings things up when we are being intimate that make me want to get get in the car and put as much distance between us as fast as I can. Then she acts surprised when I shrink away. She is forever applying pressure and now I can't do it anymore. She laughs derisively at my frustration at being in a wheelchair. She dismisses my feelings. She refuses to learn anything about BP and how families deal with it, but I have read a zillion books, been on meds, hospitalized 4 times willingly and been in therapy more years than I care to think about. I feel like I am always racing to be okay, to be acceptable to her and I never will be. I need a friend.

I'm done. I'm done being perceived as the issue. I'm done being disrespected. The other day I was on cloud nine because I heard from someone I once liked in high school, thirty years ago, my brother and another friend from years back on Facebook simultaneously. It was the morning of my birthday. I went out to have a smoke and my wife comes out and starts to talk about this jealousy issue and make a few choice digs about my fallen character, etc. Screw her. That really hurt. It's as if she sees me smile and has to tell me some bad news. I can't take it anymore.]

I mean it. I am afraid because I have been deeply depressed for days. I haven't been to the dog park in two days. I don't want to leave the house anymore. I don't want to talk to or see anybody. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of looking at the world from a wheelchair and be told I should be able to get "close" to the things I used to love. I'm sick of it. I need peace. I need to end and that is what scares me. I am just so tired. does anyone get it?

((((canacrip) I am sorry you are strugging right now. I get it. Do you have a T that you can speak with. It is sooo incredibly important. Also, it's great that you are here.

This is your thread so I don't want to make it about me and my stuff but I can relate: I have felt completely and utterly hopeless. I stopped participating in life: I did not want to go out out. I didn't want to speak with anyone. I was totally isolated. And I had absolutely no energy. I could not do anything. Two days morphed into 8+ months that I did not leave my home. And I was deeply depressed and SI.

I finally called a T and explained the situation.

In hindsight, the Rxs that I was taking were helping me (i am sure without them I would have totally gone over the edge), but I wasn't in talk therapy : so all of the fears, sadness, anger, hurt...were bunched inside of me and kept getting bunched up with nowhere to go. I didn't have a soul to talk to.

Sitting down once a week with my T made all the difference.

And I received proper Dxs AND we worked on DBT and I became strong enough and cared about myself enough that I was able to separate myself from people who were not supportive of me - or my Dx.

I also found this great site and connected with a lot of wonderful people who understood and who were supportive and gave great advice, feedback, assistance. 24/7

You are not alone

Originally Posted by canacrip

I've hit a wall. My wife is not my friend.
I mean it. I am afraid because I have been deeply depressed for days. I haven't been to the dog park in two days. I don't want to leave the house anymore. I don't want to talk to or see anybody. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of looking at the world from a wheelchair and be told I should be able to get "close" to the things I used to love. I'm sick of it. I need peace. I need to end and that is what scares me. I am just so tired. does anyone get it?

[Big Mama]

Hey I totally get what your are saying. My hubby is the same way. He gets so jealous. I 'm not doing anything wrong. I used to talk to my H's brother about stuff. Life w/ him is simple and easy. He has some of the same mental issues I have and we can relate. Thats all. We can relate. I can't relate to my H because of his bitterness. My H says I've been unfaithfull. But no where do I sse anything that says you can't talk to someone. It's not like I want to be on Jerry Springer or anything. (you know "Woman leaves husband for his brother" ) He's a friend. Thats all. Never thought about anything more. I do no how you feel. I have cut all ties to my brother in law. It kills me everyday to hear he is not doing well and I ca't even reach out to help. I was using a calling card when I would contact him so that my H would not give me grief over talking to him. My H would be sure to be the one to answer the phone, I'd have to tell him who I'd talked to durring the day and who called me and who I'd called. My H won. He got his way but he has hurt me and things are not the same between us. So really he lost nd it's not a game of win or lose anymore. It's a thing called control and I am having a hard time forgiving and loving you for being so self centered.

Well I know that's not much help. I needed to vent a little myself, but know you are not alone. You are always welcome to post anything you would like or need to here at PC.
I wish you the best of luck w/ your situation. Keep talking to us.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by canacrip

She laughs derisively at my frustration at being in a wheelchair.

Seriously, Canacrip, this is happening?

[canacrip]

Seems like it's been more about control over the years than anything else. Love is conditional. I'm just angry. Sorry for ranting at you. Thx!

[canacrip]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Seriously, Canacrip, this is happening?

Serious.

[mimi96980008]

I'm sorry that you are having a very difficult time. You are valuable and worthy of love and respect whether or not you are getting it from your wife - even if you don't feel like it. Please reach out to someone you can trust, preferably your therapist. You deserve to feel better.

[Harley47]

Hi Canacrip.

As I started to read your post, my initial thoughts were that your wife might be a little jealous over your relationship with your friend, and thus might feel scared or insecure. But then I read the rest of it...Cana, with the utmost respect for your wife, anyone who's going to laugh at you for being in a wheelchair (which crawls all over me...one of my best friends is in a wheelchair) and REFUSE to learn about your BP for the betterment of your relationship...I may be wrong, but I think the whole matter with your friend is a symptom, not a root cause.

Would she be open to any sort of couples counseling? She seems plainly cruel in her treatment of you, which isn't fair to you at all. Does she understand that you and your friend weren't anything more than friends? She has no right to shove phone records in your face for doing nothing more than having a friend...I could understand better had you two done more than a mere friendship, but otherwise, she is being unnecessarily cruel...and even if you two had, while I'd understand her position, this isn't the way to go about it.

I would echo the advice about seeking a therapist. You owe it to yourself to have a happy life, and I think a therapist can give you the advice and perspective that you need to start working towards having what you so deserve. Please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you my best.

Hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Does your wife realize that she is fragile, too? An accident can make her need a wheelchair at any time, just like the rest of us.

I know that this isn't going to come out well but I have to state what's obvious to me. Given the fact that you're wife is very mean and degrading, no one's gonna blame this on you but... that being said, the fact that you didn't state the temptation you faced in with your friend and that you are clearly attracted to her is something that is feeding the jealousy of your wife. I am sure your wife would also find a way to be jealous anyway but it isn't helping that you are still so close to one that you were tempted by. You said you enjoyed the feelings while you were both manic but didn't do anything. In my mind what you're having is an emotional relationship which could be perceived as an emotional affair. I know that you come up empty in your relationship with your wife but and that's an issue that needs to be dealt with separately but could it be that you're filling a space with this friend?

Now I am not about to tell you that your wife is doing nothing wrong, please, hear me out. She is unfair and mean, you deserve better. I am not one to promote breaking up of relationships as a solution, so my suggestion would be for you to work on your marriage if your wife is willing. If she can't see what she's doing wrong, then you take it to the next step but only after that. That is, if that's what you want to happen.

Thing that bothers me is that you've admitted to being attracted to this friend and how much she means to you. Surely you know that your wife feels and sees this? To me, I feel that in a way, even just as you speak of your friend in contrast to your wife, that she is second. While understandable why, still, her statement is not wholly unjustified. You've had a strong emotional event with this friend and there's an attachment. I commend you for resisting it becoming something physical, but the truth is, there is still something there even as you deny yourselves.

My impulse is not to say leave your wife to be with this other woman, I would never suggest that. But I do think if your wife is unwilling to face her own toxicity, then you need to be away from her, you deserve better even if just to be single and alone.

I know my post won't be popular but this is how I see it. Know that I understand your situation in part because I was married to a controlling, degrading and toxic spoiled brat of a woman for a long time. I'm out of that relationship, and I'm better for it.