[DelphinaBlue]

I feel so bad to leave my BF which now only a few days ago was diagnosed with cancer..his family which I am close to I feel are acting like Im a horrible person, but somehow I just got to the point I was ready to end this 5 year long charade I have had with him. He was manipulative and emotional abusive to me, even though this isnt what everyone thinks he is, because he can be so nice and charming and helpful. It was never physical but it was all the little things he did. Every time I would want to see a friend he would break off the relationship. I would come home and all his things would be gone. If I didnt want to do something he wanted to he would tell me off call me horrid stuff and walk out on me. then he would come back saying he was sorry and want me back, then it would be the honeymoon stage again. I kept taking him back because I loved him so much and never met anyone with such an attraction, no man filled the void like he did. Im 50-and I say do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life a man dropping me rejecting me every 2 weeks, packing up and leaving all my things on my doorstep for the rest of my life then waltzing back and expecting me to take him back like nothing is wrong with our relationships. Its hard bc I see our friends, that some divorced and met new people which they are now in real normal relationships and 5 years later we are not even off the ground. He has a RO against him from his wife and claims he will never commit to one of 'our race' again. So now just a few days later he has found out he has a mass and now putting on the major guilt trip on me about telling him he could not come back this time. I have had a really bad time, being abandoned by my ex and left penniless, was fired from my last job bc of drama with him, and have a new job now and yesterday I almost felt I had to leave work bc I couldnt deal with the stress of customers. I feel I am on the verge of a breakdown, I am so stressed out from all of this with him. But for the last two weeks, I have been so relaxed in my home alone. It has been so peaceful. MY friends even say I look 10 years younger the last week when I met them out-and I know its because im not walking on eggshells. I am just trying to make a better life for myself, am I a horrible person for leaving him now when hes sick? He has been sending me the most nastiest text messages about 'just go to the bar, its where you belong' and stuff like that. Even his sister had wrote me, "dont worry I am taking care of him." Like I am such a bad person. Am I horrible for staying away?

Simple answer is no you're not a bad person, or horrible for staying away.

If your relationship has ran its course, then its time to leave. And that is without all the manipulation from him, and the break up's when he didnt get his own way. Its actually his fault you have left, his behaviour has driven you away. Please remember that when you feel rotten. Its a shame he's using that same manipulative behaviour to try and get you back.

And... 10 years ago I had cancer diagnosed, and the next day my boyfriend dumped me too. You know what? I just didnt care. I couldnt, and didnt want to force him to stay, plus fair to say, I had other things on my mind!! I already suspected it was on the cards anyway. And the one thing that cancer taught me was to live life well, only have one go at it and enjoy what I have. Cliche, yes, but I think that's what you need to do too. Take care, and I really dont think you should feel bad. Even without all of his stuff, its your life, lead it your way.

ps - if you can, change your mobile number. Or can you ban some numbers getting through? Nobody needs that.

[Leed]

Heavens NO you're not a bad person! Don't pay attention to the texts that you get. They don't know the whole story because of course your bf isn't going to tell them that he was a user, and abuser. He abused you!!! He manipulated, controlled, retaliated, and you name it - he did it. He's NOT a nice man. He he also was not supportive. And not he want's you to be supportive of HIM? Just say sorry, but it's too late.

You only have one life, and if you screw this one up, that's it. So don't feel guilty about leaving him -- you had to for your own sanity!! Please - just let it go! Now start living for YOU. And do NOT jump into another relationship. Wait until you've fully gotten over this one and have had time to grieve -- yes, you're going to grieve the failure of this relationship.

I wish you the very best. I hope everything turns out alright. Please keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[DelphinaBlue]

Thank you both for your replies, it really helps alot. He just has this way of making it feel its my fault. Being in a relationship like this makes you doubt yourself. U just dont know anymore what is abuse or Bi-polar? He has the symptons. I am newbie here and reading really helps and espec. those that are on the other side of the fence, they have taken responsibility and trying to change, the difference is he will never admit there is anything wrong with walking out and then returning a week later wanting to see me again. Its such a really bad rollarcoaster. There was one time he walked out because I didnt get him a fork. We were just about to sit down for dinner, and he got so mad and went home. I had made a huge dinner, sirloin was marinating for 4 hours, mashed potatoes etc..just for him to walk OUT..I was so mad. Another time because I didnt want to go walking when I got home from work, I was exhausted. and each time calls me selfish. So right now he is laying in a hospital bed. His family had called me they rushed him he has gotten bad. At first I didnt even believe him bc he has made up so many lies in the past about getting into accidents, etc. This time he was actually telling the truth.

[shezbut]

((DelphinaBlue))

I am sorry to hear that you've been struggling with your bf for a while.

Maybe I sound like a cruel woman, but I think if it's over it's over. You shouldn't have to stay with someone because they're ill. It just doesn't sound right to me. Sounds like repressing emotions & building resentment. Know what I mean?

He hasn't behaved in the greatest way towards you in a long time. You deserve to be treated decently! Do give yourself some time to mourn the end though & don't jump right into another relationship. Gentle hugs to you...

[DelphinaBlue]

"He hasn't behaved in the greatest way towards you in a long time."

Well thank you I am finally reading this, finally have power again..all this with hurricane sandy has been a wake up call-I have many friends that lost their homes, it really does make u realize whats important in life..And yes, S he hasnt treated me the way I deserve for quite some time, all that time that is. One week good one week bad. It turned out, he was misdiagnosed-he doesnt have cancer, although had something very serious, but he was operated on and is fine..yet he is still making up the lies, like last night, he was in the hospital..which I found out was not true..u would think someone that just went through surgery and a scary event wouldnt dream of making up something like that..I have been doin good for 3 weeks, although I am really sad harping over the love we had together when it was good, and all the comfort he gave me, but I know I cant go back. He tried 3 times in which I wouldnt see him..and the result was NASTY TEXTS..he also has done the same to his sister that told me she wants nothing more to do with him. He was screaming at her about how to get gas in the storm..its crazy that he has to treat people this way. I dont know why I stayed for so long..I guess I was lonely, we had alot of friends and fun together, god I will miss those Harley rides but I really cant go back..