[hartbroken]

I have cheated on my girlfriend because I struggle with some porn. When I met her I told her I struggle with porn, and I haven't mastered the art of staying away from it. Its pull is strong. Yet I always do the right thing eventually, throwing the mags away and turning away from it until I can't stave off the addiction for temporary pleasure.

But I think she's moving on. I love her so, and she told me this is hard for her too. My heart is broken.

[hamster-bamster]

I am unclear on what happened; were you sexual with someone other than your gf or did you masturbate to porn?

[shezbut]

Hi hartbroken,

I'm confused as well. How did you cheat on your gf? Is it the type of porn that you're into that really bothers her, or did you cheat on her?

[hartbroken]

It's because she found out I've masturbated to porn and have still have been struggling doing that. I guess I was brought up and so was she that if I look at regular porn while I'm in a relationship that's cheating on her. It hurts her feelings and now I'm off my anti-depressant I'm starting to obsess and be anxious about what situation I'm in. I'm continually crying and can't sleep. I love her so.

[NinaNina]

You should try and talk to her about this. I am in a relationship, and my boyfriend watches porn openly. Sometimes we even watch it together. I know that a lot of people are really bothered by porn, but I don't think it should be considered as cheating.

I can understand why she is upset if she was of the understanding that you do not use porn, and then found out you do. Its a trust thing. So try and be open and honest with her about how you feel about all of this, and what porn is to you. It sounds like you really care for her, and porn shouldn't have to be the ruin of your relationship if you really love eachother. Good luck

[hamster-bamster]

I feel for you. I do not think it is cheating - porn to me is a peculiar form of entertainment. No living breathing human being has been involved. What would have happened had you masturbated to a fantasy in your head, rather than porn? Would that have been cheating still? Would you answer depend on the type of fantasy? What if the fantasy is about your gf - still cheating? Does she masturbate at all?

[thickntired]

Hi,

I totally agree with Hamster B.
If I walked in on my husband doing that would it hurt my feelings? Yeah, but I wouldn't ever consider it cheating. It's natural (masturbation) and almost everybody does it on occasion.

And porn is everywhere you look with the internet. Have I watched it, yeah sure, but not everyday. I think it becomes a problem if you can not have sex without porn, are watching or thinking about it all the time, or feel it is better with a virtual woman rather than your girlfriend. Nothing in your post made me think you believe anything of the sort btw.

[Anika.]

Whether or not we think porn is not cheating, some people do think it is, and they are free to hold this belief if they wish. It's not up to anyone else to define it for them. But it is up to the two in the relationship to work it out and BOTH be able to agree on boundaries in the relationship and if they can.

Is it occasional porn viewing or is it an addiction, that distinction is important as well. Like I said tho, people have different boundaries with this stuff, and that is their right as well. What is important is if you can both come to agreement or not, or meet in the middle somewhere, as long as you meet. And you are BOTH happy with what you decide. If it's the hiding it and telling her you are not, then that is a matter of trust, which is probably more harmful than the porn to her I would imagine.

Just have to talk to each other and try to work it out. If it's not just trust, you cannot force people to be ok with porn, or to not be ok with it either. But hopefully you can both try to find ways to accept each other.

Anika says it well. I do not personally think it is cheating but I'd say this about it. leaving out the debate about wheter Porn is cheating or not, the issue at hand is that if a partner is hurt by it, it is worth giving up or working out with the partner. It matters very little whether it's drugs, porn, or anything for that matter, if it hurts your SO you need to make a choice between keeping that vice or keeping the SO. I think no matter how you look it, if you love someone you're willing to sacrifice for them.

I know how strong the pull of porn can be, it's not an uncommon thing but trust me, it's not impossible to get over. If she hasn't actually moved on and you're truly in love and committed to this woman, then you gotta find help, it's out there. Get rid of the porn for her sake. Again, technically it's not necessarily cheating but in your case it's not worth hanging onto.

The thing about porn is that it is a drug, one that heightens certain activity in the brain and combined with masturbation it can become addictive if the person is prone to addiction of any kind. It sounds to me as if you truly are addicted, since as you say you can leave it alone but not forever and the urge returns after some time. The ease at which you can find porn on the internet for free doesn't make your struggle any easier to overcome either. This is a serious addiction, not in the sense that I'm saying its wrong or bad so much as It's serious in that it's a very strong addiction that you should probably not try to overcome on your own. You need help with getting over it and it's gonna take time. I hope that you do so and I hope that with your serious efforts, she'll give you some time to change this.

once again, I don't condemn anyone for looking at porn at all, just in this case, I think it needs to go in order to restore the relationship.

here are some links that might help. Look at them with your partner if she's willing to.

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.php
http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/
http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html

If you're a Christian, this could be helpful:
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/

[Leed]

I don't think porn is cheating either. The only time I'd get upset with porn is if it was interfering with our intimacy. If your "taking care of things" by watching porn, and then couldn't be intimate with me, THEN I'd get upset!
Otherwise, what's the problem??

Will she watch it with you, or is she totally put off by it? If she won't watch it with you, then just make sure you do it when she's not around. Otherwise, I don't see where there would be a problem. As long as you're open and honest with her, she shouldn't have a problem, but you're certainly NOT cheating!

Try and talk with her about this. Why not show her our responses. Maybe that will help her understand a little bit more. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

I think that Lee's idea to show the gf this thread is excellent. You clearly come across as someone who loves her very much, and I hope that she will see it and appreciate it.

[takeitfromgrey]

in my opinion, i think there's nothing wrong with all those =)
as long as you are not putting into practice what you've read and whatever you've watched

[JustLikeHeaven]

I am going to play 'devil's advocate' on this issue.

To HER, you are being faithful. You told her you wouldn't use porn and you did (a trust issue).

Plus, you have to look at it from HER point of view...if you are using porn, she might think 'I am not enough for him. He is atracted to the women in the magazines, not me.'

That being said, if the two of you are going to be together, she has to realize this is a real 'addiction' for you. You WILL lapse but it doesn't mean you love her any less.

Are you extremely affectionate with her?
Does she have any other reason to feel threatened?
What do you get from the magazines that you don't get from her?

These are ALL rhetorical questions for you and not meant to be answered HERE! (Frankly, it's none of our business.)

Just showing you the 'other side'. Maybe if you understand why it hurts her, it can help fuel your recovery from the addiction and avoid a lapse.

[hamster-bamster]

I would not call it an addiction - too strong a term. Just your garden variety porn use for recreational purposes. Porn is a very big industry. Why? Because there are many users. To call such masses of people all addicts?

[JustLikeHeaven]

It CAN be an addiction.

I only used the word because hart did. I figured he knew better than me whether it was an addiction or not.

[Dreamy01]

I'm sorry you're in such pain. Porn was never an issue for me when I was married - my ex and I regularly watched it together. Sometimes I'd find a porn tape in the player that he'd been watching but I used to laugh about it and never considered it cheating.

Is the porn an issue for you? If you feel it's an addiction to cover up something else that needs addressing (ie inner pain) perhaps it's worth seeing someone like a therapist to get some help with it. If you feel you haven't got an issue and just enjoy it, I can't see the harm.

Sadly you can't change your girlfriend's decision or reaction to you. She probably has some difficulties around what porn represents for her. Could you ask her what bothers her about it? If it's that she sees you as 'cheating' you could try to explain that you don't see it as that, and that lots of people watch porn to spice up their sex life. Perhaps you could suggest watching it together? If she won't, sadly there's not much you can do.

I really feel for you in this. Ultinately it might come down to making a decision between the porn and your girlfriend. Whichever it is, try to be mindful of your feelings and reasons behind this. If you choose to be with your girlfriend the desire for porn might not go away, especially if this desire masks other issues (it sometimes does).

Showing her this thread might be helpful.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by JustLikeHeaven

It CAN be an addiction.

I only used the word because hart did. I figured he knew better than me whether it was an addiction or not.

Oh, I see, sorry I was not paying attention. OP, who decided it is an addiction: you, your GF, a third party?

[sarahloveseric]

Originally Posted by hartbroken

It's because she found out I've masturbated to porn and have still have been struggling doing that. I guess I was brought up and so was she that if I look at regular porn while I'm in a relationship that's cheating on her. It hurts her feelings and now I'm off my anti-depressant I'm starting to obsess and be anxious about what situation I'm in. I'm continually crying and can't sleep. I love her so.

Hi I am new so I hope this is okay for me to do. Anyway I am so sorry, my brother struggles with porn addiction too, but in my personal opinion masturbating to porn is not cheating,you have an addiction, and that is such a hard thing for a spouse I am also an addict not to porn but to pills and meth I am in recovery I have been clean for about 17 months. In my opinion if you really want to try to get her back you should admit you have a problem start getting help for the problem like classes counseling the whole 9 and let her see you are truly committed to changing. BUT IT TAKES A LONG TIME to earn back trust my husband still does not trust me and honestly he lives in the past so much I am starting to wonder if him and I even have a future ya know. Just try that approach, let her know how deeply you love her let her know the steps you are taking to get help and just do it and ask her to give you a chance to prove it to her... hope this helps...