[canacrip]

My wife and I have been fighting for months. All of this year, as a matter of fact. We have been together for 23 years and this is not our style. It's my fault. I have this friend, a close friend, she is extremely jealous of. That's all it is. My wife has obsessed to the point of reading my emails and checking my facebook messages. She checks the phone statement online and tells me how many times we texted that day. It's insane and there is no rational way to approach it.

My friend is important to me. She was there for me when my brother died. She spent the entire week following me around and just making sure I was okay and didn't need anything. She didn't bug me, invade my space, ask stupid questions or offer outdated platitudes. She was just there with Kleenex and an ear. Since then, and under different circumstances we have become good friiends. We see each other every day because we take our dogs to the same park every day. We do check to see if the other is going because we hate to be there alone and I live just around the corner.

I can't take it anymore. The stress has been constant. I committed suicide in August and that had a lot to do with it. My wife says she knows it's not about sex. She says it's about boundaries and appearances. Boundaries have been clearly established and respected. As for appearances, I have nothing to lose or gain by your perceptions and assumptions. So, I told my friend we can't have anything to do with one another at least until we can get into therapy. There is so much more. My wife has made it hard for me to be sympathetic to her, yet to her my loyalty lies. I have needed this to stop for so long. We tried everything, but nothing made her happy, yet all the while she swore she didn't want me to let go of the friendship. She made it impossible.

I'm so deeply depressed that I can't eat, don't leave the house and leave my phone of much of the time. I don't trust myself right now. Does anyone know of any books I can read that might help me understand my wife better, or how to rebuild trust and intimacy? I really miss her.

[Raindropvampire]

The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It by Ronald Potter-Efron MSW PhD, Patricia Potter-Efron MS

"yet all the while she swore she didn't want me to let go of the friendship. She made it impossible."

I'm not a mind reader but maybe she wanted to know that she meant more to you than your friend. She didn't want to ask you to end your friendship she wanted you to want to put her first and end it of your own choice.

If it's an option I'd try some counseling together. Books are good but you really need communication. Good luck to you and your wife.

[DelphinaBlue]

I think the best is to look into the core of the problem, what is making u upset? does it really have to do with these two women, or is it how u feel about u, and where you are in life. I think its best that you look inward and try to fix urself, love yourself, for who you are-it sounds to me like u may have to build up your confidence? I do believe seeing a therapist would be your best route right now-you cant save the world, only yourself. I think a person has to be happy with themselves before they can be there for anyone else..Did all this depression start before you gotten close with this other woman, or after your father died? I think what is really important right now, besides any relationship, is getting yourself happy. Maybe both of these women are asking too much of you right now, and that has to be stressful. You can only do so much. Cut yourself a break and try to heal yourself-without feeling you have to be mr. great for both of them. You dont have to be-
On the other note, how does this other woman feel about getting so close to you and intruding on your marriage? I'm not trying to sound catty, but frankly what woman would be following around a married man, intruding and calling him-I know if I was your wife I wouldnt like it either. I wouldnt mind my husband having friends, but I had heard a woman was constantly calling or following him around, I wouldnt like it, in fact think she should know her place. Does this friend have a relationship of her own? I think once you get strong, you wont be dependent on this other woman for moral support. Your wife should be first. There is nothing wrong with having a friend, but when it comes to getting emotionally close to them, where you are closer to them then your own family, trouble arrives, and with how you feel, you dont need this burden. I loved this book called Healing with the Fairies by Susan Virtue-it got me out of my depression, and in the end i realize no one can make me happy only I can. I really hope you can find the happiness you deserve.

[canacrip]

We're starting therapy together next week. I've been in therapy for months now. I told my friend we need to just do whatever's right right now and not hang out or call anymore. I feel so overwhelmed.