[Alishia88]

I´d be free to tell her so many things I am angry about or hurt.
It would be so great, I think.

As it is rightnow, I feel like, I zone out my mother I don´t really let her see me and pretend she´s not really there, even when talking to her.
I don´t know why. I just can´t connect to her.
Not connecting though, feels weird, and cuts up a connection to myself too, does that make sense?

Anyway, if I could just speak my mind to her, I´d be afraid she´d say that it wasn´t true what I said, that I lied, or that it´s my fault or that she´d hurt me in another way, attacking me in a way that crushed my self-confidence or feeling of being loved even more than it already is.
So I just shut up.

Speaking my mind would help though I think, feeling real and connecting to myself.

I´d really like to do that. If only I didn´t have to be afraid. Or at least that I could feel so secure that I´d know I could handle whatever she´d throw back at me.

I´m a little embarrassed to say that I think deep down I already feel that:
I am bad and nobody loves me. She has an immense power over making me feel even worse about it. And that would just crush me, I couldn´t take it..

Can i still do it??

[gimmeice]

It sounds like you are in a situation where you need to let the things out that are bothering you but you are not ready for a confrontation with your mother.

Have you considered writing a letter to your mother? Even if you shred it immediately after you finish it may help just to let those things out. It could also give you an idea of exactly what you would say when you are able to discuss it with her. There is a good chance that she will react just how you explained so until you feel that you can handle that maybe it is best not to talk with her about it.

I wish you the best

[cat333]

Originally Posted by Alishia88

I´d be free to tell her so many things I am angry about or hurt.
It would be so great, I think.

As it is rightnow, I feel like, I zone out my mother I don´t really let her see me and pretend she´s not really there, even when talking to her.
I don´t know why. I just can´t connect to her.
Not connecting though, feels weird, and cuts up a connection to myself too, does that make sense?

Anyway, if I could just speak my mind to her, I´d be afraid she´d say that it wasn´t true what I said, that I lied, or that it´s my fault or that she´d hurt me in another way, attacking me in a way that crushed my self-confidence or feeling of being loved even more than it already is.
So I just shut up.

Speaking my mind would help though I think, feeling real and connecting to myself.

I´d really like to do that. If only I didn´t have to be afraid. Or at least that I could feel so secure that I´d know I could handle whatever she´d throw back at me.

I´m a little embarrassed to say that I think deep down I already feel that:
I am bad and nobody loves me. She has an immense power over making me feel even worse about it. And that would just crush me, I couldn´t take it..

Can i still do it??

We must share a mother, I swear!!! I can really relate to everything you wrote. I don't know about you, but my mother belittles me and makes me feel ashamed just to be alive. I am always wrong, because "they" say it and she believes it. She hides behind my dad and refuses to have any kind of a relationship with me other than completely superficial. I cannot express my feelings or thoughts because she lives in denial and everything I say that does not glorify her or my dad is wrong and I should be ashamed. UGH!!! It is so frustrating because it is like living a lie...because it is all lies.

I cannot be myself because that is unacceptable. I don't know who I am because in their eyes, I am the scum of the earth and I should just cease to exist. But then, I did stayed away from them for years and so they successfully convinced the whole family that I am the black sheep who is nothing but a shameful, ungrateful, worthless, unlovable, liar who deserves nothing but despise. Now I have no one who associates with me in my family and they do the same thing to my son. But they talk to my daughter and have her convinced that I am the one at fault. They are control freaks and they expect others to worship them and I refuse to...I believe that is what the root of this problem is. I will treat them with the same respect that I treat everyone with because they are no better than anyone else.

I would never tell anyone not to try to reconcile with their parents because I believe that people should honor their parents, but I also believe that people should not subject themselves to emotional or physical abuse. I do hope that one day you will get the courage to approach your mother and that she is willing to work things out with you. I have tried with mine, but she refuses. That makes me really sad and it hurts deeply. Cat

[Leed]

My mother also had some "unseen" power over me so that I could NOt let her know how her past actions had hurt me to the core. I had never felt loved by her, had never been TOLD she loved me, she never even hugged or touched me for that matter. It was the same with my Dad.

My psychiatrist told me to write her a letter and MAIL it to her. In the letter I was to write every single thing that I felt. I was to go back as far as I could remember and write everything. Then mail it. The only difference was I was NOT LIVING AT HOME.

I did mail it, and she wrote me back -- and she basically "pooh-poohed" everything i said -- she did NOT validate anything. So I got no satisfaction from it at all other than the fact that I wrote it. That DID make me feel better, just by getting my feelings out.

Oh well. Hugs, Lee