[NoRelief]

To make it short: I went to my girlfriend's work to see her during her lunch and she was talking about how one of her coworkers was really tall. I saw this tall woman walk out of the door to her office and I was, for lack of a better word, intrigued. I told her this. Then she said to me, "So would you like it if I was taller?" I said (without really thinking), "Oh, I would LOVE it."

It was then that I realized my fault.

After I left, I tried to reconcile with her and get her to forgive me and all that. I have a tendency to beat myself up and have a desperation to fix what I broke. In turn, she has a tendency to avoid talking about what she's thinking, or if anything is wrong. She has also told me that she is incredibly insecure, and I know my comment was not what she needed to hear. It is absolutely inexcusable and I hate myself for it.

I feel like I've started a breakdown of the entire relationship, and I'm terrified of what is going to happen next. I'm posting this at work before I go home because I'm afraid of going back, honestly (we live together). And now I find myself afraid of saying anything else around her, because she has said she's picked up a few things I say that make her uncomfortable. I have no idea what they are because she doesn't tell me. I always try to be genuine and positive. Sometimes I poke gentle fun, but I don't mean anything by it.

Looking back, I have no idea why I even said that, but the point is, I did. I have to live with it, and now, so does she.

Any healthy replies would be appreciated. I need to talk to anonymous people. That's why I'm glad this site is around. Thank you in advance.

[Leed]

Well, then I guess saying "Hello my little munchkin" wouldn't be a good idea, huh? LOL

Just be honest, and tell her you have NO IDEA why you said what you said. It just came out, and you can't even justify it. Tell her you LOVE her just the way she is, and you always have! Tell her you wouldn't want her any differently -- you CHOSE her because of the way she is. You didn't CHOOSE any tall woman -- you chose HER. And you don't WANT anyone else!

You may have to keep boosting her self-esteem for awhile until she forgets that remark -- hopefully she will (until she sees another TALL woman. LOL). Just try not to look at tall women. At least not when SHE'S around.

I hope things will be ok. Perhaps take her a little gift when you go home. That might help. God bless & good luck. Hugs, Lee

Actually, I dont think you did much wrong. Saying you would love her taller is just a throwaway comment, you meant no harm. Its not like you said you wished she had a smaller backside or something is it? She cant help her height but she can help not take everything personally.

I do think she needs to work on some of her self esteem, and not have you walk on eggshells. If she broke up with you over this, then it would'nt be your fault, it's too trivial. You should hear some of the stuff my partner and I say to each other! But we laugh it off, knowing that underneath any teasing or throwaway comment, we love and care for each other.

I agree with Leed, she should take comfort in that she and you are together, and you love & want to be with her, no matter what her height is. And then leave it at that. Its up to her what she does with it.

[NoRelief]

Leed and riotgrrrl: thank you so much for your replies. I consider myself a bit dangerous to myself when I'm left to figure out my own emotions which is why I'm glad there is a community like this to use as an outlet.

I am absolutely and completely happy with where I am and who I'm with. It's exactly why I'm treating this issue with kid gloves and a pipe wrench. I don't want there to be any awkward silences or harbored feelings between us. I've always told her when we first started dating that our relationship will be good as long as we stay open with each other. While I believe I've been completely open with no secrets, I'm not sure she has held up her end of the bargain. She still finds it difficult to tell me when something is wrong. She has also told me to wrench it out of her when she won't comply, but I feel horrible prying.

Leed: I will try compliments and self-esteem boosters over time, but I can't help but think she will still remember my comment. Like hiding a trump card or something. Then again, I've thought this with everyone, and I always try to stay on everyone's good side. I hate grudges, and harboring, and the thought that I've wronged someone. On the other side of the coin, I don't believe in karma; I just believe that there is good in most people, and that is what I try to appeal to.

riotgrrrl: I believe in poking fun without making accusations. In fact, that's what I always work toward in a relationship. In a way, I point out imperfections and quirks about who I'm with (humorously) so I can show that I'm happy with those things. She's a 5'2 to my 6'3, and I'd much rather have it that way. And I'm much more concerned with personality, compatibility, emotional stability than physical traits.

I just got back from work and I'm waiting for her to come home... I have some time to clean the apartment up. A good first step, I hope.

Thanks again, everyone. I will let you know how it goes.

[NoRelief]

I asked her if she wanted soup because she's feeling sick for when she comes home. She accepted. She walked in just as I was finishing it, took it, ate it. Not a word. Not a thank you.

She said she wanted to take a bath. While the water was running, I tried to apologize for what I had said earlier in the day, and she replied with "Don't." I resisted that and continued to make my case, but she just got up and went in the bathroom for her bath, closing the door. Not a word. She says she's going to bed right after.

Now I'm really worried. I hope it's just a phase she has. Aren't apologies supposed to be accepted and people forgiven? I don't think I have received that yet. I'm not sure if I will.

Should I keep persisting or remain distant like she is doing to me?

[Anika.]

Maybe if he said he would love it if she were taller, not right after he told her he was intriged by the other other, it would just be a throw away comment. Put them one after the other, ya I can see why that hurt her feelings.

Plus being short can feel very un womanly, like grown up womenly, I dont think it matters compared to her backside. Which one is ok to be offended by. I am a very petite woman, and it is not always easy. I have felt unwomanly because of that.

I think lee has good sugestions. She does need to work on her self esteem like riot girl said. Tho not all people want to hear about how intrigued you are when another womwn or man walks in the room, and some people don't care about that. It bugs her so it would not be too hard to respect that and keep it to yourself.

I hope she will come around and talk to you about it. It's not break up material to me, I hope not to her. But she probably feels like you wish she were better, like the women you liked. Just let her know that is not the case.

Only my opinion, but I disagree, being short being unwomanly. Being feminine is womanly, and I dont think height has much to do with it. There's so many celebs out there who are short, and boy, are they sexy and hot! Think Eva Longoria (5ft), Ashley Tisdale (5ft 3). Hayden Panetiere (5ft 4) Sharika (5ft 3) - I could go on!

Liking yourself is sexy and womanly, accepting who you are and making the most of it. Confidence is sexy. The reason I said about the size of a backside is because its down (mainly) to diet and diet is a choice, but height isnt. Backside is more of a dig because its a bit of a dig over someone's lifestyle choice but height is nothing but genetics. I wouldnt be offended if someone made a comment about my height simply because its obvious I cant change it.

I do agree that he shouldnt have said what he did, but on the flip side, I dont think he meant to hurt and she started the conversation about her work colleague's height in the first place. And any relationship where a person is frightened to talk for fear of putting their foot in it, isnt a good one. They both need to take some responsibility.

[Anika.]

Riotgirl,

I see, I think I was thinking about backside differently, like some people don't really have much of one, some are large, round, droopy, whatever, some is just natural disposition. I understand what you are saying. Although, what you get offended by might not be the same for others.

Yes I know it should not matter, nor does it. Our silly minds get in the way. I always grew up seeing a lot of tallness in women in the media, legs legs legs was the thing. However, I also realize if I were a 5 foot male instead, well that would be a bigger challenge in my mind. I am much more confident now, and it is not much of an issue anymore. I like my shortness now, but I don't want my bf to tell me he wish I were taller, kinda ouch. It would still hurt my feelings.

She might have brought up the height, but she wasn't asking to hear about how intrigued he was by her. Someone might bring up how someone is skinny, but it doesn't mean they want to hear how intriguing you find them, or wish you were too. I think this is more about social ideas. And not everyone is comfortable with hearing about who else their mate is attracted to, some people really are cool with this, and neither is wrong, just different.

I don't think that is walking on eggshells, just respect for their feelings. I do think it was an over reaction on her part, and we agree about that and her self esteem issues.. that SHE needs to work on it, I said that above. Even if she does, she still might not want to hear about his attraction to other women.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by NoRelief

I asked her if she wanted soup because she's feeling sick for when she comes home. She accepted. She walked in just as I was finishing it, took it, ate it. Not a word. Not a thank you.

She said she wanted to take a bath. While the water was running, I tried to apologize for what I had said earlier in the day, and she replied with "Don't." I resisted that and continued to make my case, but she just got up and went in the bathroom for her bath, closing the door. Not a word. She says she's going to bed right after.

Now I'm really worried. I hope it's just a phase she has. Aren't apologies supposed to be accepted and people forgiven? I don't think I have received that yet. I'm not sure if I will.

Should I keep persisting or remain distant like she is doing to me?

I am not sure, how long have you been with her? I don't give the silent treatment, or ignore my partner when he is talking to me. I also am not one to need a lot of time to think, or time to mull over stuff like this. So I don't know. It seems she is taking this pretty far.

If she had said I just need some time, then we can talk, well that's one thing, and you would probably be able to wait to talk to her, if you felt respected. Tho just saying "don't" hmm, if she wants you to communicate well with her, she should be willing to do so also. Also you said make your "case". An apology isn't really about making your case, it's about just apologizing, sincerity. Not about pleading your reason for doing what ever it was. Not saying you did that, I don't know, just the word case gives me that idea. Something I have done sometimes.

Apologies accepted, when the other person is ready. If they are not ready, it's kind of a fake acceptance, which doesn't mean much at all. if you want her to open to you and trust what you say, than you also have to trust her, and her ability to forgive. Unless it's been proven otherwise.

I think if she wants to feel respected by you, she should really be modelling that back. Sorry I don't know which you should do.

I don't think it was wrong to say that although I can understand her reacting to it. The statement you made doesn't mean, in my mind that you wish she was tall or anything different but that you find tall women attractive. You don't live in a bubble where you won't see other attractive women and notice! She's naive if she thinks that's even possible with anyone! The only thing I can say to this is that you might have said it in a way that rubbed her the wrong way. I don't think you should be dishonest if someone asks you a question like that! If you were to do what is the alternative and that's lying or avoiding the question, do you think that would have had better results? I don't.

I think following up and making sure, as Lee said, you let her know she's fine the way she is, is what you should do for sure. Perhaps she's not thinking as badly as you think she is about this too, what, with the lack of telling you what's on her mind, it's kind of hard for you to decipher. She should speak up if it bothers her too but I know that's not in your control.

Just to emphasize my point on finding others attractive: what if you were dating someone like say Kate Beckinsale and were in love with her but then Angelina Jolie walked by? (two women I find attractive) Just because Angelina is attractive the way she is doesn't minimize how attractive Kate is, regardless of whether it's about height, weight, size of ___ fill in the blank. They are both attractive and you'd still love Kate just as much as you always did. Idk if this makes sense..

[Anika.]

I dont think he said she asked him, she just mentioned she was tall, thats what I understood to happen maybe I am wrong.

Of course others are attractive SandMan, just that if Angelina walks by, Kate doesn't maybe want to hear about angie and your attraction to her. We don't have to tell our partner every time someone attractive walks by.

Originally Posted by Anika.

I dont think he said she asked him, she just mentioned she was tall, thats what I understood too happen maybe I am wrong.

Of course others are attractive SandMan, just that if Angelina walks by, Kate doesn't maybe want to hear about angie and your attraction to her. We don't have to tell our parnter everytime someone attractive walks by.

Well actually she did ask him. She asked if he would like it if she was taller and that's what started the whole thing.

She kind of forced him in a corner in a way. She wouldn't have asked that question really if she didn't already suspect he found tall women attractive. In a way it was kind of an unfair question. I have been faced with the same situation. you say women don't want to hear about it, but then why do they see you looking at some woman on the tv or anywhere (and you dont' have to be ogling them, but just notice, as females seem to pick up the tiniest things sometimes - not complaining just saying) and then knowing you obviously noticed the attractive female then ask the obvious: "oh did you find her attractive?" Why do they do that, if they don't want to hear about it? o.O I chuckle about it because I'll be honest but end up following up with something to make sure she knows that doesn't mean I'm gonna go chasing after her or something. My ex would ask that of actresses on tv a lot actually lol.

[Anika.]

"I saw this tall woman walk out of the door to her office and I was, for lack of a better word, intrigued. I told her this. Then she said to me, "So would you like it if I was taller?" I said (without really thinking), "Oh, I would LOVE it."

Ok, I saw the red part as being what started it. She didn't suspect, he told her, which led to the question.

I didn't realize this was a female vs. male thing. Actually men do this too, I think it's a human thing which some humans do. I don't do that and I am a female. I already know others are attractive, there is like 7 billion humans on the earth, pretty sure about half are female, and I am also sure that a very great many of them are attractive. I have had males do this same questioning with me. I never said women don't want to hear about it, I said some people.. I left it gender neutral, because it is.

Reality, some people are cool with talking about who they find attractive with their partners and others are not. And there really isn't a reason that it can't be respected if you know which is which, either way. And that was my only point. Yes don't ask if you don't want to know, but he told her.. before she asked, which changes it a bit.

[Odee]

If your girlfriend is bothered by things she has picked up on you saying then she really needs to vocalize these things before letter her (passive)aggression out on you. It's not fair and she's not helping fix anything.

Originally Posted by Anika.

"I saw this tall woman walk out of the door to her office and I was, for lack of a better word, intrigued. I told her this. Then she said to me, "So would you like it if I was taller?" I said (without really thinking), "Oh, I would LOVE it."

Ok, I saw the red part as being what started it. She didn't suspect, he told her, which led to the question.

I didn't realize this was a female vs. male thing. Actually men do this too, I think it's a human thing which some humans do. I don't do that and I am a female. I already know others are attractive, there is like 7 billion humans on the earth, pretty sure about half are female, and I am also sure that a very great many of them are attractive. I have had males do this same questioning with me. I never said women don't want to hear about it, I said some people.. I left it gender neutral, because it is.

Reality, some people are cool with talking about who they find attractive with their partners and others are not. And there really isn't a reason that it can't be respected if you know which is which, either way. And that was my only point. Yes don't ask if you don't want to know, but he told her.. before she asked, which changes it a bit.

well! I seem to have missed that. o.O. slap me up one side ma head and down the other! But seriously, yes it does change things. I would never go and say "wow, I think that blonde over there is attractive" Saying he was intrigued kind of says that. >.>

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

slap me up one side ma head and down the other!

I would rather not I'll send you a hug instead I miss stuff.... a LOT, no biggie.. plus this is just my perception of what I read, wasn't there of course.

Originally Posted by Anika.

I would rather not I'll send you a hug instead I miss stuff.... a LOT, no biggie.. plus this is just my perception of what I read, wasn't there of course.

LOL I can handle that haha. thanks

Originally Posted by Anika.

Riotgirl,

I see, I think I was thinking about backside differently, like some people don't really have much of one, some are large, round, droopy, whatever, some is just natural disposition. I understand what you are saying. Although, what you get offended by might not be the same for others.

Yes I know it should not matter, nor does it. Our silly minds get in the way. I always grew up seeing a lot of tallness in women in the media, legs legs legs was the thing. However, I also realize if I were a 5 foot male instead, well that would be a bigger challenge in my mind. I am much more confident now, and it is not much of an issue anymore. I like my shortness now, but I don't want my bf to tell me he wish I were taller, kinda ouch. It would still hurt my feelings.

She might have brought up the height, but she wasn't asking to hear about how intrigued he was by her. Someone might bring up how someone is skinny, but it doesn't mean they want to hear how intriguing you find them, or wish you were too. I think this is more about social ideas. And not everyone is comfortable with hearing about who else their mate is attracted to, some people really are cool with this, and neither is wrong, just different.

I don't think that is walking on eggshells, just respect for their feelings. I do think it was an over reaction on her part, and we agree about that and her self esteem issues.. that SHE needs to work on it, I said that above. Even if she does, she still might not want to hear about his attraction to other women.

Am glad you feel better over your height! But am interested in your comment about if your boyfriend commented on it, it would still hurt your feelings. I guess this is all about perception, and how we all react differently and have our own idea's. You've obviously got some sore spots, and I am more thick skinned. Neither of us is wrong I guess.

Talking of perception, I did think that he was walking on eggshells, down to this comment on his first post.

Originally Posted by NoRelief

TAnd now I find myself afraid of saying anything else around her, because she has said she's picked up a few things I say that make her uncomfortable. I have no idea what they are because she doesn't tell me.

Sorry, I disagree with you, Lol!!

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Am glad you feel better over your height! But am interested in your comment about if your boyfriend commented on it, it would still hurt your feelings. I guess this is all about perception, and how we all react differently and have our own idea's. You've obviously got some sore spots, and I am more thick skinned. Neither of us is wrong I guess.

Talking of perception, I did think that he was walking on eggshells, down to this comment on his first post.


Sorry, I disagree with you, Lol!!

It's ok, not everyone does agree. No big deal.

I would actual pin it down in part to being human, that and the fact that I am a highly sensitive person, not just about me, but my environment and those around me. I don't see it as a flaw, like sore spot implies. It's not like I would be sooo hurt, I said kinda ouch. I don't see the way you are as a flaw either. I understand there are different people, dispositions, and ways of living for a reason. Everyone does indeed have something. I never wanted to have thick skin, it's ok with me.. the way I am. BTW saying "you obviously have some sore spots and I am more thick skinned, doesn't imply that both are ok.. actually it inserts the idea that you are stronger and I am weaker. Just saying.. it comes across that way, in common social perception of those two ideas.

I am not in this relationship, I don't know every detail of how they both behave. I never said she was not accountable for her behaviour or self esteem. If she is accountable for her stuff... then he is also accountable for some of his stuff, which includes feeling like he is walking on egg shells, and how he deals with it in his own head. I don't think it is really a case of right and wrong. I also said she needs to be respectful, and communicate, if she wants the same back.

Perhaps I should have explained better what I meant about egg shells. I do think it it easy to take one incident, and turn it into eggshells all the time, even if it is not the case. Because it happened once, we might fear it will happen over and over. I am presuming that she made that statement after the fact of this incident, not that she has reacted every time in the past. Possible egg shells of the future, not of the past. Sorry just trying to explain my point of view. Hopefully they can both sort this out, understand each other and themselves better, communicate about this stuff, and not have the need for egg shells anywhere. Her not telling him what is what.. is not fair, I don't understand that one, and obviously is part of the problem.

I never meant to say you are weaker, truly, which is why I also said that neither of us is wrong. I actually did not say you were weaker either.
Its just I spent so long taking things too personally in my youth, that I finally just let some hang-ups go. I used to worry about my weight, that I sounded stupid to my intelligent friends, my career. I never seemed to be going anywhere fast against my peers. It seemed such a waste of energy and a source of stress. I felt much better for it, and some self-confidence has made me a much better person. I am me, and I have to accept me for me, including all my imperfections, and now when I get some insults, I either brush them off, or if its something thats really touched a nerve, I try to improve myself. This does not mean that I am not sensitive to those around me, as I am. I get told a lot by people how kind I am, and go out of my way to help people, or even just to raise a smile which I have done all my life. But by being thick skinned does not equal insensitive.

And this is my point. If people were to accept themselves for themselves, then any joking, and insults or indeed anyone accidentally stepping over boundaries, then it would be a lot easier for people to brush it off. If folk actually look at the facts of stuff, ie, this gentleman is living with his g/f, loves his g/f and feels awful for putting his foot in it, then forgiveness should come easily. Not talking, sulking and picking up on anything and everything they've ever said that could be seen as insensitive is not good for a relationship and it pretty much stems from low self esteem.

[Anika.]

I was not saying thick skinned was insensitive. Sore spot.. probably is never portrayed as anything good.. am I correct? Thick skinned is something we are told we should be, something to aspire to, that is what I meant by social perception of these ideas, which actually is not my own perception of them.

I don't suffer from low self esteem. I also like you suffered with that in my youth, and by 34 years old, I got that all cleared up. And i am glad you did too, it's not a good way to get through life.

I think we folks did look at the facts. I posted to the OP that her not being willing to talk, listen to him, or be respectful was not ok.

Actually I am not really sure what the issue is, colour me confused . I suspect you assumed I had low self esteem, and that you may have perhaps misunderstood what I was saying. I don't actually think our view is that much different on this topic either. I don't really understand why the OP's GF will not talk to him about this, and let it go, I already told him that.

All I meant by egg shells is this. One time I reacted to something in a certain way with my ex husband, actually the offence was much different then this, and not by accident. My ex took that reaction and turned it into ~ he forever had to walk on egg shells, which was not the case at all. But he would not let it go. When the OP said "but I can't help but think she will still remember my comment. Like hiding a trump card or something. Then again, I've thought this with everyone, and I always try to stay on everyone's good side." it reminded me of that situation and I would not want that to happen with him. Thinking everyone is hiding trump cards, can't be good for a relationship either.

Self esteem would help them brush it off, yes of course. I think that goes without saying. But I have already said she needs to work on her self esteem three times.

I responded back to you perhaps because of the sore spot, which is not the case, nor am I suffering from low self esteem. And also because of the "Sorry, I disagree with you LOL!!" Seemed a bit well.. like you didn't understand what I was saying, did not read all the posts in the thread, or I have no idea.... or in your face, maybe. So I thought I would expand. I am just guessing here. I don't expect for my guesses to be correct. I am not going to assume.

But I don't have a problem with what you had said, I am not sure what the problem is, I understood your point and I respect your opinion. I hope this clears up what ever it is. Honestly I have been here two years, and I am quite a polite friendly person, and I know you are too. I don't know why or how this thread became us debating, but I am hoping we understand each other.

I have seen other posts of yours and I actually do take notice, and respect your opinions.

[-jimi-]

I don't know what to say when insecure people ask me things. My friend (not a gf), asks me things I know is sensitive for her, like her shape and weight, what am I supposed to say? "Do you think I'm fat?" I can't even say what is obvious, that yea she is indeed fat, but that kind of stuff never bothered me. At least she doesn't go drama on me if I say the wrong thing. And I have learned to have her rude comments (she doesn't reflect, she just talks) about me just bounce off.

At some point in life we have to just accept other people will not be perfect socially, and that no matter how much we like them to, no one can change their ways to please us. And if they could, it would be fake anyway.

[RomanSunburn]

Having dealt with bouts of low self-esteem and having a similar situation with my husband, I can relate to what his girlfriend is going through. And I think that we all agree that this is really more her problem than his, in that she needs to learn to communicate her feelings and also to build her self esteem. But I don't think the advice really helps the OP. The best he can do is sit her down and talk all of this out. Not necessarily specifically about what he said, but the larger issues that are impacting this. But he has to try to be calm and non-confrontational about it all, so that she doesn't feel the need to put up her defenses. Depending on how long they've been together and how they both feel about the relationship as a whole, they could also explore the idea of couples counseling (as opposed to suggesting just counseling for her so she doesn't feel ganged up on). Or he could wait some number of years for her to grow out of it, as age does seem to help with self esteem issues... though, that could be an awful long, painful time to wait...

Side note, my husband when we were dating, told me he liked girls with pierced noses. He also has a thing for Indian girls. When he first told me about the pierced nose thing, I was offended and hurt by it because it was not something I was about to run out and do for him, and he knew it was not something I would do. I don't think I made a huge fuss about it, but I can understand the OP's girlfriend's feelings. We can't always help the way we feel, and honestly, I feel bad for her to feel so badly about herself. No one should have to feel that way. But in recent times, my husband has come up with a pretty safe response for any question I may ask... "Do you think that girl is attractive?" "Not as attractive as you!!" with a hug and a kiss. It, at the absolute very least, always brings a smile to my face

[canacrip]

Wow! You two sound like my wife and I in reverse. She says hurtful things that she regrets and I pull back until there is a gulf between us wider than the Grand Canyon. Having witnessed the pain and sadness in her apologies (though, we still do this crap), I really can feel for you. Sometimes our thoughts just come out without going through any of our filters. Hang in there! If she is serious about you, she will come to understand that what you said is out of character because you are not a hurtful person. She's just hurt and, I know, that hurts like hell. Don't beat yourself up! You made a simple mistake and hurt somebody you love. You care because you love her and because you are decent. So, give yourself the grace you seek from her and the grace that you would give her. Forgive yourself. You're not a bad person, you just used poor judgment for a moment. That makes you human.