[wosbaby]

Editor's note -- the OP explains in #2, below:

Originally Posted by wosbaby

I'm sorry..the first part of my post was cut off. Please read this [#2] first, then the initial post. I apologize for any confusion!

-- FooZe
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Recently, my husband and I had to go out of town for a funeral. Liza was scheduled to work, so I left her my car. My son called me late at night our first night away, and told me Liza hadn't come home in my car yet. After 3 hours of trying to contact her, I finally got through. The car had run out of gas, and she was lost. After about 15 minutes of trying to get a straight answer of where she might be, she finally tells me the police were there with her. I had her put the officer on the phone and found out she'd gone 40 miles in the opposite direction to get home, had run out of gas and put oil in my car (thinking that was the problem), and my car was sitting in the middle of the road with a dead battery and no lights at night! The officer agreed to bring her home, and I would send my son the next day to retrieve my car.
When my son went to see if he could fix my car, he found she'd put oil in the power steering pump! He spent $40 of his own money to fix the car and get it home. Liza texted me the following day, apologizing, and saying she'd pay for any damages.
A week later, my son needed that money for gas to go to work. I asked Liza if she had the $40 for him, since he had to use his own money to fix my car. She gave me the $40, saying 'don't worry about repaying me!'
To this date, she still does nothing to help out. She gripes about any shift I've given her to work at the hotel, even though I am the one that has to get up at 5:30am on my day off to drive her there and pick her up. She doesn't offer to pay for ANYTHING. She'll only eat dinner if I fix her plate for her. She doesn't clean up after herself. All she does is sit on the couch, playing on her phone- CONSTANTLY!
I feel bad for her in a way, because there is definitely something not right with her, mentally. Even the simplest, written instructions, she cannot comprehend. When you try to explain something to her, she cuts you off with, "Ok, ok...I've got it" and continues to do things wrong, immediately. At first, I thought it was because of the years of abuse that made her the way she is. I'm thinking now, though, that maybe this is just normal for her. She strikes me as being possibly borderline autistic or something. The officer the night she'd gotten lost even asked me, 'Ma'amm, is this typical behavior for her?'because of how she was acting. She gets frustrated and easily comes undone over any small thing.
Our problem is that we need her to become independent and work towards getting on her feet, of which she seems to have no intent. We don't want to put her out in the cold, nor do we want to be mean and hurt her feelings. Not-so-subtle hints do not work...she simply doesn't get it. Any flat out request is either deflected by her trying to change the subject, or (if monetary) she tells us we don't have to worry about paying her back..like it's a loan! (And that's if she even thinks she should give us anything at all.)
I'm planning on taking her to the housing authority and food stamp office on my next day off. Other than that, how would we approach the subject of her getting out on her own, with tough love but without being hurtful? We're between a rock and a hard place, here!
(By the way, she's not a young girl..she is 53 years old!)

[wosbaby]

I'm sorry..the first part of my post was cut off. Please read this first, then the initial post. I apologize for any confusion!

I'd met Liza online 6 years ago, in a group forum. We became friends online, and with my moral support, she was able to get out of a 15 yr abusive relationship. When she left her ex, she'd moved into a women's shelter in GA. While in the shelter, she met another man through a dating site, which turned out to be a scammer and used her to move items bought with stolen credit cards.
Liza remained almost 2 years in shelters for domestic violence, when she'd finally gotten a job as a nanny in our state. I was overjoyed that she would be moving so close to us, and that I would finally get to meet her in person. After a week at that live in job, she surmised that the father of the children was a polygamist. She'd called me, frantic, asking what to do because she did not feel she could safely leave. I advised her to call the police and tell them what she'd told me. She did, and they escorted her to a bus stop away from the house, where I'd driven to pick her up.
The plan originally was that she would spend the weekend with us, then on Sunday evening, I would take her to the local shelter, which I'd already contacted. Sunday evening came, and my husband and I just didn't have the heart to take her to yet another shelter, so we agreed she could stay with us until she was on her feet.
I tried to get her to apply for jobs, but she always had an excuse not to. Thinking she was penniless, both myself and my 16 yr old daughter bought her new clothes. We found out later that she had $80 on her.
I got her a job at a hotel that I'd just begun managing, as a front desk clerk. It soon became very apparant that she could not even handle a simple task such as that. She repeatedly makes mistakes, "forgets" how to do the most basic of things, and calls me constantly for advice on how to do mundane tasks. The owners have wanted me to fire her, but I fought to let her keep her job and only use her on slow days.
During all this, my family and I have hit some finanacial stress in which we are struggling to keep our electricity on, find our next meal, get my daughter the glasses she so desperately needs, etc...
Knowing our financial situation, when Liza got her first check she went and bought herself a new iphone! No offers to help with even gas for my car for taking her back and forth to work, much less anything else! All she does is sit on the couch, talking online to various men she meets on dating sites.
She does nothing to help around the house, offers to pay nothing, and makes a mess.

I think that there's so much going on here. Maybe it would help if she were to go see a doctor, a referral to see a specialist so they can find out why your daughter is behaving in this way. Then perhaps if they find something, steps can be made to help treat her, be it medication or therapy.

I do believe very much in tough love in the right situation, but if she does actually have a problem then it may be the wrong route to go. I hope you find a solution, support and help for you all. Hugs

[Leed]

I don't know your story if you've posted before so forgive me. Is Liza your daughter? Who abused her??

Personally I think she needs to see a doctor to determine if therapy would be beneficial for her. Since we don't know the extent of her mental capacity, it would be a good idea to have her tested by a therapist to see if therapy would even work. Putting her out on her own right now would be the wrong move right now -- at least that's MY opinion. I think she should be tested first to see what her abilities are, and what her actual mental problems are. To put her out into housing might throw her into a real "attack" of whatever mental problem she has and cause more problems than you have right now.

I hope you can find an answer to her problems. I wish you the very best. God bless and prayers to you, to Liza and your whole family. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[wosbaby]

Originally Posted by Leed

I don't know your story if you've posted before so forgive me. Is Liza your daughter? Who abused her??

Personally I think she needs to see a doctor to determine if therapy would be beneficial for her. Since we don't know the extent of her mental capacity, it would be a good idea to have her tested by a therapist to see if therapy would even work. Putting her out on her own right now would be the wrong move right now -- at least that's MY opinion. I think she should be tested first to see what her abilities are, and what her actual mental problems are. To put her out into housing might throw her into a real "attack" of whatever mental problem she has and cause more problems than you have right now.

I hope you can find an answer to her problems. I wish you the very best. God bless and prayers to you, to Liza and your whole family. God bless. Hugs, Lee

I'm sorry; the beginning of my post did not come through and you were only able to start at the middle. Liza is a friend that I'd met through a domestic abuse online forum 6 years ago. We'd talked online and on the phone, but never in person until a month ago, when she'd come to TX for a live in nanny position that didn't work out. She came to stay with us at that time, because she had no where else to go. (She'd spent the past 2 years in domestic abuse shelters after leaving her ex of 15 years). She has no friends but us, and knows no one here. She is creating a hardship on us, both financially and emotionally, but we can't just throw her out in the cold. We just don't know what to do.

[wosbaby]

Originally Posted by Leed

I don't know your story if you've posted before so forgive me. Is Liza your daughter? Who abused her??

Personally I think she needs to see a doctor to determine if therapy would be beneficial for her. Since we don't know the extent of her mental capacity, it would be a good idea to have her tested by a therapist to see if therapy would even work. Putting her out on her own right now would be the wrong move right now -- at least that's MY opinion. I think she should be tested first to see what her abilities are, and what her actual mental problems are. To put her out into housing might throw her into a real "attack" of whatever mental problem she has and cause more problems than you have right now.

I hope you can find an answer to her problems. I wish you the very best. God bless and prayers to you, to Liza and your whole family. God bless. Hugs, Lee

By the way, Liza is not a child...she is 53 years old!

[wosbaby]

Sorry..the first part of my post did not display. Liza is a 53 year old friend that I'd met in an online forum 6 years ago. She was in a 15 yr long abusive relationship, for which I'd provided moral support to help her escape. She's spent the last 2 years in domestic abuse shelters, before moving here to Texas to take a job as a live in nanny. The job fell through and I had to go pick her up in a town an hour away. My husband and I didn't have the heart to take her to another shelter, so we let her stay with us temporarily. She's been with us for little over a month, and I've gotten her a job at the hotel that I manage as a front desk clerk. She can barely perform the basics of her duties, and the owners have wanted me to fire her, but I fought for her and they let me keep her there to use on slow days. I'm thinking she may be either borderline autistic, or there are other mental deficits at stake. This is why we've been so hesitant in telling her she needs to go. I'm not sure if she can survive on her own, but we can't keep doing this!

Now I've seen more of the story, I think tough love may be the way to go after all! I still think a doctor is a good idea, but I should imagine she will bury her head in the sand and not go. I also think that if she is spending her time talking to men then she's probably ok to look after herself as it's showing self-awareness. She may be pushing her luck with you, as you're doing all the cooking, cleaning etc.

Its fabulous of you and your hubby to be kind and support this lady in the way you have done. You've given her food & a roof, and even a job. That's way above the duty of any friend. I don't think there is any shame now of asking her to go her own way, esp as the situation is becoming harmful for your own family life. As much as its great to be kind (and I wish there were more people out there like you) there comes a time that you have to look after you and your loved ones.

Is there a way that you can give her notice? Say something like in '2 weeks, you have to leave'. And offer her help to find somewhere to live, be it private rental or back to a hostel? There are many things you can do to help her on her way, so you're still being kind, but by being firm you'll get what you need.

Best of luck with it all.. x

[Leed]

Oh good grief. That DOES put another spin on it. Get her signed up for public housing/food stamps/Medicaid and of course she'll have a case worker. Let the case worker know that she's mentally ill, and perhaps they can get her to see someone. Then you can get her out of there once they place her in housing.

Hopefully it won't take TOO long. It shouldn't I wouldn't think, unless there's a waiting list for housing. I sure hope not.

Please keep us informed on what goes on, will you? Perhaps someone else will have better ideas. My prayers go out to you. i don't know how you've stood it this long -- you are to be praised for taking her in and being so kind to her all this time. Not very many would do this. You're an extremely kind person and I applaud you for that. God bless you dear one, and please take care. Hugs, Lee