[bethelj1]

I have been dating a man on and off for over 6 years. He is divorced with two girls in college. I am divorced with one girl in college and son in elementary school. To make a long story short, he informed me that he caught his ex wife in the act with another man. I feel like this has caused him to undergo tremendous mental health issues, which we have never discussed. In the beginning, we both did say we would never marry again. But, I think he must have said this first, and I stated the same, knowing that I did in fact want to remarry someday. He did finally admit he was in love with me, but it took a long while before I told him the same, even though I maybe I was a lot earlier, but afraid to tell him. Anyway, I guess I started wanting him to spend more time with me than he had to offer. Works a lot, full time with many different side jobs on weekends. He was very affectionate and sent me red roses every year for both my birthday and Valentine's Day. But, when he didn't spend time, missing dinners I cooked mostly, I'd get upset and break it off, quite often. But, I guess he got tired of that. He broke it off with me and I was devasted. Couldn't eat, sleep or function to great on job for months and even lost 30 lbs in less tna 3 weeks. But, he did finally come back to me. Only, I am not sure if things are going to last. He keeps pushing me away during this last year been together. One time he broke it off this time again and was apart a little more than a month. Said he was blocking my number forever and he was moving on. I did in fact go out with another man, one date to movie and that's it. Wasn't even really attracted to him and he moving to fast saying I was what he prayed for and would make me his wife. Really? after a couple weeks? Ran for the hills out of that..LOL. Anyway, boyfriend contacted me again and told him I wasn't sure about seeing him and later sent him letter to tell him about other guy dated once. I think this is what has caused him to go over the deep end. Everytime after I see him, I woulld wait 3 days before I contact him hoping he contact me. When I did, he would tell me move on, he's done and for me to chase other men and he knows I am looking for more. So this last time he responded this way after I text him to tell him I was sick and felt like flu. He comes back with he's done with me. Was he just coming back for sex with me? Does he have some type of insecurity issues or control issues? I even think maybe he was taking some medications for mental health issues after his divorce and perhaps reason why things were great for us in beginning. Then, he may have stopped taking them and his personality changes and especially now after he thinks I have maybe slept around like his ex-wife. I love him deeply and I feel like he stilll loves me even though he may have been coming back for just sex. But, he has hurt me to with his behaviors. What are your thoughts? I feel he will come back again and don't know how to respond. I would first want to know if he has ever been on any medications because of trauma caused by ex-wife. Help!

Stay in or move on?

[Butterfly25]

I would say move on. But that is a difficult decision considering I am not involved in it. It sounds awfully complex emotionally. I think if the guy wants to work something out then try to repair it. But if the guy doesn't want to do that then its best to move on. Anything can happen but it's best to not wait around thinking he will come back. At least you'll be focusing on other things while you're not with him.

[sukothefox]

i'd say to wait and try to work things out, you know, give him am opportunity. if things dont work out or cant work out, then i would suggest you should move on. i understand how behaviors like the ones he display can hurt you, so just hold on for a bit and if you see the handle is slippery then let go.

[Leed]

I know you care alot for this man, but do you want a lifetime of this kind of thing?? You have NO idea how complicated this can get!! He truly needs help, and I don't know how he would take it if you were to mention to him to get therapy. He would probably tell you to never contact him again -- he's just not rational, and I don't think he'd take that suggestion very well. But he DOES need help, and badly.

You would have nothing but heartache with this man -- do you really want this? You could have so much better than this! Like I said, I know you love him, but this just isn't worth it.

Find yourself someone who is stable and who is able to care for you the way you SHOULD be cared for. You deserve it. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps. If you want to be married again, stop seeing this man. You deserve better than this push-pull relationship and I do not think he would get better if you two married.

I think you were right to stop seeing the second man who moved too fast.

Take everything a formerly married man says with a grain of salt about his ex-wife.

Be straightforward with the men you meet; ditch the ones who are not straightforward with you. Ditch the ones who appear to have "problems" if they are not honest about those problems and actively and productively dealing with those problems.

You deserve a decent man who will be honest with you and treat you well.

This is my opinion only, but I feel compelled to say it: some men will say and do anything to get sex; some men seem to like sex best when they are putting one over on a woman; and some men may be sexually attracted to women, but not like women personally. In my opinion, the men I have just described are the ones to avoid like the plague!

[NeutronStar]

If he is convinced you are cheating when you're not, and you're finding it impossible to explain that to him, I would recommend doing what I do in situations like that: give him an ultimatum.

Say something like: "I really really do love you and I swear with my entire heart that I am not cheating on you, but if you cannot trust my word on this then we are in a trust-less relationship and I can't live in one of these. Either you believe me and we continue, patching up what difficulties we may have along the way, like most couples have to do at some point, or you don't believe me - if that is the case then this relationship must come to an end."

Straight to the point, entirely honest, letting him know what could happen while still letting him know you love him.

Good luck! Hope everything goes well

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bethelj1

He broke it off with me and I was devasted. Couldn't eat, sleep or function to great on job for months and even lost 30 lbs in less tna 3 weeks.

I assume it was an unwanted weight loss. Did you regain the lbs later?