[sosotired]

Hi all, I need some advice, from those that don't know me who can give me an objective opinion, because I really think I am losing it. I have been married for 15 years to a man with a wonderful heart. But for as good as a father and husband he can be, he has a horrible ugly side, that unfortunately no one but his family sees. I think he is suffering from depression, among other things, but he refuses help because he thinks nothing is wrong. He can be incredibly mean and hurtful to both my son and I, and he is estranged from his son from a previous marriage. I have been begging for years that he get help and we just recently started going to marriage counseling, although right now that is on hold as well. He hates where we live (he can give a list of reasons, although not really valid ones) and believes that if we moved to another state that would be the cure all for him. Mind you, his family all lives here and he wants to move places where we know no one. We fight all the time about it, because I work, and I like what I do, and we can't live on what he makes. He doesn't work, and receives a small pension. To the outside world though, he is this happy, positive motivating guy, and for the most part, I work to keep that view of him going.

Here is my big issue. I have been at my job for 10 years. I get paid pretty well, and I like what I do, although it is certainly stressful at times. The people I work with have become like family to me, and have been there for my family during several big issues over the years. One of our 'friends' at work last week made a bad judgement call and sent me something completely inappropriate (as far as I was concerned). I did NOT want my husband to see, for fear of his response, and instead deleted it and spoke to the individual, who apologized profusely. I asked him to please not mention this to my husband, as I told him I didn't know how he would react. I guess he didn't hear, because he called my husband and left an apologetic message. My husband asked me about it, and since I may not always be forthcoming, I don't lie. So I told him. Well to say he blew up was an understatement. He accused me of all sorts of things, and although didn't 'make' me quit, pretty much left it as a choice of where my loyalty lies. He also said he planned on seeking an attorney and suing my boss who has 'deep pockets' so that 'this never happens to anyone again'. So as to save my boss from that (because I am TOTALLY against it), I resigned. My boss is livid to say the least, not at me, but at my husband, as they were also friends. I am completely sick over it, as I feel it is really just an excuse to get us to move. I don't want to leave my job like this, all of my friends there are now completely uncomfortable around me, and I feel like I just let the cat out of the bag the real man I live with. I feel like someone who has been hiding abuse, which I guess I am.

If my marriage was ok, that would be one thing. But it's not. Every day he makes horrible snide remarks to me. Last night he got angry at our 6 year old because he took too many dishes at one time to the sink when my husband told him otherwise. He called him a 'punk', a 'half-wit' and said that kids who don't listen grow up and go to jail. Really?? Over dishes?? But this is my life, every day. It is completely toxic. He told me afterwards when I tried to talk to him about it that he is going to go away and check himself in somewhere. However he is 'not going to tell me where, other than it won't be cheap' and that he plans on paying for this with our savings. And here I am stressing about being unemployed to boot.

I am sorry this is so long. I feel like if I stay at my job - it will make it seem like that is more important than my marriage, and I lose. But if I leave, I will be out of work and broke with a child, so I also lose. If I didn't have children, I would have left by now. But I need to make the right choice for my son, and he worships his dad. My husband never had a good relationship with his older son, and pretty much abandoned him (my opinion) although he blames his ex and said that his son didn't want anything to do with him (wonder why). His son is now 21, suffers from depression, OCD, and Anorexia. I look at him and I get frightened my little boy will wind up the same or similar unless I am around to protect him from his dad's outburst as well as make sure his dad interacts with him on the good days. And right now I feel like I am losing my sanity. All I want is peace, and I don't know how to acheive that. Thanks for any advice.

What started out as a post about a man with a wonderful heart, seems as his true colors were revealed it seems he may have been "that man" but has changed into a bitter, angry person that refuses to face his own demons. Truth is, he's not contributing to your relationship very much from what I hear, only taking, hurting and destroying what is left of it.

About the move, had he been a man with a career that could be picked up in a different place, anywhere, that might be feasible. There is a little credit to be given to the idea of moving one's self away from family if they are toxic. I did it and am better for it, but I also was able to find a new job in the new location and my wife at the time did too. You on the other hand have been the primary provider and taking that chance is unrealistic. I don't agree with his idea at all.

As for the inappropriate email, I don't really know what to say, since the nature of it's inappropriateness was left out but that being said, forcing you by threatening to sue is manipulative at the very least. I don't think you should have left your job to protect his hidden flaws. You've just sacrificed your means to maintining a decent life because of his dysfunction. I think the reality would have hit him in the head liek a brick if he tried to sue for something if you weren't behind him with it anyway. He is alienating you from your friends, your work, your coworkers and this is indeed a form of emotional abuse really.

he is not willing to get help, when someone is at that point, you have to make a choice. If you're choosing to stand by him, you're sacrificing yourself and your child, for, I don't know what good reason. He needs to get help or he's going to tear your family apart even as you try and try to keep it together.

As for sticking with him for the boy. Is that the best route? In some cases possibly but he sounds pretty toxic and your son, does not seem to be shielded from it. Thing is, your son is being damaged far more than you think he is by being there. You day he worships him and actually because of this, I think the damage could be worse. How much more can you be hurt by one you believe is so important to you? It's setting him up for a lot of future pain. I think he needs to be shielded from this abuse somehow. Staying in the relationship for him is not necessarily the best thing, IMO.

even separating for a time, just to let your husband know you're serious, and he needs to get might be a good thing.

[sosotired]

Thanks for your response. It's funny - as far as the email went, I didn't want to put exactly what it was because even with the anomynity (sp?) of the internet, I was paranoid that someone would somehow read this and know it was me. It was a photograph of something, and in the background of the photo was a part of the male anatomy. In all honesty, not in the best taste, and I can understand him being upset, but the level at which he got upset wasn't justified, at least IMO. I feel like an abused wife, and I hate it. Because there are so many times I WANT to leave, and then I forgive and just go back to doing what I am doing. And when he is great, he's great. But the opposite also holds true. He told my son that my son was better off without him one night and that he was leaving (which I thought was awful), and I stood there shocked and watched my poor son sob over the thought. Every time I think of leaving, that is what I think of. I told my sister that I just wanted to get through the holidays, and she said I said the same exact thing last year. I'm an intelligent person, I just don't know why this is so hard.

He needs help. Saying those things in front of a young child is just traumatizing and mean. Just not right. Thing is he needs a kick in the butt, something to light a fire under him to get him to get help. Maybe figure out a way for you and your son to take a break and let him think about what he's doing for a bit and let him know by no uncertain terms that you are going to do what's best for you and the boy. Especially the boy. You gotta do something before he gets worse. You don't have to leave the marriage, but try to kickstart some change in your husband if you really love him and know the good in him but as it is, the bad in him is overwhelming all the good.