[Foreign_Soul]

Need advice/suggestions/etc! I apologise in advance for my tendency to ramble but I really need to write this down before it drives me completely insane!

My ex was severely abusive. He choked me to unconsciousness 3 times that I remember, he cheated on me constantly, I was never allowed to touch him out in public- basically any public show that I was his "girlfriend" resulted in me being yelled at, hit, pushed around, etc, once we were home. We were together for 11 months when I found out I was pregnant, when I was just 19yrs old. We broke up 2 weeks later.
We had very little contact throughout the pregnancy but he came to the hospital when our son was born- he walked 2.5hrs to get to the hospital! He was around a little bit but he was still abusive- he somehow got hold of a gun (illegal in Australia) and held it to my head whilst fully loaded!
When our son was 3 months old he snapped one morning, for no apparent reason. I won't go into detail but that incident was the last straw for me. I don't care what you do to me but my son is off limits!
I made a report to police that afternoon and applied for an Intervention Order (IVO) for myself and my son. When that went to court it was made life-long which means to have it altered or removed we have to go back to court. We have barely heard from him since and I'm happy with that.

Fast forward to now:
I met my current partner about 6yrs ago (just after the incident with my ex), we went out for about 2-3 months and broke up due to my issues. I was terrible back then- to an extent I was abusive because I was trying to deal with everything my ex had done to me and didn't know how to be in a "normal" relationship. Despite that, my partner waited for me for 6yrs! He never pushed for a relationship, just waited for me to figure out what I wanted which is him. Thank goodness one of us could see that back then!

We've been together for 4 months now and we both want the same things, eventually- marriage, family, kids. I feel comfortable showing my partner affection and receiving affection (something that was completely off limits with my ex and generally resulted in physical and verbal abuse), and love spending time with him, even if that involves sitting on the couch while he plays video games and I trudge through my university readings!
But lately I feel like I'm doubting everything. These horrid thoughts run through my head that he's going to cheat on me or he doesn't really love me; that he's just putting up with me. I love my partner and I know what I want our life to be but I can't seem to shake these ridiculous insecurities. I know they're due my ex and what he did but there are times where I just can't seem to get past it and end up transferring all my doubts and trust issues onto my partner.

How on earth does anyone get past this? Is there anything anyone here has tried that has helped? I have a useless psych who I don't feel comfortable discussing anything with, I have absolutely no family, and of the few friends I have there are none I would discuss my relationship with.
I don't want my past issues and insecurities to take over because I know it would ruin our relationship but I just can't stop these feelings and thoughts once they start!

[Open Eyes]

((Foreign Soul)),

I sounds like you are not sure how to not be a victim anymore. You went a while being a victim and it hurt you deeply, so it is normal any relationship would worry you. It sounds like this man is a nice one and really cares about you. Well, you have to make up your mind to take a chance as we can never be totally certain of anyone.
You have to make sure that you are not "projecting" bad things for your future, which happens once anyone has been abused or tramatized like you have.

Have you met this new partner's family? Watched how they interact with him and each other? That is always a big help, because you will get to see what he knows, has seen as an example in his past.

Open Eyes

[matthewpierre]

An open and honest conversation with your current partner about your past relationship may be helpful for the two of you. If he understands where your insecurities come from, he may be better able to help you feel comfortable, and help you work towards building trust. If you feel your psych is not helpful, you may want to seek another one. Having your partner accompany you to sessions may also be a good way to address some of your insecurities. I wish you the best, and I am glad that you have found someone that treats you the way that you deserve to be treated.

[Foreign_Soul]

Open Eyes,

I don't think I've ever really had a time in my life where I haven't been abused. I cut contact with all family only earlier this year because of my "mother's" continued abuse (mostly emotional and psychological now) and our "family's" continued acceptance of her behaviour (they knew she was abusing me growing up but never said or did anything to stop her). I suspect she has what is now called antisocial personality disorder.

I know what I want to happen but it's difficult for me because I've never had any role models or examples in my life, other than what NOT to be or do, and it seems more and more like the negative is taking over. It's like the "not everyone cheats and lies" is turning into "everyone in my life up to this point has cheated and lied so why would that suddenly change?" and because I've grown up with negativity I can't seem to get through it to the positive that I know is there.

So far I have only met my partner's sister as his family are quite far away from us. I know his father was in the army and he is very "traditional" with regards to family, which is good because I tend toward more traditional values myself. I think my partner's life has been pretty similar to mine though, in that there's a lot of examples of what NOT to be or do in our pasts.
I guess I sort of feel like I'm floundering around and I hate not knowing the ins and outs of everything. I've spent my entire life having no one to rely on for anything and having a partner who isn't abusive and wants to help and support me in any way he can is very strange and new to me and I don't know how to deal with it.

Anyhow, I'm rambling again so I'll stop and let everyone breathe!

[Harley47]

lol No worries Soul. Type as much as you need.

I think Open Eyes NAILED it in a fantastic post...your ex, by virtue of you being so young when you were together and for the length of time, created an abusive relationship like that as your mental "norm," on top of everything else prior. To have such a radical departure from that in a guy who truly cares and loves you is naturally going to be a strange transition.

But you have to trust him. Speaking purely in statistical terms, the sample of abusive people you've been exposed to is not representative of the population. Your boyfriend deserves the chance to prove he's going to be good for you, and you owe yourself the comfort and peace of mind that comes with believing that. "Innocent until proven guilty," basically.

Best of luck to you both. God bless, and Merry Christmas.

Hugs,
Harley