[susiev]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I was very in love and loyal, but found out he had been cheating on me and had multiple other partners, so we broke up. After a year, he seemed very different and had changed his life around for the better, so we got back together. Since then he has not cheated but has gotten increasingly controlling, and as a result I have lied to be able to spend time with old friends etc. When guilt overcomes me and I admit to the lies I have told, he imposes consequences on me and more rules and says that I deserve them and it is the only way he will trust me and I need to the prove myself and change like he did. I know this is controlling, but is it a logical consequence because I lied and he now can't trust me? I only have told white lies, and would never be unfaithful.

[turquoisesea]

Feeling like you have to lie just to go out with friends seems SUPER SUPER unhealthy imo. I hope this isn't too blunt, but I think you need to make a change in this. Don't let him control you in this way. He was the one that cheated on you. You were faithful. He should not expect you to "change like he did", or "prove" yourself - it sounds like you already have. If he can't trust you, and if you can't talk to him these are serious issues that are at the core of your relationship and need to be dealt with.

Just my thoughts, I hope you figure things out I think continuing to write things out and talk to other people about them might help you get perspective and know better what to do.

[Leed]

Why on earth can't you see old OR new friends? For him to keep you from doing what you WANT to do is totally unacceptable! He is a controlling creep, and it all stems from his low self-esteem. He ACTS like he's "macho-man" but he's not. His self-esteem is so low, you'd have to pick it up with a shovel. So he treats you crummy so that YOUR self-esteem is rock bottom too. He doesn't want YOUR self-esteem to be higher than his.

You need to get away from him until he gets therapy. He definitely NEEDS it. But even more than that, YOU NEED THERAPY. Your self esteem has been battered and plowed under. You seem to think that a man can do this kind of thing and punish you for misbehaving! That's ridiculous!!

Please call a good therapist, and start therapy. Then maybe you can get your self esteem back to "normal" and also get other issues taken care of. I'm sure there ARE other issues that need work. And please do it soon, ok? God bless. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

If you live separately, this is bad but not too bad because you can still have your own life and a sense of control.

If you cohabit, I think you have just described a domestic abuse situation in all its glory.

[Trippin2.0]

This is not a parent-child relationship, what's with the rules and consequences deal? You dont need to prove or change anything 'like he did' bcoz you were not the one who cheated. If anybody should be making rules in this relationship it should be YOU! He has NO reason and NO right to dictate who you see. End of story. Excuse me for being blunt, but your relationship is unhealthy, things need to change before they become toxic, if he doesn't want to loosen his imaginary grip, I suggest you RUN

[katya093]

your man sounds out of control !
I agre with the post above me -
this is not a parenting/ child relationship
you both are adults and don't "deserve" any "punishment "
however you do deserve respect.
the only reason i see it - is
you are only lieing because he is so controlling .
you can not be open with him and honest for if you do he will want you to change or wont approve and if he does not approve you get "punished"
but then if you lie and he finds out the same thing will happen punishment "
to me it looks like a lose , lose situation .
I know you love this man of yours but i would try some
either individual counseling or relationship counseling .
I am 19 and one of my best friends who is 17
is dating a guy who is 18- HE wont let her hang out with her best friends (even me )
when she does and he finds out he yells at her and says " I CAN'T TRUST YOU ANY MORE " BLAH BLAH blah some more babble crap .
and then she loses all her close friends.
i have always told her even though she doesnt respond to my text msgs or calls because he checks her phone
i always say
" look i know you love this guy , and i am not going to tell you to dump him but
i want you to at least put your love for him on pause and think about the love for you .
what's best for (you)
maybe what is best for him is unhealthy for you .
i hate seeing you in this position , i know you are strong but please dont end up being one of those girls who ends up in a relationship where they should be loving and smiling more then being sad. "

i say the same to you .
it breaks my heart losing her.
i live by this
- i love my man but i love my self more. -
that may sound selfish but what your man is doing is selfish
-not okay - and there is nothing wrong with thinking about whats best for you
good luck <3 chika

[Scotty204]

Sorry to say it but this guy is controlling you. Run as fast as you can away from this guy