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How do you have a normal and healthy relationship when you've never known one or had an example of one? I'm debating of moving to the country and living alone for good, but I realize now that is avoiding the problem. But I'm also splitting and every single time I try, I explode in rage which turns to guilt then a deep sadness. I'm very depressed but lucid right now. I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts but no intent of actually doing it. The thoughts stem from my abusive behavior towards my family.Verbal mainly. There's allot of back story though. Dysfunctional and allot of secrets that are coming to the light for the first time. I don't want to ruin my family so I've vowed silence after my last emotional eruption. It's like in that moment I feel right so I say it in a nasty way. But I'm not a mean person, not really I was only trying to be honest. I suffer from co-occurring mental illnesses and alcoholism. I'm in therapy and see a Pdoc but I don't know what to do anymore.

I wouldn't say move to another country ,
I agree it could be avoiding .
But if you live with your family
maybe staying with someone who is close by while working in therapy and
working on things with the family .
being in a different environment and being able to work on things
is proven to work better then being in the same environment that you are trying to work on .
Not to far away though . If i was in your shoes i would bring that suggestion up .
Maybe a friend or family friend , relative . ?
it is not healthy to be in a place where there are a lot of unresolved "secrets , "
or unknown things that cause tension .
I would look in to that and then go from there,
baby steps (:
good luck !

I cannot say that I understand exactly what you are going through. I do know a bit about dysfunctional relationships with family. As well as holding some resentment towards them. I too have never seen a healthy relationship, for as long as I can remember, dysfunction and cruelty have always been a staple for relationships.

I kind of just choose to do the opposite of what I have seen. I know what makes a bad relationship, and while I may not know what makes a healthy one, I know that not doing the bad stuff is a good start.

I hold some resentment towards my family, especially my mother. I find it hard to talk to her, and she makes me very agitated just speaking to her. Sometimes I am very short with her. Sometimes I ignore her. I am actually a very kind person. But I just find it difficult to be friendly and kind to her due to the way she treated me my whole childhood. I can't help but feel this way... I suppose the only way to move on would be to try and forgive, or forget the past, but it isn't very easy, is it?

Sometimes moving away and creating space can help clear your mind. Unhealthy relationships can really bring you down especially when living together. Maybe you can invite your family to a session?