[jaded67]

I have been married before (17 years, adopted a child with major behavioral issues and fostered several); he has been married twice - once to a woman who intentionally defied her dr's advise and ended up deliverying a 5 month old premie that died in his arms and then 12 years to a woman who cheated and controlled (he had 3 boys - now 9,12 and 15).

We have been together for 2 1/2 years, engaged for 1, slated to marry in October 2012, but, I postponed due to personal reasons. We are slated to marry again this October.

Over the long holiday (he took a 12 day vacation to be with his kids), he advise me that I as nit picking his kids in a way that made him unhappy. The kids have been here (yes he moved into my home of 20 years) for 10 days...I work from home and elected not to take but 1 extra day off with them (because I didn't want to waste my vacation just to stay at home, where I am all the time, and cook and clean up after everyone). So I worked and he spent his time playing alot of games with the kids.

the 9 and 12 year old fight constantly (not just pickering, but, scratching, biting and hitting, kicking), I asked the 9 and 12 year old to get me their dirty clothes so I could wash them (as they were strewn all over the bedroom amidst toys and everything else 1 foot deep), I asked them to pick up their used tissues and bloody tissues (from a lost tooth) and just basically asked them to clean up after themselves. He always does everything for them - washes all the dishes, gets them all breakfast, cleans up after them. He asked me not to discipling them (which I wouldn't do) and let him know what needed to be corrected, but, when I do it falls on deaf ears for he gets defensive.

Help - I don't know what I am doing wrong...all I ask from his kids is for respect - respect of me, my home and my pets - they do not have to love me. I feel what I am asking them is not hurting them or leaving lasting emotional scars....just being respectfully of what they leave around. When the 9 and 12 year old are fighting, I advise him (mostly because he doesn't know they are) but he gets defensive. His 9 year old still wets the bed and when his two older brothers told him he smelled of urine, I asked the 9 year old to change for good hygiene (even though my fiancee heard the other boys).

Am I missing something? I don't want to marry him if we can't get past this...I don't want to be their mom, just their friend, but I feel like I should be able to say something as an adult when the kids are not appropriate. I'm 45...so I'm not new to this relationship stuff but this has be stumped.

[sesame]

Honestly, I don't think anything you're doing is inappropriate. I'd do the same things in your position. You're not asking too much of the children - simply for them to respect your living space, as well as for them to respect each other while inhabiting your living space.

[jaded67]

Thanks for the comment; I'm totally confused, but, yesterday he thought alot about it and I think he is just trying to overcompensate for the fact that they are divorced and he doesn't see the kids but once every 2 weeks. He works over the road so it makes it difficult. I know she hounds those kids constantly and I think he feels that we need to give them a more stable, nuturing environment then what she is. I understand why he does it, but, honestly, those kids need directives to teach them respect and responsibility...respect for property, respect for each other, respect for personal space and responsibility for their own actions if they misbehave.

We will see where this goes; right now he says he has changed and he doesn't know why; he says he needs to focus more on our relationship and on being an "engaged" dad...I agree. Maybe just stress of the holidays and all but I certainly will be monitoring it.

Thanks again.

[katya093]

he has been through a lot and
him having gone through a divorce and having the kids part time or w/e
- i know he might feel like he needs to be the better parent ?
me having divorced parents that plays in a lot ,
you do their chores let them go out
and soon it will turn in to
" but dad lets me go out ! "

the kids need to be disciplined so
what ur doing isnt even bad , actually its good parenting lol
be strong and
hopefully he will come around

[katya093]

if the parents do everything for the kids
they will turn in to little brats ( sorry to say ) but true
and expect you to do everything
there are shows that portray this kind of life style
lol
and u see a bad outcome

[katya093]

hope all goes well chika !
<3
good luck !

If I wasn't permitted to set boundaries and provide constructive correction and discipline, then I'd have to seriously reconsider the whole relationship altogether.

I wouldn't allow anyone to come into my home and disrupt, corrupt or destroy my peace and tranquility.

And, God help anybody who tries to tease, torment or hurt one of my pets ... I shan't have it!

Good Luck & Best Wishes.

First of all I don't think you're doing anything hurtful or wrong to the children, be confident in that. But I have to add something.

Dealing with your fiancee's kids is a very tough situation. Even if you do everything right, the parent (mom or dad depending on your gender) will always side on the children's side at first. It's a very complex situation and I wish I could tell you it won't be but it just is. As a father that pretty much brought up a step son that is now 18 -- there never was a bond made. I was always wrong, and he was very spoiled by his mother and defended against me even when he was in the wrong. Now I am no longer with his mother and there were deeper issues betwen myself and my ex, which fueled the conflict so don't take this as a gloomy outcome for you. It can be worked out but he'll need to acknowledge you as a co-authority figure in the house when they are there. Period. You and your husband-to-be need to talk about this and work it out. It's not about you being mean or wrong, it's about the complexity of step-parenting. The kids may always feel like "you're not my mom!" unless he changes it and teaches them to respect you. So don't take it as if you're doing anything wrong with the kids. You aren't. It's about the situation ok?

Now my solution is you get into pre-marital counseling and work together with him on this. With an ex and being cheated on before he's gonna need a mediator to really hear you, as he may have issues with trust already. Please do this. It will work wonders for you!

*hug*

I agree that it is very important that you and your fiance go to pre-marital counseling to iron out some of the kinks. It can only help (it's important that you are on the same page when it comes to the BIG things like money, raising kids, roles in the hh, education, etc).

And yes, it is important that the children respect you and your family home

Wishing you the very best!

[jaded67]

Thanks everyone. Your comments have been very enlightening.

I came from a family in which married vows were taken seriously (my parents have been married for 55 years), thus, I have never had to go through being a kid to divorced parents. I know that when my ex and I divorced, we made it a point to raise our daughter on the same page (we actually get along better now that we are not a couple - no arguing at all through the divorce and even now about 4 years of being apart).

I think he is coming around now. We spoke the other night and I think he realizes this is a very different dynamic.

Originally Posted by jaded67

Thanks everyone. Your comments have been very enlightening.

I came from a family in which married vows were taken seriously (my parents have been married for 55 years), thus, I have never had to go through being a kid to divorced parents. I know that when my ex and I divorced, we made it a point to raise our daughter on the same page (we actually get along better now that we are not a couple - no arguing at all through the divorce and even now about 4 years of being apart).

I think he is coming around now. We spoke the other night and I think he realizes this is a very different dynamic.

I'm so glad that he seems to be coming around. Please keep in mind the pre-marital counseling in spite of that. There may be things you both can learn that are yet unforeseen situations.

*many hugs*