[rob0318]

I still hurt so much everyday. I still think about her all the time. I guess I hurt so much because I really don't know what she is thinking, does she miss me the way I miss her. Why is she so angry, frustrated, and confused. It's been over three months since the break up and she still has not talked to me about this. She wanted nothing to do with me for the first month, no texting, no calling, removed me from facebook all the normal break up stuff. The second month she told her family she still wanted me to hang out with them because we were all friends and I did do a lot with most of them. The second month I started writing her letters. She did not write back and I knew she would not, that's just not her style. I know she read the letters because the first letter I gave to her cousin when she was going over to her house for a party for her daughter. When her cousin gave her the letter, she went right away to the bedroom to read it. I wrote a few more letters after that. I saw her twice before Christmas and spent a little bit of time with her in her house. We never talked about us, but it felt good just to see her. She sent me a text saying it was not a good idea to come back over because she could get involved to quick and she did not want that. I saw her again on Christmas night. I brought my daughter over because my daughter bought gifts for her two kids and my ex and her som bought something for my daughter. We spent about an hour an a half there. I was expecting another one of those text messages the next day but she didnt, so I felt a little better. I still talk to her mom and dad, as a matter of fact I still go over to her dads house about once a week, they live behind her. We were close and did hang out, drink a couple beers and just watch tv. I still do this. I guess I just think If I can still maintain a relationship with her parents then maybe it will help. Another thing at first she asked me not to go to the same gym we both went to. About a month ago I sent her a text saying I would like to go and will not go at the same time she does. She never replied back, so I took that as fine. She still pays for my membership, she has not canceld it, we have a joint membership. I saw her about a week ago, I asked if there was any mail at her house and she said yes that she would leave it on the front porch and to come the next day to get it. I went to get it and she forgot to leave it outside. She said sorry she forgot, she asked me in the house. She gave me the mail and we just kinda chit chatted for about 30 minutes. Again, I felt pretty good because I got to see her and talk to her. A couple days goes by and I went to the gym. She was there, she usually is not there at this time. I talked to her for a minute and asked if it was ok that im at the gym. She said, I dont care what you do. I guess I just dont understand her, I dont understand what women think. I dont know if or when we may be able to start over. I do love her very much and miss her a lot. I guess I just wish we could talk. I'm very confused myself, although in my heart I know I would wait a life time to get her back. Am I crazy, any suggestions. Any women out there that can tell me what this may mean.

[Leed]

It's very hard to advise you because we don't know why you broke up in the first place. If we knew it would be easier.

But since we don't, there's no way we can give you any advice. For instance, if you cheated, we certainly couldn't advise you to try to get her back. So why did you break up?

Maybe then we can help. Take care. Hugs, Lee

I am sorry you are going through this. It all sounds very strange, confusing and painful.

As with Lee, hard to advise without a little more information regarding your breakup.

Based on what you did write, however, I wish you the best and hope you find peace within yourself to cut ties completely and get on with your life. It sounds as if she truly wants nothing to do with you

*unfortunately when we break up with our SO, their side of family gets custody of them...no matter how much we like them

[rob0318]

No cheating. we did argue a lot. mostly little things, again I have mood swings and this plays into it. I lived with her for the past year and half. My daughter lived with us for about 8 or 9 months and the end of this. My daughter was 15 almost 16 when she moved in. my ex after a few months brought to my attention that my daughter was being very disrespectful most of the time and my daughter was disrespectful towards her kids as well. this did not settle well for my ex. I had so much on my plate with work, my daughter, my ex wife, my son, and just people that needed me. I was very stressed out and did not handle things the way I should have. I felt distant from my ex and of course knowing and seeing all this now I can understand. I guess I never really commuicated correctly and felt like she did not understand. I'm sure she did, she just wanted me to handle things better. There were also several times when I drank to much and would spoil the night or mood due to my mood swings. Im really nit sure why I do that. We both are very busy at work and at home. She also started a new job and that job was very stressful for her. We love each other very much and I know she does miss me. No physical violence either in any shape or form. She has some problems as well, she has some medical problems, she does not sleep very well, she gets stressed out very quick, she has rheumatoid arthritus, minor thyroid issues, and is having some mood swings as well. She thought the mood swings may be caused by some hormone issues. She cant really take birth control pill because it changes her personality for some reason. She was on this birth control that was inside her and she was always feeling sad at times and even crying for no reason. So yes she does have some medical problems. She is very stubborn and does not want to be placed on medication because she thinks she is to young for that. So she tries other things to help with this. I'm just wondering if she really needs time for herself and thinks I need time for myself. I hoping she wants to see if I can really be a different person. I have been getting a lot of help and I've had plenty of alone time to really think about things and the things I need to correct. I still have a lot of personal things at her house, mainly tools and outdoor stuff. These items are all in her garage. I still have personal mail that goes to her house and I'll pick it up from time to time. She has not canceled my gym membership after three months, and she stills pay for it. It's really difficult to explain everything through forum text. I know she is still angry, upset, or just confused. I know she is not seeing or talking to another man and really does not have interest doing so. I'm still very close to her family, and again her parents do live behind her and I have gone over to hang out with her dad. He does like me coming over. My ex knows I go there. I would think if she really wanted nothing to do with me and really felt there was no reconsiliation in the future and would not be allowed to do these things and she would make me get my stuff out of her house and probably would not want me hanging out with her cousins and her dad. Hell I even play an online game still with her mom. My ex is very close with her all family. Hope this helps as far as more info. If you have some advise or feelings about this please let me know. Thank you...

Hi, thanks for writing!

IMO, when there are children involved, the kids come first. That's part of the deal. Your job to make sure the kids grow up to be responsible healthy (somewhat but not really) ready for real life adults (if you can think of a kid as an "adult" at 18. Personally I don't but 18 is 18 so...).

Anyway, I do think your relationship sounds very rocky and both sides have issues to work on. Which I don't think is a bad thing either. It doesn't seem as if things aren't do-able for you both if you get the help that you need.

BUT the bottom line, the relationship needs to be on hold until the children go to college / are out of the house. It's not fair to them. For as painful as that is and for as much as you want to be with her, your kids are #1 priority. And you definitely don't want them to grow up in an unhealthy environment. Focus on them and prepare them to be successful.

Best wishes to you both!

[rob0318]

thank you rose. agree, the kids must come first. My daughter is a senior so college is around the corner, a long corner lol. Her son is in college this year and she made him move back in. 1 because his grades and two I really think she wants him there. She had a breakdown when he left this year. She seems happier that he is back. The 3rd, she does have a small daughter, she is 10. Soooo hopefully dont need to wait for her to go to college. Her daughter does really love me. Anyway, I have hope, and that's what gets me through the day somewhat. Ill continue to have some thereapy and I'm going to the doctor next week hoping to get something to break the edge from this anxiety. Have some friends that are taking lexapro and they said they love, could not do well without it. Again thanks