[Mxchick]

Ok so I first of all have been in a few relationships now where I feel like I'm the crazy jealous girlfriend but is it really me? I'm in this relationship now and it's been about a year, every time we go someone where there is a pretty blonde girl (usually only blondes cause that's all he likes) I always see him look. And it's not just a glance it's like a double or triple take and for a long time it didn't bother me, no big deal. Then recently we were talking and he said oh I never look at girls blah blah blah and I said yes you do I see you and we argued about it then it was over. Ok so one day we were eating someone where and some girl walks in cute blonde girl and he stops middle convo with me and looks at her and then loses his train of thought ( by the way he says he has ADHD) then I'm like what are you staring at he goes oh nothing. (Ya right) so after a few times of this every time a cute girl walks by he totally looks and he will never admit it! He'll sit here and tell me he never looks at girls blah blah but he looks at every girl with blonde hair that walks by and it's not like he's glancing or whatever it just so confident that his eyes turn that way when she walks by. And to boot, he's always telling me about his model ex girlfriends and that he can get anyone he wants blah blah blah like am I crazy!? Or is he like making me jealous on purpose!? He has a big ego and it really bothers me. Like I feel I have to worry cause he can get anyone oh and he has money so pretty much can buy girls love that way. Know it sounds twisted but that's how he thinks he's told me. I don't know what to do am I super jealous or does he like set me up on purpose? I feel like I'm going crazy and he's always calling me a crazy jealous girl. I never look at guys or anything so he never feels bad or threatened or whatever and hell sit there and look at girls (0bviously)all the time and will deny it till the me or make an excuse and say he was staring at so,etching else. help... I need ideas on how to help myself if I am super jealous or what.

[shezbut]

(((MxChick)))

Personally, that would bug the HELL out of me!! A subdued glance or two is one thing...but repeatedly staring at every blonde that is nearby is rude, imo. I don't think that you are super-jealous..I think that he's behaving inappropriately.

Adding his tendency to bring up how he's been with so many hot girls, that makes me think that he's insecure & simply brags about his conquests to make himself feel better. Unfortunately, he doesn't admit his behavior...otherwise working through the issues would be a lot easier!

Perhaps you could try pointing out the fact that it bothers you to hear about his past successes. You aren't living in the past ~ you're living in present day. Is it possible for him to stop bringing up the past and enjoy the here and now? Is he dissatisfied being with you? Are you special to him at all? I'd assure him that while I don't need him to avoid all other aspects of life, I do need to know that I'm a top priority in his life. Not just another notch in his belt! How can you two wok together to satisfy one another emotionally? What is he willing to DO to reassure you that you are special? What can you DO to reassure him as he fights his insecurities? You two need to work together to make it through this ongoing issue. If you leave it alone, it will eventually cause a deep divide between the two of you. Work on fixing this now.

I wish you both the best ~ try to be patient and understanding towards one another. Take care!

Oh, and to Psych Central!

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with Shez... This just doesn't sound good at all. And what stuck out to me even more than checking out other girls is the fact that he told you he can just buy any girl's love. Does that mean he's buying your love? Is that how he sees your relationship? I'd want to dig further into this. It does sound like he's very insecure, and maybe almost feels like he's not worthy of love on his own (thus the need to buy love?).

I agree, this is going to be a very difficult process when he's not willing to admit there's anything wrong on his side. I'd try to talk to him about it in a calm manner. Not right after you catch him looking at a girl (I almost want to suggest you take a picture of him checking out another girl to show him visual proof... Maybe he seriously doesn't know he's doing it? Is that possible?). I also agree that you need to work on this sooner rather than later because it's only going to build resentment. Btw, he shouldn't be calling you names like a jealous girlfriend. That's really not fair to you and just puts you on the defensive so no real conversation can come... Practice using I statements like "I feel ---- when you do ----. I would appreciate it if next time -----." Make sure to take lots of deep, calming breaths, too.

Basically, I agree with everything Shez said, but felt the need to repeat... Whoops! Sorry

Good luck! Let us know if there's anything we can do to help you!

[avlady]

My son's father was like that with me too. He would stare at anybody(women) especially when they were flaunting girls or women, sometimes I think what is wrong with these women, not him, but they are burdensome for me, and don't seem to care, maybe they've never had a boyfriend, etc.. but leave me alone and get out of my business!!I used to get jealous as i was insecure I'll admit that but that was probably the reason. Regardless I'm happy I didn't end up staying with him, for such reasons and alot more

[Scotty204]

This guy is being rude and disrespectful plain and simple. He has no respect for you feelings either. It's not acceptable what he's doing.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I agree with Shez... This just doesn't sound good at all. And what stuck out to me even more than checking out other girls is the fact that he told you he can just buy any girl's love.

I agree that it is outrageous.

Checking out blonde girls and losing his train of thought may be something he cannot control. But " he's always telling me about his model ex girlfriends and that he can get anyone he wants blah blah blah like am I crazy!?" is something very calculated and purposeful. Not good.

So you are not being jealous - you just have the right gut feeling that he is not a good catch for you.

[hamster-bamster]

To answer your question, neither you nor he is crazy. You are correctly seeing red flags; he is just not a good person.

[hamster-bamster]

Mxchick, to reply directly to the title of your thread, the sad truth is HE IS NOT CRAZY ABOUT YOU! You need someone who is. I will tell you a story.

I have excellent dark chestnut hair. I have always liked it though to this day I cannot style it and I have no patience for blowdrying.

Many years ago I was very much in love with an older man. Twice my age or so. I was in my twenties. He was married with a lovely wife, five years older than him, and wonderful children. His wife had stunning looking silver hair, which she refused to color, accepting age gracefully. I do not know for sure what her hair color was before she turned grey but I think it was brown. Their twin daughters had light brown hair and other kids, dark brown. Nobody was blond.

The man reciprocated my feelings but very little was done about it because he was married. Plus, he was afraid of becoming attached to me. It was all horribly frustrating for me. When we parted, I stayed in california and he and his family left for texas, I cried. I wanted to at least see him.

It was very clear that he was completely crazy about me and thought that I was just totally awesome in all aspects.

This man did not happen to notice blonde women in my presence, but he talked a lot about some beautiful blonde women he had seen in the past.

I found it totally amusing. I let him speak about those blonde women to his heart' s content. And although we never discussed it, I think he appreciated that I was understanding and did not censor him. His wife and daughters would censor him even when he mentioned the physical beauty of an actress in a movie! But to me, it was a funny peculiarity. I knew very well that he was hopelessly attracted to me and would have married me in a heartbeat if not for his circumstances.

The point is, when a guy is crazy about you, it shows. When you know he is crazy about you and you are the absolute best in his eyes, you can, with grace, allow him to notice blonde women. After all, you do not believe you are the only gorgeous woman on Earth, are you? And you do not need to be the number one on earth to feel secure; all you need is to be the number one in his eyes.

And your mention of your not noticing other guys is completely irrelevant. I am not naturally drawn to noticing guys' looks at all. I know it is my feature. Everyone has his or her set of feautures. Some are tweakable and others immutable. I cannot eat spicy food but I am open to dating people who like spicy food. He is not required to have features that are identical to yours. This is in regards to his losing his train of thought which was probably an uncontrollable reaction on his part and he is entitled to uncontrollable instant attraction.

However, if he notices blonde ladies on purpose, in a cold and controlled manner, and the purpose is to make you feel inferior, then he is a bad, mean person, and you need to run fast. I never felt inferior when the gentleman described above mentioned someone looking like Monroe; I always felt great and fabulous in his presence. If you do not feel fabulous, you need to cut the losses. ASAP

[hamster-bamster]

Mxchick, I was thinking of your situation yesterday when I went to the movies with one of the guys I have been dating. He does not display the behavior you describe in your bf.

The girl who sold him tickets was unusually beautiful. Stunning shining straight black hair, stunning full lips, and I said to the guy, in a language the girl would not understant, what. A nice girl! He uttered something completely incoherent in response, so, I am afraid, I am gonna die one day without learning whether he agreed with me. The movie was Les Miserables. There is a character, Cosette, played by two actresses,a child and a young woman. I found the face of the young woman extraordinary. Not so much along the lines of sexual attractiveness but extremely expressive with wonderful features painted in broad strokes with large eyes... and straight natural blonde hair. After the movie ended and we went outside, I said to the guy: adult Cosette, what a good face! He agreed and continued on talking about the genre of opera movies.

And I thought to myself: do you do such things? Because if you do not, you might try. With this guy or any other guy. This one does not seem like a great fit for you in the long term, so, if I may offer my opinion, the ultimate strategic solution should be to discard him, but you can try this trick as a tactical solution. Take the initiative. Point out beautiful blondes to him before he notices. Just make sure to be polite. Empower yourself. Surprise him

[hamster-bamster]

Surprise him by your maturity, sense of security, and independence.

If he notices blonde girls specifically to exploit your vulnerability, he might stop once he sees that you are not vulnerable anymore. If there is no vulnerability, there is nothing to exploit. You cannot hurt someone with good ammunition. Do not let him get a rise of you. Volunteer appreciation of other girls physical beauty. You are a big girl and you can handle it.

Another tactical trick is to start noticing men. I was not exactly clear why you do not. If you cannot, then never mind, it is your immutable feature. You cannot adjust factory settings. I was incorrect yesterday saying that I never do. Just very rarely. Yesterday in the three hour movie I noticed one pleasant male face and several female ones. That is typical of me. In East Asian people, I only appreciate the beauty of select female faces and neever male ones. I am perfectly straight, btw. But whatever, if you are like me, there is little to be done about it, but if you are not like me, if you notice cute guys but hide it, then STOP! For goodness sake, stop. Let it be known that you do. Let him deal with it.let him have a taste of his own medicine. This would restore the balance of power between the two of you.