[allme]

Hi,

I have been with my husband for 14 years (since I was 18) and I am very close to him....most of the time. You see, I love him with my everything....I couldn't imagine my life without him. People say that but I literally mean I couldn't imagine my life without him to the point where I plan to kill myself if he dies before me. I am dependent on him for EVERYTHING. He keeps me straight and is my voice of reason. He arranges our social life and if it wasn't for me making friends with his friends SO's I would be without friends. He gets me out of the house, he takes me shopping, he cooks our meals, I mean he does everything. I am the one that works for our living but in every other aspect he takes care of me. Without him I am NOTHING. I have nothing without him. He is my best friend, my lover, my all. But you see I have this pattern....when I realise I have become too attached I back off and push him away a bit. I then get sad and angry at him and push him away even further trying to be more independent. But it never works and I fall in love with him all over again only to repeat my unhealthy pattern. I get scared at the level of dependence I have on him. But I don't know how to be independent. My moods a lot depend on how he is feeling too. I don't know how else to be, it's always been this way. I want to love him and want him but not need him. I see myself through his eyes, my moods are dependent on his being good too. I resent him for it sometimes and it's so wrong because it's not his fault.

I really am nothing without him and right now, I do plan to end my life if he dies before me. I am really nothing and worthless without him.

I want to change but I don't know how to

Change will come when change is needed, this is a season in your life, in your marriage, and if it ain't broke, why fix it? I was refreshed to hear of your love, and I personally think you have a wonderful relationship. If you feel that you are too dependant on your husband though, he is a part of you. Even if (and/or when) he dies, you will have all the love you had needed from him and you will survive. Bless you allme <3

[allme]

Thank you

[greatfaith]

Hi, I have been married 30yrs and have known my husband since I was 17yrs. old he is also my everything and I love him with all thats in me and I know he feel the same. It been a wonderful and blessed 30yrs yrs.

I appreciate all that you have said. You know when you and your husband got married you two became one flesh so its nothing wrong with feeling so attach to the one you vow to live your life with for the rest of your life.

I would not suggest for you to take you own life if your husband would leave this place before you. We are stronger than we think and I don't think your husband who apparently loves you with all thats with in him will want that.

Feeling what or how your husband may feel or is feeling each day is only natural you to share life together each and every day. If he is happy its natural that you want to be happy , if he is sad its natural that you are sad, you are one flesh.

Stay strong my dear and enjoy life with your man and allow him to enjoy life with you. If you want a change, how about you do something for him that he always or normally would do for you. All my best to you both

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.

[winter4me]

And he, it seems, is dependent on you financially.
If you need to feel more independent, you might try doing one hobby/activity (a craft, music, something athletic (exercise, run/walkathons, local women's team), or just taking a trip somewhere, alone or with a group for a day or three) --something on a regular basis that You do. It doesn't have to involve pushing your husband away at all to be independent of him. You can tell him all about it if he will enjoy hearing about what you do & so, still share.
I guess I would be a bit afraid of such powerful dependent feelings...I know,
in fact, those fears may be what has kept me from a great deal of support I might have enjoyed...

[avlady]

I am also dependant very much on my husband, he says he doesn't mind doing things for me, and i believe him in fact he loves taking care of me. He drives me to doctors appointments, shops, picks up my meds, and we enjoy a great relationship. I love him soo much but worry if he died i would be left useless with myself. I worry about this every day.

[H3rmit]

My husband and I are very dependent on each other, and we are okay with that. It's better than having love-hate dramas, breaking up, getting back together, and a bunch of nonsense like that. Okay, so maybe it's not ideal emotional health, but who has that? I feel the same way about living without him as you do in your case.

I wish he were a little less clingy, because it's hard to get any time to myself, and I do need some. But isn't it great that mostly we can accept each other and work out things from there?

So, a little more independence is a good thing, I think. I would make the same suggestion as winter4me. You feel you want to change. Why, exactly? Is it a should or a real want?

[Perna]

You listed many practical activities that you could take part in if you wanted to. My husband and I go to the grocery store together; although I am the one with meat buying experience my husband has asked to be taught "about" meat and now I no longer fear if something happened to me he would live on cheese hot dogs like when I met him, LOL.

I think marriage at its best is a partnership and each partner should be cross-trained in the other person's strengths. We all know stories of the women of the past (and often still today) who have no financial clue and are personally devastated by divorce or the death of their spouse. The other aspects of maintaining a household are no less important to learn? I think we have also seen the opposite; men who are divorced or widowed and have to remarry (or find a willing woman) to be taken care of as they have only worked all their time, do not know anything about running a household or caring for themselves (what we in my work group referrred to as not knowing which room of the house the refrigerator is kept in). My husband does his own personal laundry and consults me about any changes he is anticipating in our finances. We are a true partnership able to temporarily take over household management if something happens to one of us (what are you going to do if your husband is just hospitalized and then has a long recouping period?)

[allme]

Thanks all

I guess I feel like I 'should' change in one sense and in another I 'want' to change this kind of attachment because I fear losing him and being alone and there is no way, being as I am now, I could not function alone. My emotional dependency is through the roof. I love my husband and to be honest, I could quite happily live the rest of my life with knowing only him and not give a damn about the rest but I fear what will happen when he is gone. He is 13 yrs older than me and since women live longer than men, I figure he will die first My ultimate fear is being alone and since all my eggs are in my husbands basket....I will have nothing when he is gone...I think and get scared about this on a regular basis which is why I don't want to be so dependent on him. I love him so much.....I would pray that I die first but wouldn't want him to go through that pain. These things go through my head all the time and I am scared which is why I think I need to be more independent.

[H3rmit]

Well, that really makes sense why you want to and it's reasonable you should be independent. I thought Perna's advice makes sense as a starting point - you can learn from each other.

Not that it's working with my husband learning to cook, exactly, but maybe he'll get it.

[healingme4me]

Well, let's pray your husband has a long life ahead of him. I've seen some shining examples of women, in widowhood. My grandmother, her friends, other relatives, etc. Widows, seem to find a way, to figure out finances, grown children can help out there. Luncheons, bowling leagues, time with friends, reading, knitting, etc. Sure, life isn't the same, at the same time, life does carry on.
Lots of women, I've found, not just my age, but older generations, have the May/December relationships, with the age gap a decade or so apart. It's a reality, one recognizes when choosing older men.

I like Perna's advice. Maybe, he won't learn to cook or do laundry, but sitting down and just watching the balancing of a checkbook, was something my grandfather did with my grandmother, when he took ill.

Hang in there. There's nothing wrong, per se, with feeling emotionally dependent on someone that you get along with, so well! Consuming yourself with worry, can be alleviated by just going over the basics of the household finances, and keep in contact with your circle of friends.

[allme]

Thanks so much everyone!