Mom Is too clingy

I'm 32 and I've lived on my own since I graduated college. I have a great job, and live about 45 min from my parents. My bro is no longer in the picture so essentially, I'm an only child. My mom is retired and my dad still works. My mom has nothing better to do than obsess about me, how I'm doing, wanting me to move back closer to them, etc.

So today she texted me saying she hadn't heard from me or seen any posts on fbook since yesterday morning so she was checking on me to see if I was okay. For real? Come on! After I talked to her for a while and confirmed that I am going home to see her and my dad this afternoon, she then asked if "something was up"??? I'm like, why would u think something is wrong. She said its a mothers intuition. I'm a little offended. Let me grow up! Let me be my own person. And if something WAS "up" and I didn't mention anything to you, then maybe I don't wanna talk about it!

Now I have no desire to go home for the visit. It's like it's never enough. I go home for dinner one night and she asks if I'm staying over, etc. I cannot establish clear lines without hurting her feelings and its driving me further away. Ive tried to talk to her about it and it doesn't matter..she so sensitive that she takes it as a personal insult and attack. Now, I have to go there and pretend to want to be there this afternoon and I have no desire to go. She seriously needs to back the hell off!

I understand the feelings involved with myself showing to be too needy. I would make things worse than what I intended. It was painful for me to learn this with people avoiding the needy me. Now, I try not to be needy, I have learned to use distractors to stop being needy. So, I manage that now and not feel fearful if things don' t happen in a certain way.

I guess I play the games forum to be in the present. I can relax there playing the games and use them like a meditation facilitator.

It' s working better than I thought. Before, the needy behaviour was controlled, but now, I think my subconscious lets out issues that caused the behaviour. So, then I can understand so I can change.

Sorry about what you are experiencing right now. I hope there is a resolution soon.

Take care.

Boundaries are important even between mother & daughter.

Funny, I grew up an only child & I remember from the age of 5 I didn't want my parents to treat my like their baby. I was embarrassed to be in public with my parents even at that age & when they wanted to hold my hand, I wanted to be as far away from them as possible so no one would know we were related......have no idea how at 5 years old I felt or thought that way.....but it definitely was what it was. Somewhere even at that age I didn't want them to treat me like their baby for the rest of my life & my mother didn't work...her whole life was her house, my father & me. I'm sure that's why we had our fights throughout my growing up years.....but looking back I can't even remember what the fights were about & couldn't remember even right after the fight while my mother carried her hurt for days & weeks at times.

I can definitely understand how you are feeling & I think it's normal feelings between mother's & daughters depending on the personalities. I was always very independent & my mother was always very self-conscious with huge lack of self-esteem & so was my father. Remember my mother was always wondering if they gave her the wrong baby in the hospital when she brought me home because I was absolutely NOTHING like them.....but I didn't want to be anything like them either & worked very hard at not being like them from as far back in my life as I can remember......wish I knew where that thinking came from so many years ago.

It's definitely difficult to fight for your own independence without hurting the feelings of parents (especially mothers) who don't want to let go. I wish I had some good words of wisdom but my life was like that the whole way through with my mother.

However at the end, she didn't want anyone around her for fear they would see just how sick her cancer was making her & then she would have to leave her house......that stupid thinking on her part was what caused me to end up going through the trauma with the home care person who wasn't the RN she said she was & stole my mother's ID & tried to write checks out of her check book. It was after I caught her on the phone applying for a credit card using my mother's name & she cut the phone cord that she also ended up calling the police to accuse me of abusing my mother I protected her from this evil person but it was at a huge cost to me. Interesting how personalities really mess up relationships in different ways over the years.....interface between mother & daughter in many cases is very difficult. Some are great....but it seems that most are difficult.

No real words of wisdom, just do what you feel is necessary to keep your boundaries where you need them to be

Hi ~ You may HAVE to risk hurting her feelings if you ever want some independence.

I know you said you've tried talking to her, but REALLY talking to her? You've GOT to tell her to STOP treating you like a baby. Stop "demanding" that you check in or let her in on your every movement. Give you space! Tell her that you will NOT call every day, and you will set up (whatever day(s) ) for visiting, but it will be at YOUR convenience since she doesn't work. Several days or maybe even a week may pass before she hears from you -- and she has to accept that. If she doesn't hear from the police, you're not dead!

Like I said, you're going to have to risk hurting her feelings. She WILL get over it, and will be VERY happy to see you when you DO come to visit. If she gets mad, she'll get over that too -- she doesn't want to lose you. She's GOT to set you free! She really knew that when you were growing up, but she couldn't accept it -- and when you didn't push the issue, she was in her glory! Now you've got to PUSH the issue and because it's gone on so long, it's going to be harder. But you've got to do it for both your sakes. She's got to find friends her own age -- and so do you.

God bless and I hope this all works out. Take care and let us know how things go. Hugs, Lee

I tried to stand up for myself yesterday-we walked into the house after doing some shopping and she immediately said, "wash your hands," as if I wasn't smart enough or old enough to know to wash them myself. I was actually just walking into the bathroom to wash them when she told me! I told her she didn't have to tell me to do that-I'm 32 and an adult and I know better.

My dad told me to not talk to her that way, half joking, so he wasn't trying to start any trouble. But then my mom said to not talk to her like that. As if I were doing something wrong! My mom then said, in tears, "you know what? I would die to have someone love me as much as I love you." What the hell? Talk about emotionally unstable!

I told her that she doesn't have to show me she loves me by feeding me, or buying me things, or in this case, reminding me to wash my hands so I don't get sick.

This is just another example. I DID stand up for myself, and this is an example of her reaction. I'm not sure where to go from here...

Woah, your mum does sound a bit OTT. Its very strange that you can't remark on anything without getting all the tears and emotional blackmail.

I agree with the others, you have to try and find a way to set boundaries. I, for example, would remove my mum from facebook for a start. I do not have my mum on facebook, and no way would allow it, even if we did get along!

Have you ever thought of writing a letter? A very very gentle one. At least you'll be able to get your point over without the emotional reaction from your mum - and finish what you want to say. She really does need to give you space to breathe.

Ask mom what's going on with HER. They just went on vacation, etc etc. I mean, take what she said at face value - because you don't remind her to wash her hands, she thinks you don't love her? What does she want? Then tell her she can't have it (if her answer is grandchildren!) - she'll just have to wait her turn! But seriously - I agree, talk to her, but to listen, not tell.

That's a good point. She's in the process of dealing with my gram who is having issues with dementia- so I think it's bringing up ideas of that she has hat her mom didn't love her rtc. Here's the rub- she has to be the one to deal with those issues before I can see a hange in the way she deals with me, you know? She needs to do some real soul searching.

And so maybe she's worried, are you going to take care of her like she's taking care of your gram? I told my mother I was taking her bungee-jumping.

That is very sweet of you.

You guys are rough!

I dealth with this with my grandma. Any time I brought up a problem with her she would take it as if I was attacking her and she would start crying and yelling. She would overreact big time. I never attacked her I was just trying to tell her how my sister and me were feeling. You just have to tell her mom I am not attacking you this is just how I am feeling. It may or may not work. I can tell you it didn't work with my grandma she still takes everything as a personal attack on her. She now lives in SC so its a little better.

Hey if President Bush can jump out of an airplane to celebrate his 80th birthday... I'm just trying to follow his patriotic example. I just don't think the baby boomers are going to sit around being miserable in nursing homes half-dead with no visitors for years. They are going to go out with a bang, bungee-jumping and race-car driving, blind and arthritic as we are!

Hope this topic isn't closed.My mother uses money as a way of clinging to me. I admit I need to learn to be better about my finances but she will loan me money like it's all okay then tell me she needs it back right after loaning and gets mad.She will then say you only come when you need money.That is not true.It's often her health issues that cause me to miss work.She will say she is not going to loan any more money and say hateful things only to say later she is sorry and the cycle continues....what other than watching my money can I do??My brother stays away.