Just wondering if anyone has any experiences either as a child or as a spouse. Is it possiable to make it work for a few years until the kids are older and in college and until I get myself together financially and emotionally?

[desirae]

Yep, every day of my life.

[Lexicon78]

I know you think you're doing the right thing for the kids but they can see through anything and know the truth. The best thing you can do for the kids is be honest with them and yourself.

[wi_fighter]

Something to ponder, do you think you can't get yourself together emotionally while in what you call a dead marriage?

[radio_flyer]

My parents stayed in a "dead" marriage.. I don't know if they did it for the kids, or they felt divorce was not an option.. I can say they both were miserable which didn't help in laying a foundation for a happy family..............

I stayed for l0 years in a dead, abusive marriage.. All it did was wear me down and feed my insecurities. The whole marriage was a big mistake...a nightmare

Only you can decide what you want to do... Getting yourself together emotionally and financially is a good start...

[bebop]

I was a child that the parents stayed for awhile for the kids...it was horrible....have been in dead marriage also..I couldn't stay not even for the kids...I knew what it could do to them.

[Rhapsody]

YES.... at one time I stayed in my marriage for the sake of our three kids and for financial support, but then I got an unexpected GIFT (when I stopped looking so much at his fault and started to acknowledge and work on my own faults with in the relationship) I started to LOVE him again and he in returned LOVED me.... all is well (better) 20 years later.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
I am not telling you to stay or to go, for I do not know your circumstance at home - - - BUT please know that one should NEVER put their own well fair in danger for another.... no physical abuse is worth that.

[jennie]

I had an uncle who did this. Said he would divorce after kids were 18 yrs old. The kids turned out great! He was an awesome dad. Took care of his wife, built the house nicely for her, etc. But, when the he finally divorced, it caused a lot of problems with his children (now adults). They were so angry he abandoned their mom.

Overall . . . I'm all for this . . . IF you care about your spouse AND you can maintain a healthy home environment for everyone (including you) by staying until kids are older. I doubt many people can do this . . . and if you can do this, are you sure the marriage is a "dead" marriage?

[seeker1950]

My marriage was dead from the honeymoon on, and I stayed over 20 years. There were what I thought valid reasons for staying: during the first miserable year, my job as a cartoonist was within earshot of him in the same building, and I didn't know how I could leave and keep my job. Then I became pregnant and shortly thereafter left working to stay home and care for my daughter. Any discussion about divorce resulted in threats that he would take her from me, and I believed him, feeling I had no rights. I stayed until she left for college, moving out into a ratty furnished shortly thereafter, and had never been happier. Divorced 9 years now, working as a teacher, and owning my own home, I'm not sure I did the right thing by staying all that time...over 20 years! One thing I think I'll do soon, though, is change back to my maiden name! Why should I keep a name that represented 20 years of unhappiness!
Patty

i spent all of my first 16 years listening to and seeing my parents fight. not a day went by without a big blowup. i laid in bed, at 5 a.m., and listened to one or the other one say, "if it wasn't for Pat, i'd leave you"......

and then i stayed with an alcoholic for 13 years.....BUT, we never, ever fought in front of the girls. at least i learned something from my parents.

then i re-married and should have left him at about the 8 year mark. stayed til the 16th one though and didn't have a shred of self-esteem or confidence left in me.......

it's a hard one to advise you on.....so, i'll just share what i've been through. and i'd rather be poor and happy. (and i understand that my last one's younger (26 years) wife is starting to give him trouble. who would have thunk it?)

[Rhapsody]

Dear ExoticFlower,

If it is YOU that is considering leaving the marriage, and it is not due to physical abuse or a sexual affair.... Please try reading this book before that decision is ever made.

LINK: http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=1591451876


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[almostangela]

I tried to 'stay for the kids' but one day I just broke down and literally couldn't function anymore. I lost everything because something that doesn't work, just doesn't work. Happiness has a positive value on this earth and we need to strive for it. Today my kids are happier because I am happier and we are out of a negative situation. Their grades are better, their smiles are wider and they are flourishing. However, I suggest you definately air your concerns with a professional. It could be that you just need an adjustment and what a shame to end something that could be fixed.
Good luck in your journey.

[SeptemberMorn]

Twice! It doesn't work. The kids always pick up the "dead" or bad vibes and THEY suffer for it, too. They need a loving environment to thrive and grow, just like anything else.

[wi_fighter]

Yep, Tomi's absolutely right. My kids still bring up the fact that they were kept awake nights while we fought. I'd give anything to take those memories away from them, but I can't. Better to prevent it from happening in the first place.

The money or nicer house that they might have while being in a two-income family is no substitute for the peace and harmony that comes from leaving an unhealthy relationship. Yes, shuffling them back and forth is hard. My ex and I actually considered renting a small apartment that we would share and the kids would stay at the house. We'd be the ones shuttling back and forth and they'd always be in the same environment. It sounds good in theory, and maybe it could work for some couples, but if you're both trying to date and form new relationships, having that shared space, even when you aren't there simultaneously, could be really awkward. We decided against it at the time. Then his new g/f moved in, so now it's not an option at all.

Good luck with whatever you do, but there have been a lot of us on one or both ends of this situation (me, I've been on both ends, my mom staying with my verbally abusive first stepdad, and me staying in my marriage because I was afraid he could follow through with his threats of taking the kids away), and it just doesn't work and isn't healthy.

If you can be amicable and decide that you're going to share the house but form separate lives, great, but I don't know of anyone who's actually done that.

[Rhapsody]

FROM MY SIDE OF THE FENCE....

YES I agree.................. kids can pick up on negative vibes, so why not change the vibes - for in the end lost LOVE & RESPECT can be found again - when one tries.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I must admit I was really surprised by all the responses, it means a lot. I am not sure what exactly I am going to do yet, but all the posts have given me a lot to think about.

My DH and I have been married for almost 13 years, and during the last year and a half he has had an affair. It has ended, but my DH refused to talk about it or even say he is sorry. Luckly this has happend when I was already in therapy.

Well over the weekend I told him we are not having sex (recently he started to want me again, after no sex for 1 1/2 years) until he gets some disease testing done, and therapy for him. He still hasn't replied yet to this.

Our marriage has a had a lot of problems, with his mother, and his 3 older kids, ex wife, but we have gotten through them, but this is different. I believe my feelings for him has changed. I am very hurt and angry right now.

He is a wonderful father and my kids 10, 11 adore him. I have seen what divorse does to kids due to my stepkids and it isn't good even in the best of situations. I just don't see puting my needs and happiness over my kids happiness. Right now we are the major influences on their life, when they are older, they start to form their independence and the parents become less of an influence. I am thinking of waiting until at least my kids are in high school (3 years) before doing anything. I am newly enrolled myself in college and will be finished in 3 years, but if I get a divorse, I would have to give up the school. Plus I homeschool my kids (we live in a very bad school area), and I am afraid I would have to go to work full time with insurance and they would have to attend a poor school. I due plan on having them attend high school which would be in 3 years. This would mean a lot of changes for my kids.

My T supports me waiting, since I am not in a dangerous situation or anything. But he doesn't want me to stay in a dead marriage because he says I will lose myself and become angry at the world. I am starting to get my own life on track, and feel I will be stronger and better be able to handle everything.

I always told my DH that if he ever cheated on me I would leave, but now that I have kids, things have changed . I told him that I am staying married to him for the sake of the kids. He does agree with me about not messing up their life (then why did he have an affair to begin with?) . I guess I will see what he is going to do in the next couple of weeks, he says he wants a 2nd chance. But with all the pain of rejection over the last 1 1/2 years, my feelings for him has changed and I don't know if I will ever trust him again. So I guess I am between a rock and a hard place.
Well I want to thank all of you for your advice, this is an awesome website!
Hugs,
Exotic flower

[wi_fighter]

You've definitely done your homework. That's really good. It really helps to have a therapist that knows what's going on and is helping you make the best of it without you becoming angry.

Having stated your reasons for staying for the kids' sake makes a lot more sense now. I'd have to say I'd probably stick around under those circumstances as well. It's one thing to get them out of a bad situation into something better, but it's another thing completely to take them out of a workable situation and put them into something bad, not just slightly uncomfortable because it's different.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. It looks like you really have your head on straight considering the circumstances. I'm sorry you had to be hurt by your husband.

just don't lose yourself in the process of doing what you plan on doing. and if your feelings have changed, and cheating is certainly a reason to feel the way you do, work on yourself and keep growing.

love cannot always be brought back to a marriage no matter how much work one puts into it. that is a fact. xoxoxo pat

[jennie]

If you do decide to stay, try focusing on your husband's positive traits (parenting). That way you can be cordial to him, especially around your kids. (Of course, keep your boundaries.)

good advice, jennie. boundaries....boundaries...boundaries....xoxoxo pat