[chunkysalsa]

My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years. we have know each other for almost 13 years and 6 months ago, things went south for us.

she had biatritic surgery 2 years ago and lost over 120Lbs. she found a new confidence and things start to wonder. we have a 3 year old boy that both of us adore.

6 months ago, she developed a feeling towards a co-worker/friend. he was going thru similar surgery and almost didn't make it.

3 months ago, she started an flirty email relationship with someone in other states. our counselor said she needs to end that EMOTIONAL AFFAIR before she can work on our marriage. she did, things got better.

3 weeks ago, she went to NY with her girlfriends... she meet a guy at the bar and made out few times. she felt extremely guilty and shame, now she wants to seek what she want in life.

my understanding is she doesn't want divorce but she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. she doesn't know why she is seeking other man, she said it's excitement and makes her feel good. but it's tearing me apart. we are currently sleeps in the separate room (by her request) and we are trying to work things out. She doesn't want to talk about her feelings, she doesn't want to talk about it. She think she just need time to straight things out in her head. we are both miserable and want this to work out.
Last week, she told me she is still texting this guy in NY, nothing serious but she enjoys his companion (i guess). at this time, she told me she will try to end that communication and seek therapy. My therapist i've been seeing side 3 months ago been very helpful and she doesn't think this is healthy.

she still want us to have dinner together as family, do things as family, i can hug and hold her hands but intimacy is out. she doesn't want to talk about it because she think it would hurt me. she misses me and I misses her. i don't want to pressure her and respect her space (she told me she need space and time and work this out on her own) but i don't think she has ended that communication yet. What shall I do? should I pressure her into ending that communication? i don't want to drive her away.

some days, i think there is hope... somedays I just dont know.

Jeff

Hello there, and welcome to the forum.

Am sorry that things have got so difficult for you guys and that you're hurting.

I do not have much advice, but I do know that its very very hard to work things out if one partner isn't talking. Its quite unfair - and not talking to you is just as hurtful am sure, so she isn't protecting you.

Do you know if there are other things that are making her seek others? How is her home life? Is there anything that you guys can do to make the home life a bit more interesting, if that's what she needs? I was thinking along the lines of perhaps you guys can try and reconnect - get a babysitter and go out for date nights or something fun, for you both. Perhaps rekindle some of those feelings that you had before family life and a ton of responsibilities come along.

As for asking her to stop talking to the other people, well, I am not a person who normally makes demands, but she is being unfair. She IS still married to you, and living with you, and she really shouldn't be doing this while you are together. Will she stop the communication with this man if you explain that you really want to try and get things back together, and would just like a chance without another person looming in the background? She should at least give you this if she is serious about trying to fix things. Will she stop if you ask, or will she just carry on without telling you?

I do wish you all the very best, and I hope someone here can give better advice than I. Please keep us posted if you can?

Hugs.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by chunkysalsa

we are currently sleeps in the separate room (by her request) ... i can hug and hold her hands but intimacy is out. she doesn't want to talk about it because she think it would hurt me.

I am afraid that it means that she does not want to have intimacy with you atm. That is why she believes that telling you about it would hurt your feelings.

You can offer her to sleep in the conjugal bed while promising that you would not initiate intimacy. Maybe she will be amenable. But do so only if this sort of arrangement would make it more comfortable for you.

Weight is very important in this society, and is part of identity for countless people. Therefore, losing 120 lbs basically makes one a different person - with a different identity. So if you married her at her heaviest, you are now dealing with a new woman, all of a sudden.

I wonder how she handled pregnancy and childbirth while being so heavy. You said that she had the baby 3 years ago and the surgery 2 years ago. That means that she was very heavy when pregnant, right?

That said, you report that things went south 6 months ago, while the surgery happened 24 months ago. Maybe then you are incorrect attributing her new behavior to the effect that the surgery had on her confidence?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That said, you report that things went south 6 months ago, while the surgery happened 24 months ago. Maybe then you are incorrect attributing her new behavior to the effect that the surgery had on her confidence?

Maybe, maybe not. I doubt if a person changes overnight, and it still takes a while to lose the weight after the op.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Maybe, maybe not. I doubt if a person changes overnight, and it still takes a while to lose the weight after the op.

I see - so it is not like they cut off 120 lbs of her during the procedure?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by chunkysalsa

she still want us to have dinner together as family, do things as family,

Well, that is excellent, because it means that in the worst case scenario (let us call the possibility of a divorce a worst case scenario, just to have a naming convention, even if arbitrary), you will have an amicable divorce. Amicable divorces are way better than conflict-ridden divorces from two very important standpoints: 1) the impact on the child/children involved, and 2) less importantly, but still - it costs far less money.

So, the situation is unclear, it might or might not lead to a separation, we do not have a crystal ball here so we do not know what will eventually ensue, but even if you end up divorcing, you will be able to establish a productive co-parenting relationship post divorce and save money. This is HUGE.

[chunkysalsa]

thanks for all the suggestions... i asked her to stop texting, she said she can't. she doesn't love me anymore and she doesn't find spark in me. she doesn't want a divorce because of our son but she doesn't want to married to me anymore. she said she doesn't know what she wants at this time. I think 6 months ago with her friend on the death bed woke her up to pursuit her happiness in life. that's when she told me she doesn't love me anymore.

last night, we had a conversation ending with her mom showing up and trying to keep us calm. try to work it out in the same roof and give each other space and time.

i'm scared, i don't want a divorce and i don't want to lose her. she is my love and my best friend.