I'm relatively new here and don't often get the chance to post but I've recently had a crisis situation and am looking for some support. I've got a wonderful therapist who is helping me through this but I'm curious if anyone else might have some advice for me.

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for three years now. We've both experienced past sexual (and in his case also physical) and emotional abuse. Our relationship was and generally is very loving and satisfactory but we have been through some rough patches when I told him that I have been raped as an adult and sexually abused as a child. There was a period of time when he blamed me for my rape, started fights about it, etc. This was about two years ago. These fights would often happen drunk and would end with one of us verbally or physically abusing one another. I had a talk with him about the fights and we agreed to a few ground rules, as in no hitting or verbal abuse and no fighting while drinking. It went well for a year but now I'm seeing the patterns return.

I have gotten help and am no longer engaging in these types of fights but recently my partner has not respected my personal space or desire to be alone when I feel like fights are getting heated. This culminated in one incident where he was drunk and tried to prevent me from leaving the house by grabbing my arms. I wasn't hurt but there are bruises and I don't know how to deal with this issue. I'm frankly scared to bring it up because I was abusive physically as well in the past but I have gotten help and have stopped any abusive behavior.

I also just want to know where I should draw the line. Should I talk to him? He was drunk at the time and has not acknowledged putting his hands on me and I don't know if I should mention it. What kinds of precautions and boundaries should I set for us and for myself? I don't want to leave and the relationship has gotten much better (i.e. no abusive issues for over a year up till now). He doesn't want to seek therapy individually or as a couple so what else can I do? I also just get the feeling that he really doesn't understand how big a deal this is for me considering how much worse things have been in the past.

Thank you.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not remember the legal term for what he did when he prevented you from leaving the house, but you should understand that you are dealing with a criminal.

[RomanSunburn]

The only thing you can do in this situation is take care of yourself. I know you love your fiance, but you are still your number one priority. I'm glad you're in therapy for yourself. I'd be interested in your therapist's take on all of this...

It worries me that he isn't interested in seeking therapy for himself or for you as a couple. To me, that would make or break it. To me, it says that he doesn't see this as a big enough problem to warrant help, or isn't even a problem at all. I'm sorry I can't offer any more solid advice.

Do everything you can to keep yourself safe. Don't let yourself fall into thinking that you deserve what you get, or that this isn't that bad because things have been so much worse. Which is worse is a moot point. You shouldn't have to put up with it, period.

[NoCake]

He crossed the line when he grabbed you.

[edit]: I missed the part where he blamed you for the rape. Looks like he crossed long ago... That's emotional abuse.

Thanks so much to all of you guys for the confirmation... me and my fiance have been working through such hard times and it feels really good to know I can come here for support. My therapist basically said the same stuff as you RomanSunburn and we worked out a safety plan for if things escalate again like that. There's a place called project safe that I can go to if I have to and my family knows the situation and says I can live with them for a while if I need to.

I've been talking with my fiance about it this week and he's been nothing but remorseful. I haven't mentioned the thing about him grabbing me yet and I don't know if he remembers or if he was too drunk. I don't know if I should say anything, I just don't want to start another fight and I'm not sure if there's a point in mentioning it. It's been a few days and I think he's slowly starting to grasp how bad the situation was. He actually agreed to go to therapy which is the most shocking and relieving thing I can think of. We also agreed that if one of us ever calls a time out during a fight we'll leave each other alone. We've had rules like this in the past and he didn't respect them but maybe with the therapy and/or me refusing to put up with this kind of behavior from here on it'll work this time. I guess this is the last chance I'm giving him and I feel a lot more hopeful now that he's willing to get help. But anyway... wish me luck and thank you for your support!

[Bill3]

The problems you mention occur when he is drunk.

Perhaps he should curtail or stop drinking.

He actually came to the conclusion that he needed to stop drinking and poured all the alcohol down the sink a couple days ago. He said he's really interested in therapy but still hasn't gotten around to calling anyone about it. Not sure how much I should push him on that one (don't want to be a nagging woman or anything) but the fact that he is at least serious about his sobriety makes me feel so much better. I'm keeping my fingers crossed this lasts and there won't be any further incidents. I really think his alcohol use has got out of hand and maybe this will fix at least part of the problems.

He doesn't blame me anymore and has shown nothing but remorse for that, I'm just scared of those patterns of thought and behavior coming back again. I can't go through that again. At first I thought I deserved it but I know better now. I don't know... I told myself if he ever hit me, called me a slut or a *****, etc I would leave and I don't know if I should have left then. I guess I'm staying for now since he's sober and on his way to therapy but I hope I'm doing the right thing.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not remember the legal term for what he did when he prevented you from leaving the house, but you should understand that you are dealing with a criminal.

It could be illegal imprisonment with the possibility of a misdemeanor or a felony
charge.FYI

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not remember the legal term for what he did when he prevented you from leaving the house, but you should understand that you are dealing with a criminal.

That act would considered unlawful illegal imprisonment with misdemeanour or felony charges.

[krisakira]

I strongly suggest calling a local Women's shelter. You can research them online, based on where you live.

Originally Posted by krisakira

I strongly suggest calling a local Women's shelter. You can research them online, based on where you live.

I worked out a safety plan with my therapist and she gave me the number for the women's shelter here in case I need it. My family is also being extremely supportive and I know I can go to them if I ever need to get away. I ended up staying with them over the weekend that this fight happened.

Originally Posted by optimize990h

It could be illegal imprisonment with the possibility of a misdemeanor or a felony
charge.FYI

I don't want to press charges or anything (and I doubt I'll have to or want to in the future hopefully) but it's good to know.

[bebop]

I am a survivor of spousal abuse. I can tell you from all the women I have ever talked to about this is it will never stop. I had to finally leave. This was 2 marriages I left due to abuse. It won't stop hon.