[vickieh69]

Spouse has a passion (probably an obsession) with a very specific outdoor activity. He spends approximately 10 hours of his non working days (4) and 2 hours on working days (3) on his computer. Mainly at an on-line forum for his passion. While I think its great that he has a passion....he does not share it with me. We no doubt have communication issues of which I have tried to engage him in assessing our needs 8 months ago. I have not nagged. Just have simply stated to him how I am feeling and what I like and I have asked him to take a few on-line relationship assessments. No response.

I came to the end of my rope 5 months ago when I stated "wow, it's taking you along time to craft that email." He responded that "Sally" asked him a question. Immediately all kinds of red flags came into my mind. Later that eve I asked him how long had he been privately communicating with "Sally" and what the context of their communications were? After he had me repeat the question, he reported that that was the only one. I inquired again and he said well she asked me another question one other time. He then proceeded to open his email account and told me to look. I found multiple correspondence between the two all discussing this outdoor activity. "Sally" was very descriptive in hers giving intimate details how it made her feel and questioning my spouse if he was the one responsible for the beautiful landscaping. My spouses response was platonic in nature with the exception of flirtatious smilies and of course a question to her. He did however send a picture of himself napping in the exact same spot she had so intimately described. "Sally" also asked him about going to a certain area during the winter months. The certain area is one of his favorites and that she could have garnered from the on-line public forum. It is clear from her questions that she has never participated in the winter events and it appeared she was trying to entice him to take her. My take away from the above and multiple emotional injuries has led me to not believe my spouse. He is aware of my stance.

Often times when my spouse posts on this on-line forum she immediately follows with a post. Recently my spouse posted a book review on this on-line forum and "Sally's" response was "looks like a good book to add to my library." "Are you a book in hand kinda guy or a kindle?" I had had it with this post. I responded "Does it really matter how the book was read in the context of a review?" "If you want to know peoples preferences start a new thread directed at all the forum members not just directed at the person who started the thread."

Over my lifetime, I have had 3 major events that have broken my trust in people. I am constantly questioning myself if I am overreacting because of my past experiences?

I feel she is fishing and trying to engage him in a more intimate relationship. I believe that they have had more private communications that I am not aware of.

I am struggling with trusting him now. To me he crossed the line when he sent the picture and by keeping the conversations going by always having a question back. I get anxiety whenever he is on his computer. I have only had maybe a total of 7 nights of 6 or more hours of sleep.

These past 5 months I have been going through personnel hell everyday. I had told him 4 months ago I was done unless we get counseling. Again no investment on his part. I have told him to leave....he would not. He said that it is all me because of my past issues. Regardless of my trust issues we have a communication problem. Finally, 2 weeks ago he said make an appointment and has started to show some additional investment in our relationship. Tomorrow is our first appointment.

Not sure how it will go.....but I can tell you I am hanging by a thread and not holding my breath.

[sullida2]

Hello... I would have to say that I your past relationship experiences have most likely made you more sensitive to relationships your partner is having. That being said it is hard to tell if his relationship with "Sally" has crossed a line. It does appear to possibly be heading in that direction by your description if it has not already gone there. Although at this point I think is unlikely that he sees it as anything other than sharing a common passion with someone. He does not seem to be hiding anything from you which I would say is a good sign.

I think the big win here is that he is making an effort though counseling! I hope though counseling you two will be able to understand how this other relationship is effecting your own, open up and communicate effectively. Communication is key.

I wish you well and hope everything works out. I think you are on the right path.

I too feel that trusting my husband is hard to do. He has a past and I now clearly see that We have been together for eleven years and I can read him like a book,literally. Lately he is always late from work about an hour, or he has to do something before he comes home. I also found an Espresso place call "Twin Perk's" where he stops for coffee before work and I believe he has met one of the Baristas(they wear bikini's and are young women ) I don't have a problem with him looking at and talking to them, it's when he touches them that I then have a problem. He is almost sixty five and has an ego. It's heartbreaking to know these things continue to happen, it's liberating to be able to figure it out. They will do what they want to do regardless of how their Wife feels about it. I'm not holding my breath either. My trust issues to him are delusion. He is the one who is Narcissistic and chooses to be self centered. He also has high blood pressure and checks it all of the time. It does catch up to a person i think. who knows.
warm thoughts

[AzureRain]

Look up Internet addictions and trust your gut.

[vickieh69]

Thanks for the feedback and support. I am a very intuitive person. I am a RN and I feel I have excellent observational skills, as well as, I am sensitive to peoples feelings. Combined that with my past trust issues and it equals a cynical person

I have experienced "gut" feelings 2x's before that turned out to be very accurate. With this situation I do have a gut feeling that there was/is inappropriate communication occurring. I believe I may have caught it early enough. I was slower the first time around and in reality I had been at the "whatever" stage for over 13 years. I refuse to get to that stage again and to remain in a loveless marriage again.

I do feel that we are very compatible and that we have had a lot of stressors early in our relationship to deal with that has contributed to us getting off track. I just hope that this will not be another "band aid" over the wounds created as I cannot/will not take any more insults.