[bgill13]

So 17 years old I met these 21 year old twins at a wedding and my cousin is dating one of them. After the party, the twin who is added me on facebook and we started talking for a few months. And we started liking each other but I kept telling him we should just stay as friends. But eventually I started liking him more and we ended coupling up on valentines day. Btw, I'm living in Malaysia and he is from here but he is studying medicine in Russia. So he was back for the holidays during February which is when I got to really hang out with him and when he asked me out and I said yes! So now we are gf and bf and he has gone back to Russia to continue his studies, yesterday. I told my mom that I like him (but I didn't say we are in a relationship) and she told me to stop messaging him before I get stuck and things get worse. And I asked her why and she said she has seen him a couple times and she doesn't like him and his twin brother is dating my cousin and my cousin's family are the biggest gossipers and they will say stuff like I always go out with guys and I am spoiled. This guy really likes me and he is super serious in our relationship and I really like him too but I'm not as serious but I still want to continue our relationship and see where it takes us. But now my mom is telling me to stop now even though she doesn't know what is actually going on. I have no idea what to do !! Should I continue messaging him behind my mom's back or should I just break up with him?

[Perna]

I would back off some; still message him and all but not consider him my exclusive boyfriend or anything since he's away. I'd talk to other guys if you get a chance, see him when he's around but date other guys when he's not and not expect him to not date in Russia if opportunities come his way and he's interested. I think it's awfully early and awkward, because of the distance, to be trying to make something permanent. There's too many possibilities to settle when you are only 17. I met my husband when I was 34, married him when I was 39.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bgill13

Should I continue messaging him behind my mom's back or should I just break up with him?

You have two completely independent issues. One, your relationship with one of the twin boys. For that, follow Perna's advice - do message, Skype, email, or use any other mode of communication currently available to you for relating, but do not treat it as exclusive on either end. Two, your relationship with your mother. Do you live with your mother in one household?

[hamster-bamster]

Also, are you an expat American living in Malaysia or are you Malaysian/Chinese?

[angyl_amal]

Speaking from personal experience, I highly recommend that you take into consideration the possibility of it not working out because of the distance factor. I don't know how long this guy is studying in Russia, but I'd say wait until those studies are finished and he's actually there with you on a regular basis before the both of you are absolutely certain that you want to continue on. If you give everything and expect it to work out and something happens to make it go down the tubes.....trust me, the feeling is absolutely devastating. It's wise to stick to your original idea of staying as friends for a while first. In the meantime, the two of you can continue to talk to each other, get to know each other a lot better, and when he is finished in Russia, if you both are still close and still want to be in a committed relationship, that would be the best time to start it rather than right now.

I know it's easier said than done to wait and I'm sure being told to wait or whatever are not words that you want to hear, I hate it too, but I've had this experience and, while my situation was different from yours, it's still just as hard, just as painful, and if, God forbid, the relationship ends and it's not by your choice, it's a deep wound that takes a long time to heal from.

For now, play it safe and take care of yourself. You have plenty of time and if it all works out in the end, it will be that much more rewarding.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You have two completely independent issues. One, your relationship with one of the twin boys. For that, follow Perna's advice - do message, Skype, email, or use any other mode of communication currently available to you for relating, but do not treat it as exclusive on either end. Two, your relationship with your mother. Do you live with your mother in one household?

And, while issue ONE is simple and straightforward and has been already covered by both Perna and Angyl_amal pretty much exhaustively, issue TWO is complex. It is called "SEPARATION AND INDIVIDUATION from parents". Issue two can be discussed in much detail, with a lot of various opinions on the topic that represent different possible takes on it.

[bgill13]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would back off some; still message him and all but not consider him my exclusive boyfriend or anything since he's away. I'd talk to other guys if you get a chance, see him when he's around but date other guys when he's not and not expect him to not date in Russia if opportunities come his way and he's interested. I think it's awfully early and awkward, because of the distance, to be trying to make something permanent. There's too many possibilities to settle when you are only 17. I met my husband when I was 34, married him when I was 39.

Thank you for the advice Perna! For now I will back off a bit and I am still messaging him and all but I don't feel like I need to make a commitment to him to be together forever. And in my mind, once I go off to study I will be looking for other guys because I am only 17 so I shouldn't be confined to just one especially when he is this far away. The problem is, is that he is very serious about our relationship. He has told me and my cousin and his brother that I am the last one and he has repeatedly said he wants to be together forever and he gets this feeling that we will be together forever. I am trying to explain what you said to me to him, but he is still stuck on being together forever with me. :/

[bgill13]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You have two completely independent issues. One, your relationship with one of the twin boys. For that, follow Perna's advice - do message, Skype, email, or use any other mode of communication currently available to you for relating, but do not treat it as exclusive on either end. Two, your relationship with your mother. Do you live with your mother in one household?

Thank you for the advice! I will continue talking to him but I am not considering him my final one. However in his mind, he thinks I am the final one and he has told me and my cousin and his brother repeatedly that he wants to be with me forever and I am the final one. He is very serious about our relationship. :/ Yes I do live with my mom for now but I am going to study in US in August. I am from America but my parents are settling down in Malaysia.

[bgill13]

Originally Posted by angyl_amal

Speaking from personal experience, I highly recommend that you take into consideration the possibility of it not working out because of the distance factor. I don't know how long this guy is studying in Russia, but I'd say wait until those studies are finished and he's actually there with you on a regular basis before the both of you are absolutely certain that you want to continue on. If you give everything and expect it to work out and something happens to make it go down the tubes.....trust me, the feeling is absolutely devastating. It's wise to stick to your original idea of staying as friends for a while first. In the meantime, the two of you can continue to talk to each other, get to know each other a lot better, and when he is finished in Russia, if you both are still close and still want to be in a committed relationship, that would be the best time to start it rather than right now.

I know it's easier said than done to wait and I'm sure being told to wait or whatever are not words that you want to hear, I hate it too, but I've had this experience and, while my situation was different from yours, it's still just as hard, just as painful, and if, God forbid, the relationship ends and it's not by your choice, it's a deep wound that takes a long time to heal from.

For now, play it safe and take care of yourself. You have plenty of time and if it all works out in the end, it will be that much more rewarding.

Thank you for the advice! I am not considering him my final one because of the distance and such and who knows what is going to happen in the future. But the problem is, is that he is very serious in this relationship. He has told me and my cousin and his brother that I am the final one and he has told me he has never felt this way toward any girl and he wants to be together forever. Which is kind of intimidating for a 17 year old.

[hamster-bamster]

Definitely intimidating.

Good news: your going to study in US resolves the issue of your messaging him behiind your mother's back. Being on two different continents removes some of the problems altogether.

He really is very serious. If he is communicating his intentions worldwide, or, at least to the relatives, he is dead serious.

I am afraid that at some point you will just need to be blunt with him.