[lady1158]

I've been with my boyfriend for about five months now, and we were friends before that. We both love each other even though it's only been a short time. The problem is, we keep going in this vicious circle of breaking up and getting back together. We are currently on one of our breaks right now, and I don't know if I should take him back or not. He treats me like an angel most of the time, but the other times he can be angry or hard to deal with. What should I do?

[hamster-bamster]

What triggers changes in his attitude? Have you been able to observe a pattern?

[Leed]

What is it that makes him so angry? Is he abusive? Has he ever hurt you?

Tell us more about these "angry" episodes.

[lady1158]

My boyfriend has never laid a finger on me in anger and I've never been afraid that he would. I can't really say what triggers his angry moods, but he was in a car accident that puts him in constant pain now and I think that must be a part of it. If something doesn't go his way he might get angry because he's been annoyed all day with his back pain.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lady1158

My boyfriend has never laid a finger on me in anger and I've never been afraid that he would. I can't really say what triggers his angry moods, but he was in a car accident that puts him in constant pain now and I think that must be a part of it. If something doesn't go his way he might get angry because he's been annoyed all day with his back pain.

That is understandable. People in constant pain are much more easily upset than people who do not experience pain, in general. Pain is horrible.

Now, that does not help answer your question, does it?..

What is it that makes you break up? Is it following a big row? Or something else? If it were me, I would see if it is possible for you both to sit down, and see if there are ways of communicating better with each other, and trying to discuss things when you are both calm. If you are splitting up after a row, make a pact to say that instead of splitting up, have yourselves a day to calm down, and then get back together and try and talk things through. Then at least you are both acting and not reacting, if you know what I mean and trying to stop this destructive cycle.

I agree, pain is dreadful. I have a lot of pain, and its tough. Sometimes things, even little things can get on top of me on a bad day, but I do not take it out on my boyfriend, nor do I split up with him. Pain is not his fault, no way, but he needs to find a way to handle it better. Perhaps therapy may help?

Nobody can tell you what to do with regard to getting back together. But if I were in your shoes, I'd try one more time if you can, but try a fresh approach. Its wonderful that you both love each other, and who knows, with a bit of work from you both, that you can have a fab, long term relationship?

Good luck, and be happy

[Rose76]

I think you may want to ask yourself if this is a relationship that you really want to commit your life to. A part of you may not want to, and that part needs to be listened to. If he has chronic pain at this point in his life, what are the prospects for him ever not having chronic pain? Chronic pain gets worse with age, generally. That could lead to him being chronically irritable. If the anger episodes are bad enough to make you actually break up with him, then that's a sign of something important. Everyone gets irritable with anyone that they spend a lot of time around. We tend to show our irritability to those whose love we trust. Are you expecting too much, or is it something else? The "something else" could be that you are hoping that the splits will lead to him changing . . . or he is hoping the splits will show you that he will not change. Usually, I think it's safest to assume that people won't change . . . not very much. Another "something else" could be that you don't really want this for the rest of your life.

I'll bet you both do love each other. That is what makes it so hard. It is very hard - in this lonely world - to let go of sure love for an uncertain future. We tend to fear that there won't be another real "love." Love, alone, really is not enough for a relationship to work. That's very hard to accept . . . especially in our romantic Western culture. We think that "Love overcomes all." It doesn't . . . oftentimes.

Imagine how it will be when you might have little screamin' kids to take care of and his irritability to deal with on top of that. Can you imagine yourself maybe feeling trapped? What you're seeing now is probably him at his best. We have little warning voices inside us that we tend to not listen to. Have a good heart to heart talk with your own little inner voice.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think you may want to ask yourself if this is a relationship that you really want to commit your life to. A part of you may not want to, and that part needs to be listened to. If he has chronic pain at this point in his life, what are the prospects for him ever not having chronic pain? Chronic pain gets worse with age, generally.

that is a very important point.

given that the pain is due to the accident, is there hope that it would go away with time?

[lady1158]

Our break ups are always after big fights. I don't know why we keep doing it, we both know that we're going to come running back. This time seems different though. We're in one of our breaks right now and we've been talking about what we keep doing wrong and what we can change or how we can talk to each other. So I feel like if we get back together this time it may be better. But I also know that this break is tearing him apart, and he doesn't know if he should hold on to me or let me go. Everyone around us is telling us to stay away from each other because they think we can't work and it's really getting in our heads I know I'd be fine without him, I just don't think I could find another guy who loves me so much.

[hamster-bamster]

Although I am in general against couples counseling due to very bad personal experiences, in your particular case I would recommend it.