Severe relationship issues, please help!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 years. We have lived together for 10 years. Things were well in the beginning. We kind of grew apart in terms of our interests. I started studying yoga, and I also meanwhile developed and overcame an anxiety disorder.

I have worked hard on communication, and myself. Obviously, I have not worked hard enough because very recently, serious trouble arose. I am writing here on this board for support.

My boyfriend works over 45 hours a week, and has to drive approximately 40 miles each way to work, and has chosen to take 17 units this semester. He also never says no to anyone. He doesn't speak his needs. I know he isn't fully to blame, and I will explain what happened.

I am truly hoping for sympathy on my end because of what has happened to me. My boyfriend and I never communicate. I try very hard. I feel, unfortunately, very lonely, and have fallen to the end of his list.

One night I ended pushing him too far. I felt really sad and upset. I threatened to tear up an old photo of us from a time when we were very happy. He got very upset with me. We wrestled for the photo, and he ended up pushing me so hard onto the bed, that I got a concussion, and I landed in the hospital. I did not report him because part of me feels like I am to blame.

Some of the problems that led up to this was relationship scorekeeping. I didn't realize that even though he always said yes, he also was keeping score, and had growing resentment for me.

I hope I am making sense, but my head is hurting from the concussion. I feel like I deserved it for instigating like I did, but no action was taking place in our relationship. We hadn't been talking.

I am still living in the apartment with him. He has acted nice, but has not acknowledged the accident much.

What support can you provide me, please? Thank you!

Try not to blame yourself. Sounds like you're both frustrated and he's exhausted. You both need to find some way of reconnecting. Maybe schedule an hour or so to go to a coffee shop together once a week until he has more time.

With him being so busy I think he's reacting. I got very snappy to those around me when I had to work long hrs.

Im sorry you're going thru this. Big s. Our thoughts are with you

It's not okay that he pushed you and you got a concussion. It is not your fault that he chose to be so aggressive. I'm' so sorry that you feel bad and seem to think the abuse was justified. If you bring it up that you want to have more communication and that your head hurt's because of what happened, I think it would be liberating for you. He would acknowledge it then and get the conversation going. Maybe he doesn't know how to start talking about it.What if he get's aggressive again? He pushed you hard obviously, you have a concussion. That does not happen if someone just "pushes", does that make sense?
warm thoughts to you, keep posting I'm encouraged that you are writing about this.

You should make sure to keep yourself safe. No one deserves to be harmed. Maybe it was a one time thing and emotions for out of control. Make sure you have a safety plan incase it wasn't. A friend or family member you can stay with if things get out of hand.

I was in a very similar situation a couple years ago. I was working and going to school full time. Part of it was that I wanted to finish my degree and another part was I was trying to avoid dealing with my depression. I was shutting down and isolating myself and then trying my best to keep myself busy. Has your be thought about therapy or someone to talk to? Sometimes our significant others are hard to talk to about deal issues. It took me 8 years to talk to my wife about depression, but no I fear it is to late to fix my releationship. Talking is the first step I think. Try to have a calm open discussion. Maybe write some things down to talk about since it can be difficult to remember when things get emotional. I hope you can work things out.

It is worrisome to me that your head is still hurting. How long ago was the concussion? Are you under a doctor's care?

I agree with Bill. A concussion can have consequences. It is very nice of you to reflect. On the relationship and seek support in that regard, but that should not be your priority. Your priority now is to make sure that you emerge from the incident intact. You probably need a specialist - a neurologist - and not just a GP.

I don't know how long ago this happened, but your head should not still hurt. If this happened LAST NIGHT, then maybe so =-= but if this happened several days ago, NO.

Call your doctor or go to the Emergency room. You should be seen by a Neurologist.

As for the act of pushing itself, he didn't give you just a "push" -- he SHOVED you and shoved you HARD. This was an act of aggression and anger, and it is considered abuse! What if he gets angry again? What is he going to do next time? Hit you over the head with a hammer?

You did NOT deserve this, and I don't care what happened beforehand. No one has the RIGHT to put their hands on anyone else. Okay?

You two have got to learn how to communicate. If this relationship (?) is going to survive, perhaps you should get some counseling. And he should see about anger management. Being overly tired is NO EXCUSE.

I wish you the very best. Remember - your SAFETY comes first! Hugs, Lee

Just a hint for the concussion (I currently have one)...Only take Tylenol if you need a pain med, try to get a lot of sleep if your body needs it (headache, light sensitivity, other symptoms will let you know this), and also try to limit time with screens...yes. I am a hypocrite...I also saw my doctor to get a CT scan to see if everything came out okay...let me know if you have questions if you want. Wishing you well...

JDA

You are making sense, to the extent that your post clearly demonstrates intact cognitive function, and that is good news.

My late grandfather suffered a concussion during WWII and he had lifelong consequences.

Men are to some degree interchangeable. Brains are not. It is not too difficult to get another bf, but you cannot get another brain. Sure, you are invested in your r/s after all those years, etc., but still, relationships are optional - you do not have to be in one. Health is not optional. So you should be solely worried about treating the concussion, going to the ER if necessary as Leed advised, and not at all concerned with who is to blame. You can think about theoretical issues later, after you exit your current health crisis successfully. You should be in crisis mode now and only attend to issues that are on fire.

Have you told your boyfriend that you feel unhappy and neglected? It is not your fault he pushed you. It seems like you were trying to get his attention by threatening to rip of the picture of the two of you from a time when you were happy. My advice is to try talking to him in simple language that states how you are feeling and what you want from him. If he doesn't respond you have to decide what you want for yourself. Good luck, sorry you are having problems.

Your guy sounds rather like he's behaving rather passive aggressively. I think you should consider that, for a moment. The fact that he doesn't talk and doesn't express his needs could be a form of aggression. He is acting aggressively and wrestling with you. He doesn't know how to communicate with words, so he uses physicality instead. That can be very dangerous. Please keep yourself safe!

I can certainly sympathize with your feelings of loneliness in the relationship. It takes two people to communicate, and if one person doesn't want to communicate, even the most herculean efforts on the part of the other party will end in failure. There is no benefit in blaming yourself.

If you feel responsible for something going amiss in the relationship, then perhaps you should communicate that to your boyfriend. Maybe you shouldn't have threatened to rip up the picture that is clearly dear to him. However, that is no reason for you to have been pushed! There seems to be a lack of emotional maturity, here.

I'm concerned that you want to protect your boyfriend from harm that may come to him from his pushing you. He could take that as an invitation to mistreat you further. Often people will treat others as poorly as they can get away with.

Take care of yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself. What he did wasn't right, no matter if you played any part in it or not!

Im almost married 1 yr and I cant even tell you anything ive accomplished in this 1 yr I have been in 1 fog after another most days I think this is my last day with Him or my last day living I cant stand all the confusion I have in my head it make me feel like screaming most days My husband talks to me but most times His lips are moving and i dont get anything coming out of His mouth I just nod I understand your frustration because im right there with ya

Thank you everyone for writing me so many wonderful and supportive responses to my question. I haven't been able to respond because it has taken a while to get better from the concussion. I haven't had as much focus and energy as I would like.

My boyfriend is completely quiet about it, and he seems bothered by the fact that I am getting headaches. It is like he doesn't want to hear about them. I think he is dealing with his shame by finding ways to justify what happened. He says it was an accident, or he says that I initiated it.

I believe that the emotional pain of how it happened is a lot more painful to me than almost the physical pain of the concussion. I will write more, and I appreciate all of the support!

Do yourself a huge favor and learn about the cycle of abuse as you WALK OUT THE DOOR.

You cannot, repeat cannot, initiate any violence against you. It is always, always, always the perpetrator's fault.

His "emotional pain" is undoutedly real ... for now. He'll feel bad for a while, say it will never happen again, and be on his best behavior. Little gifts, flowers, putting you first (which is all that you wanted anyway).... But the giveaway that it will happen again is in your quote, he says I initiated it. This means he is not taking responsibility for his actions.

It WILL happen again. Maybe worse because he had no negative consequences from this. You didn't tell anyone b/c you didn't want him to get in trouble. You are putting yourself in grave danger - physically and psychologically. He will ruin your self esteem and eventually make you believe that you are worthless without him. He'll control everything you do and you'll just stand back and wonder how your life got so bad.

It doesn't have to be that way, but you need to take the initiative and get out now. This is not a relationship you should be working to save.


Been there...
Bub

Sister site Neurotalk forum Traumatic Brain Injury Concussion/PCS