[estel]

So, in very short...my ex girlfriend's parents do not approve of me because I do not belong to their religion. But they aren't worried about theology as much as being "dishonored" among their friends because their daughter married someone outside of religion.
My ex...she is a liberal, open-minded person. But she broke up with me for the first time in 2006 because of this. Then she came back in 2010 but has broken up many times since then. She also displays all signs of Borderline personality.
Besides that, she just can't make herself go against her parents because she knows her father will never talk to her if she did this. She calls them wrong, she is bitter, it kills her...but she cannot take that step to go against her family.
Now she is looking around to find someone else who will be amenable to her daddy?
Her core knows its wrong. My core knows its wrong. Yet I just can't comprehend why would someone give in to fear, emotional blackmail and threats to maintain an abuse and dysfunctional relationship because "they are my parents."
Anyone ever experienced anything like this?

ps - she is a 28 year old dentist with an extremely good income and i am a 27 year old PhD student. so we aren't kids and we aren't financially dependent on anyone. and it pisses me off because so many times in the last couple of years she had made explicit promise not to break up for this reason...she has said it is her life...parents won't be around forever...and in the end she has to spend her life with the man, not her family. yet at the last instance when its time to do something, she backs away. she even said if i proposed to her she will say yes. i did...i went to her home, she told her dad i make her happy, he replied then go away with him.....but she went back indoors with her dad...leaving me again with a ring in my hand. i know...when i type out everything everyone must be wondering, "why the hell is he with her".
she is mentally ill. she has been going back and forth about seeing a psych for years but never stuck to it. she has been sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by the same family/relatives whom she cannot seem to leave.

[LovelaceF]

It's quite common for people to choose family and culture over love. Depending on one's culture, marrying for love would be abnormal.

However, from your description it sounds like there is much more going on with your ex. Are you trying to get back together with her currently?

[shortandcute]

Well, I married my first husband because of my oldest sister and her husband, who were my legal guardians at the time. He was very abusive to me and they knew it. However, they would not allow me to break up with him because he was the one who would buy me clothes, shampoo, etc, and they didn't want to have to do it. I tried getting a job but they made me quit because they thought people would think badly of them if I worked. I tried several times to break up with him but then he would get violent, and then I'd hear a bunch of crap about how "mean" I was to him, and if I just didn't "bark at him like a dog" then he wouldn't hit me. They even tried to force me to marry him when I was underage because they couldn't stand having me in the house, but people kept talking them out of it (thank God), and I refused to anyway.
Every time I tried to talk to them about the abuse, they would just say things like, "Oh, that's just the devil trying to break you up because he knows God wants you to be together." But finally one day, I told them that I could not marry him and they told me that God told them that I had to. Like a dummy I believed it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by estel

ps - she is a 28 year old dentist with an extremely good income and i am a 27 year old PhD student. so we aren't kids and we aren't financially dependent on anyone.

I have known Indian software engineers with very good income, employed in tech companies in Silicon Valley after having obtained their PhDs from US educational institutions, yet staying in affection-free marriages arranged in India by their parents.

Do not know how to help you; do know that it DOES happen, and neither the income level nor the education level makes any difference. Too bad.

[hamster-bamster]

I can tell you the following true story.

My older cousin, a Russian woman, was in her PhD program in Ithaca, NY.

She had an Indian bf.

The bf would not make the r/s public. E.g. he would cook meals for her inside his apartment and not eat on the patio - yes, to THAT extent.

After he finished his program, he got an offer to teach at a Business School somewhere in Colorado. He accepted the offer.

He was very happy to be with my cousin, but still, right before it was time to relocate to Colorado, he broke up with her, went to India, and married a woman designated by his parents. He had not known her before.

So education, income, etc. etc. just do not matter. They do not make a difference sometimes.

My cousin was pretty heartbroken, but eventually had more bfs, then got married, then got divorced, and finally settled with her second husband with whom she had a son. So in the end she did fine.

[estel]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

Oh I mentioned age and education to clarify that we are not teenagers. Usually one hears stories like this from teenagers, not from someone who will soon be 29 and is financially independent.

I am just venting because it is one thing not to be able to go against parents' wishes, but it is completely different to break up for that reason, come back after 4 years...make so many promises and keep doing it (and I allowed her to do it to me...)

We are both south asians (indian and pakistani)...but both of us have grown up here. she came at age 12 and i came at age 15. I know the culture and I accepted it back in 2006 when she broke up. But what she did over the last 2.5 years...I have not been able to get over it...and the way she has put the entire blame on me for us not being together (oh, the blames vary every single time...she can't stick to one blame because she knows none of them are true).

I do feel sorry for her too. Not only is she dealing with borderline personality disorder, she also has to deal with such an abusive family.

I have to keep telling myself that she is not my responsibility. I gave my absolute best over the years. I proposed to her. I was available by her side day and night. I gave her information to get treatment. I did all I could. Just have to keep repeating to myself, even if she is mentally ill...she has the responsibility to go get help. And she knows she does...just too stubborn to go get help.

Thanks for the replies all of you!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by estel

and the way she has put the entire blame on me for us not being together (oh, the blames vary every single time...she can't stick to one blame because she knows none of them are true).

Oh, that is a completely different story and one that is way worse than the story in your OP.

It is one thing to say "I am a poor creature beholden to the oppressive religion/tradition so I cannot marry you even though you have given me your absolute best." That would be a passive position. Pitiful, but passive.

It is a different thing to blame everything on YOU. That would be an aggressive, attacking position.

Night and day.

[Perna]

I was in therapy for 30 years because of the first 10 years of my life. I don't find it odd that your ex-girlfriend cannot give up what she has known as family for 28 years to take a chance on someone she hasn't known for 28 years. I complained to my therapist once about my husband's habits and her reply was, "How long have you known him?. . .And how long did his mother/ex-wife know him?" She can't just "turn it off", that's 28 years of her life and you're asking her to do/be something completely different?

I was 39 when I married and changed my last name to my husband's just because my STEPMOTHER expected me to (not even a blood relative :-)

[estel]

haha yes, I believe the aggressive blames comes from her borderline behavior. too many times i have doubted myself that maybe she can't be with me because of her parents. yet after over a year of research and knowing her every single behavior i am convinced she has BPD. heck, when she took the BPD diagnosis quiz last summer she scored "severe BPD". truth is probably a combination of both...parents (who are abusive towards her) and BPD.

her excuses have been I abandoned her, my mother didn't treat as a daughter-in-law, i am not educated enough nor earn enough, i only wanted to be in her pants, i never showed commitment, i didn't propose to her, i didn't respect her father by giving in to his demands, and lastly few weeks back she said "i didn't see love or feelings or compassion from you. but i will cherish our lovely memories".

so much for being by her side 24/7 and taking care of her whenever she has needed me, been suicidal, as a escape from her parents.
i have read so much about BPD and so worried about her future and what she is doing with her life right now.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by estel

truth is probably a combination of both...parents (who are abusive towards her) and BPD.

BPD usually stems from having abusive parents. So it is not a combination of two independent factors, not quite.

Originally Posted by estel

her excuses have been ... my mother didn't treat as a daughter-in-law,

That is very interesting. So she does not want to marry you yet wants your mother to treat her as a daughter-in-law??

[estel]

I agree Perna, she cannot turn off 28 yrs of knowing them vs 12 yrs of knowing me. The issue is, she has been sexually abused by her relatives. Her parents have kept it quiet to protect "honor". That led to more sexual abuses. She has been physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her parents and siblings. She is miserable at home. She wants to escape. Yet she is mortally scared of them "not talking" to her. It is hard for me to understand this.
Is being with that type of family worth it?

[estel]

As much she wants to get out, she wants one thing more - not to be alone. Her words have been "i am already half crazy, if i live alone i will go fully crazy". So getting married is her ticket out of home. Except she wants her parents to be some part of her life. So marry someone they will approve of and she can visit home maybe twice a year vs marrying me and potentially losing them forever.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by estel

As much she wants to get out, she wants one thing more - not to be alone. Her words have been "i am already half crazy, if i live alone i will go fully crazy". So getting married is her ticket out of home. Except she wants her parents to be some part of her life. So marry someone they will approve of and she can visit home maybe twice a year vs marrying me and potentially losing them forever.

I understand. But you do not want to marry somebody who wants to marry because she wants to avoid going fully crazy. It is a better to marry a person who is reasonably happy to begin with.

[estel]

I believe that was the reason she came back 2.5 years back. But then the BPD behavior kicked in which took me over a year to realize. Her fears of abandonment (I will leave her...so she has to leave me first and stay in the security of home), emptiness, impulsivity and risky behavior, extreme rage, making me her guardian angel or her devil, mood swings, constant blames.
But in those roller coaster rides she has made promises couple of times - i will marry you because you are the man i love. my parent wont be around forever. i will be spending the life with the man i marry, not them.
yet at the decisive moments she has retreated and then blamed me for it. pretty much the whole story of last 2+ years.

[hamster-bamster]

It does sound so much like BPD, based on your description.

I do not think that the usual type of BPD people would keep their promises.

[estel]

Yes...
I have told her that too a few times...more like asked her. Am I your escape from your parents?
Thing is, back in college when she didnt exhibit BPD...i fully felt her love. When she came back and we went through the intense honeymoon period, i felt her extreme love. even till 45 days back I still did (whenever she would be nice to me).
Now I am full of doubts, how much of it was real and how much was BPD. I believe the love is real...but her running away and coming back is BPD.
Whether she will be back now is up in the air. And if she comes back, how will I deal with it.