[iMassiel]

Hello,
I was molested by my father when I was a child and my family was forced to continue to live with him. Now I am 21 and I continue to live with the same household, my mom is desperately seeking a way to divorce as civilly as possible to realistically be able to support my other three siblings. However, my main issue now is that I have been in a relationship with someone for a year. He does not know about this, most people do not know what happened. He has a history of anxiety and depression and I fear that telling him may do more harm then good. I feel he deserves to know. We have also abstained from sex so far and I fear that it would change once he knows or he might be very upset that he did not know sooner and take it as a lack of trust. I love him and we are considering getting married in the future. I considered speaking to his counselor about the matter but I fear it may jeopardize my family legally and it is not the best time to have a legal interaction. I am prepared for the worst and will understand if he does not want to continue a relationship although I highly doubt that will be his reaction; I mostly fear he will be very irate towards my parents and want to protect me. I just don't want to hurt him and use the best timing possible.

Sorry, it's a long post but thank you for reading.

[Leed]

Hi and I'm so glad you found us. You know, if you DON'T tell someone, the rest of your siblings are in DANGER of being molested by your father!! Who is going to protect THEM??? I know you don't want to publicly let this out, but your siblings are in danger and they need someone to protect them from this man. If he molested/raped you, who's to say he won't do it to the rest of the kids? If there is some way to do it, let some authority figure know what happened.

As for your fiance,' since you want an open relationship, just tell him. It won't make a difference if he loves you. If it changes things, then he wasn't very serious about the relationship, right? But I suppose he should know in case you have issues with sex or intimacy, etc. There could be some issues that you aren't completely aware of right now, Have you had any therapy? You might consider it, as anyone who has been raped/molested has probably got some unacknowledged anger/rage that needs taking care of.

I wish you the very best. Please let us know how you do and how things come out. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[estel]

My ex was sexually abused by her uncles for many years. I was the first person she told me. It took her another 5 years to tell her parents.
I think it is important to tell. I know most victims do not want to admit it. But I have to agreed with Leed on one thing, rarely is there an abuser who abuses only one person.
Once my ex came out with her story, it was discovered that her uncles had also abused her sister, tried to abuse her brother and mother. And who knows who else they might have abused in the last 20-30 years.
Also, if I am in a serious relationship, I do not want any secrets. Secrets always come out. Always. And it is better that our secrets come out from us...when we can control how it comes out, than having it come out from someone else or incidentally when we are not prepared to deal with it.
Also, what I saw from my ex was that her sexual abuse affected our sexual relationship. Too many times, way too many times...when she was mad at me or something she would say all I wanted to do was get in her pants. Deep down she had issues with physical intimacy. And it wouldn't come out while we were intimate but much afterwards.
Lastly and most importantly, I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. This topic kills me to my core. It enrages me and boils my blood how men can do this to children. Especially men who are related to those children. I wish the very best and mental peace and happiness.

Will he be irate towards your parents? Yes. I hate her uncles. Yes if he loves you he will want to protect you. My ex was also physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her parents for years...still is. Except...she broke up with me to stay with them because they do not approve of me. My question to you is, why would you want to defend your father who has done this to you? Sorry for my question...but to me family isn't blood....family is someone who will love us for who we are and be at our side through anything.
Good luck and all the best!

[adam_k]

I would reccomend therapy. You need to deal with what happened and a therapist can help you do that. What he did to you was wrong and it wasn't your fault. Your mother made it worse by forcing you to keep quiet about it. She is just as wrong as he is. I hope you learn how to heal from this. Telling you boyfriend is a decision that is up to you. I think people are entitled to secrets, but you should learn how to deal with what happened. Your be isn't an expert in mental health and telling him may not make you feel better. It can be q relief though, to know you have someone to talk to about it. I wish you luck in finding resolution from these events that happened.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by iMassiel

I considered speaking to his counselor about the matter but I fear it may jeopardize my family legally and it is not the best time to have a legal interaction.

Don't live in fear and amidst uncertainty - obtain information instead, to clarify the situation for you.

Call the counselor and say: "I am 21. I might be interested in talking with you in regards to my r/s with your patient XYZ. Do you have an obligation to report sexual abuse that occurred when I was a minor?"

[hamster-bamster]

If you are REALLY FEARFUL, then ask the boyfriend what sort of degree the T has and find out what board governs the activities of the T. Say, in California there is the Board of Psychology that governs the activities of PhD and PsyD psychologists and a completely different board that governs the activities of MFTs and LCSWs, and the Medical Board that regulates p-docs.

Then, contact the board with the question, preferably via an email to have a written record.

That would take considerably more time than asking the T directly because boards are, as a rule, understaffed.

[Harley47]

Hi Massiel.

LeeD, Hamster, Adam, and Estel gave you excellent advice. As far as you go, you should try to speak to your therapist about it as soon as you are able to get some information. Usually, there's a sort of barrier of confidentiality that the therapist has to legally respect, although that may vary state by state. Try looking for what the laws are in regards to your state and go from there.

As far as telling your fiance, please don't be afraid. If he does truly love you, I know he will understand. If I were you, I would broach the subject lightly...explain that you hadn't told him sooner out of difficulty to talk about, and that you've told precious few people (if any?) about the incident. That eliminates any potential of him being upset with you (which I don't think is going to happen, truly...I think most would understand how difficult a subject it is). I would, perhaps, expect righteous indignation...not at you, but I would expect him to be livid with your parents. I say that because I know I would be. In regards to that...I'm not, to be truthful, sure what to tell you. You would need to make him understand your perspective as to why he would need to...well, "relax" certainly isn't the word...but you don't want him up in arms towards your family, I suppose would be a way to word it? Forgive me...struggling to put my thoughts to language there.

But I think your assessment is generally correct...I would expect him to understand, and want to make sure you're safe. I don't think at all he'll be angry at you, not a bit. Perhaps concerned, and maybe a bit scared for your safety...but certainly not angry.

Please know you are in my prayers, and I wish the best to both of you.

Hugs,
Harley

[iMassiel]

Thank you all for your kind advice. I went to his counselor just to test the water. We've had several iissues with my mom being overprotective. I think what makes the situation complicated is that a few have known about this in my immediate family and we have been forced to continue like this despite knowing. I told my mom when I was 9 and since then, we've taken extreme precaution. When she first found out, she tried to proceed with a legal case but couldn't because I got last-minute fright of the doctor seeing my privates. She told my dad and he instead cornered her by saying he would kill the family and shortly after, she found a hidden gun also have a little brother that I love like my own child who is a result of the sexual abuse she had to undergo to keep us safe. I resented her for staying with him until i found out her side of the story months ago. It's because of this that I'm sacred of revealing anything to his counselor. I think my boyfriend would be very upset amd ask why I lived like this for so many years and he would hate my parents. If I tell all, it would be obvious ky family is in danger and that is something for his counselor to report.

I have convinced my mother to find a way to divorce. She has no means of supporting the family without my father so that is what she is currently trying to secure. My father is denial as to why we hate him. I have clearly told him the worst things you can tell a person. My home is a sort of battle ground (verbally) and my boyfriend already dislikes my father without even knowing the core of the issue.