[Confused26]

Ok so this is the first time I've done n e thing like this so here goes... Right well I met someone through work and after about a month of knowing each other we ended up sleeping together. He made it very clear from the start that he didn't want a relationship and that the second I started getting attached he would be gone.. Being recently divorced it was the attention and distraction I needed. At first it was fine he came over about twice a week and left in the Morning. After a while he began to take me to meet his family and friends and we spent more and more time doing things together. I confronted him and told him that I was getting attached and he said it would have to stop between us... But surprise surprise it didn't and as time went on we were acting like a couple just without the label.. After many emotional breakdowns and rants about how he could put someone through this he started becoming nicer saying that he had never known any different and has always run away from things when anything gets serious but he did try and confront his behaviour and eventually we came clean and told everyone we were together things have got better and better although now 8 months on he still won't tell me he loves me and states he doesn't know what love is...fair enough! Do any of us really know. But me being female and having an extreme problem with over thinking just as things start goin really well I start putting peices of a jigsaw puzzle in my head about the first three months of our none relationship/relationship set up and have pretty much realised that he was seeing someone else while acting like he was with me. The realisation of this made me feel stupid and hurt. And now I can't stop thinking about all the times we were acting like a couple and he was sleeping with some other women in between to me that just seems completely heartless. I guess what I'm trying to establish is... Considering he doesn't love me, doesn't get jealous at all in any way and doesn't seem bothered or even sorry about what he was doing to me and see's it as not wrong because he told me all along we weren't together and when he realised how upset I was he didn't make hardly any effort at all to make me feel better in fact when he met me tonight he said he was thinking about ending it but when I confronted him on it he said they were just thoughts and when I said so if I'd of ended it last night would u of even been bothered... His response was " you ain't goin anywhere don't worry about that" I'm just so confused and feel so stupid and unfortunately I do have strong feelings for him cuz if I didn't it wouldn't be tormenting me so much. So help me!! Am I being stupid thinking about the past when things were just starting to get better and better and the change in him now since the start is almost unrecognisable he has tried really hard. Oh someone give me some straight advise please cuz my head isn't even capable of thinking rationally at the moment.. Xxx

[Leed]

Sweetie, when he said "oh, you're not going anywhere" he was chiding you. He meant that your feelings are so strong for him, you don't have the guts to leave.

This guy is using you and you know it, and HE knows it. And he doesn't care. You need to leave him and find someone who will LOVE you like you DESERVE to be loved.

You need someone who will RESPECT you like you deserve to be respected. Right now, all you are is a romp in bed. There's NO respect there.

So take back your self-esteem and find someone else. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Why don't you try a self-imposed period of no contact? If he texts you, calls you, contacts you in any way, ignore him for...I don't know...a week? Two weeks? It's up to you really. Force him to see that you are serious.

I've been in a relationship before where we were both pretty clear that it was not to be that kind of relationship. No feelings involved. But they happened and it threw us both off. It sounds as though he might have even been the one that let feelings come into whatever it is that you can define your interactions as; introducing you to family, friends, etc.

You can stay in this situation if you feel it is mutually beneficial - you did say that you needed a distraction after your divorce. However, from what I can tell, your needs now reach beyond a simple distraction and this man will not be able to provide you with what you are looking for. Don't contact him. Ignore him. You don't owe him anything further - including an explanation for why you're ending things.

Strong feelings are tough to overcome, but they will be worse if you keep going back. Take it from one who knows...

[Confused26]

Thank u so much for ur feedback guys it is really appreciated :-) xxx

[Confused26]

Thanks so much guys for ur advice fully take everything u have said on bored really appreciate ur open straight forward advice xxx

[RomanSunburn]

I just wanted some clarifications on some things...

So, your relationship started out as a friends with benefits, and he had other friends with benefits at the same time. But then you started getting attached because he was bringing you around to family events and such. Then you tell him about your feelings and he says "Gotta go now" but then doesn't actually leave.

Now.. here's where I get confused. Did you guys have a long discussion and finally agree to be in a relationship? Do you still go to family functions with him, and does he introduce you as his girlfriend? Has he cut contact with all of his previous friends with benefits? You say he's made changes, what kind of changes has he made specifically? Can you pinpoint exactly what is bothering you? Is it that he was involved with others when you two weren't exclusive? Are there other behavioral issues that are bothering you? You say he doesn't get jealous and doesn't love you. Truly, jealousy isn't a great thing. And while love is desirable, if he says he doesn't know what love is, it might take him a long time to feel comfortable saying that he loves you. You could also look at it that you've only been together 5 months -- to me, that seems a fairly short time to start the "I love you"s in earnest... You're trying to build a relationship and getting to know each other still -- the real person, not the person that you just rolled around with in the sheets and said "see ya later" the next morning. And the fact that he is making changes, to me, speaks volumes of how he feels for you. Especially if he cut contact with the other girls he was benefiting with, so to speak...

I've been in that position where a lack of communication oh whether or not we were exclusive caused a lot of issues. It took me a long, long time to realize I was partly to blame. We weren't clear if we were together or not, so how could I expect him to act like we were? It was being unfair of me and overly demanding and critical of the situation. We're all human and make mistakes. And I have to agree, you weren't exclusive, so he didn't break any "rules" so to speak. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and maybe he should be more cognizant of your feelings, but he really doesn't have anything to apologize for, except maybe 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I wasn't trying to hurt you.'

Okay, but putting all that aside.. I'm a little concerned about your recent divorce. Perhaps you should be spending more time focusing on yourself and healing, rather than investing in new relationship that feel distressful to you. I also worry about how this relationship will affect your work life? If things do go completely sour, will you still have to see him everyday? What I'm trying to say, is focus on yourself right now. If it's not the right time for a relationship, that's fine. If it is, maybe he's not the one for you, maybe he is. Either way, that's okay. Take care of yourself, you are your number one priority in everything, be gentle and kind to yourself. You need a good friend right now, so be one to yourself.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh at all. I didn't mean to be.

Please take care