[confusedandneedhelp]

Got married when I was 18 to a really nice, decent man, 12 years older to me. We have a wonderful child and have a decent enough marriage with some ups and downs. But one thing there never was/is in the marriage and that's passion - that thrill, excitement, romance! And till now I've always convinced myself that I din't need these feelings - after all my husband is a great father, and great provider...I've literally grown up with him and learned a lot from him - so maybe my life was never meant to have any passionate love in it.

Recently a friend from school looked me up and after a few messages back and forth said he had always loved me and still loves me, and compliments about my looks etc (he's been divorced for years now, no children). Despite being hit upon many times by different men in the past I have never responded in word or action and never felt the need either but somehow with this guy I felt a thrill, a longing even yearning and I flirted back. And this has been going on for 2 months now - we have so quickly become best pals/confidantes and shared personal stories and always there is that undercurrent of talking to a man who seems smitten and crazy about me. No talking dirty or even sex stuff, but he makes me feel desired and that makes me feel awesome.

Even as I type this I hate myself and think people will judge me. How can I have such feelings for another man? What am I looking for? All my life I never ever, not even once felt that romance, that excitement and just sheer pleasure/passion. I am not a naive, unrealistic romantic expecting roses and champagne. But yes, to be be loved crazily, to just for once have passion in sex - I don't even know what I want but I have this sinking feeling that once I reach 40 and past, these feelings will never, ever enter my life. This guy, out of all the men, has made me feel something in my heart that thrilled me and makes me miss him immensely when he is not online. I can't even figure out what it is. I don't know if I even want it to lead anywhere. But I do know I am SINKING. I miss him desperately when I'm not chatting with him. I still respect my husband and would never want to hurt him or our child.

Please - is someone reading this and can you help me? What do I do? Why am I feeling all this at this point in my life? And where do I go from here - cut all ties with my online crush? Or explore it? Or act like it never happened, deny my feelings, maintain status quo? Please help!

[hamster-bamster]

When I read the title, I thought that it is yet another story about ONLINE flirting with someone you have never seen (a phenomenon I fail to understand from beginning to end). You are actually having a relationship with a real human being, someone whom you actually knew, many years ago, etc. etc.

So everything seems normal to me. There are many ways to approach it, none right or wrong, but you should stop calling it "my online crush" because it is not. It is a normal human relationship. Multiple attractions, feelings for one person while respecting another etc. are completely normal and a normal part of human existence. What is not normal, to me (maybe because I am 42 and grew up without the Internet and cell phones), is attraction to people who are virtually anonymous and only manifest themselves through technology. You do not have this problem. Your crush is a real human being.

I do not know to what extent it helps you resolve what you view as your "problem", but I just wanted to say that nobody should feel entitled to judging you and whatever you are going through is just part of life.

[hamster-bamster]

And "hating yourself" is clearly unnecessary, irrational, useless, and counterproductive.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

Please - is someone reading this and can you help me? What do I do? Why am I feeling all this at this point in my life? And where do I go from here - cut all ties with my online crush? Or explore it? Or act like it never happened, deny my feelings, maintain status quo? Please help!

Hi confused, I read your post. There could be lots of reasons why this is happening in your life. Maybe you are bored, lonely, looking for validation, feeling down, restless. That is something that you can think about further.

I think at this point you are starting to get serious enough with this other person that you DO need to make a choice. So, let's examine the consequences of your possible courses of action. Off the top of my head:

1. cut all ties with my online crush?

PROS: You will not betray your marriage further. Could work on strengthening your family/marriage.
CONS: You will lose the feelings that you're experiencing right now.

2. Or explore it?

PROS: You get to experience the thrill and possibly fall in love / have passion.
CONS: Very likely to ruin your marriage. Might harm your relationship with your child, too.

3. Or act like it never happened, deny my feelings, maintain status quo?

PROS: temporarily end the betrayal
CONS: needs stay unmet, repressed feelings will come back stronger later

Are there other options you could add? Do you agree with the pros and cons listed above? Can you think of more?

I hope this helps.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

But one thing there never was/is in the marriage and that's passion - that thrill, excitement, romance! And till now I've always convinced myself that I din't need these feelings

So you were trying to will your feelings and let your rational part rule your feelings and you failed. Accept that you failed.

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

Despite being hit upon many times by different men in the past I have never responded in word or action and never felt the need either but somehow with this guy I felt a thrill, a longing even yearning and I flirted back.

That points to your discriminating taste - you respond to a very low percentage of applicants. I am the same way. There is no issue with it - it is just an intrinsic feature of yours. It is not positive or negative - it is just your feature.

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

but he makes me feel desired and that makes me feel awesome.

What exactly is wrong with that? is that he makes you feel desired wrong? is that feeling desired makes you feel awesome wrong? which part is wrong, or both?

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

Even as I type this I hate myself and think people will judge me.

Those two issues are independent. You clearly should not hate yourself because it is entirely stupid to do so. So that should just be stopped, if you can. If you cannot stop hating yourself, then you have a pervasive issue which should be addressed.

What other people would do is outside of our control. They may judge you, which you may not be able to control. It does not seem that you are a severe threat to humanity (no terrorist attack plans described so far), so people's judging you would be a severe overreaction, but still, it may happen, because it is not controllable.

Hating yourself BECAUSE you think that others would judge you is extra stupid.

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

How can I have such feelings for another man?

Why are you being so analytical about feelings? Are you so analytical about the whole spectrum of your feelings or have you singled out the attraction to this man and decided to apply analysis towards it while being more experiential and less judgmental about the rest of your feelings?

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

All my life I never ever, not even once felt that romance, that excitement and just sheer pleasure/passion.

There are two things in this sentence: 1) a statement of fact about your history. 2) a manifestation of your satisfaction in feeling that excitement now.

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

I am not a naive, unrealistic romantic expecting roses and champagne.

Roses and champagne are an American cultural cliche associated with romance. It has no meaning and can safely be dropped from your active vocabulary.

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

But yes, to be be loved crazily, to just for once have passion in sex - I don't even know what I want but I have this sinking feeling that once I reach 40 and past, these feelings will never, ever enter my life.

Luckily, reaching age 40 does not cause anything drastic in that regard. In my experience, the only two things that do cause drastic damage are either severe depression or the broad sexual side effects of some drugs, or a combination thereof. Other than that, nothing happens at age 40. So if you feel that you have a deadline, no, you do not. If you are only motivated by the sense of urgency caused by what you perceive to be your approaching a point of no return, you can drop that worry safely.

Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp

(1) deny my feelings, (2) maintain status quo?

Those two issues are independent. Denying your feelings is never a good idea, just as denying the fact of your existence is never a good idea, so no, you clearly should not deny your feelings. Maintaining the status quo refers to actions/goal-oriented activity, and in that regard there are many ways to proceed, none of them right or wrong. So that can be discussed at length, but denying your feelings is clearly a wrong way to go.

[Sojourn]

Hi confused,

Thank you for sharing. It is natural for anyone to want to feel wanted and desired. There is a certain thrill in developing a bond with someone new in our lives. It is like a new adventure, shiny and exciting.

I noticed you said you have a “decent marriage” and your husband is a “decent, nice man.” You also mentioned you have “grown up” with him. On top of these good things, you have a “wonderful child.” However, you feel that there has never been passion. You know the thing about passion is… it can be fixed, especially with someone you love and who loves you. It all starts with good communication and understanding one another. By investing in your husband, you invest in yourself and your family. Talk to him, tell him your concerns. If you see a problem in your marriage, which you do, emphasize to him how important it is to you to remedy this. He is a decent, nice man, I am sure he will be eager to make you happy once he knows how serious this matter is.

It is important to understand that most relationships go through “passion-less” episodes and it takes work to keep the fire going. IF things were ever to escalate between you and this other man, the passion might be intense initially but inevitably it will die down and the fantasy will become reality. Except there will be a lot of hurt with it by that time.

As far as having feelings for this other man, those are feelings that can develop easily with people we enjoy being with. You are struggling with temptation it sounds like and that it what is causing your struggle. I might ask this of you… imagine if your child was all grown up and married and was a good marriage partner – decent and nice. What if you found out their marriage mate was in your position? What if they were having feelings for another person and were becoming tempted? What if they told you that they longed to spend time with this other person and talk to them even though they still loved your son/daughter? Would you encourage them to explore those feelings? How do you think your son/daughter would feel if they found out that their marriage mate whom they loved was longing to be with someone else much of the time?

You DO deserve passion in your life. Yes, you do. But that passion should be with the person you made a promise to. It sounds like you have a pretty good marriage overall. Give your marriage everything you have. That means knowing each other and being honest and upfront about each other’s needs. Look out for each other.

This other guy, he might be a great guy. You’ve obviously spent much time getting to know each other. However, at this point you only know what he wants you to know. I am certain there are things about him, as there is with everyone, that are less appealing. The fact that he understands you are married and has subtly placed you in this predicament concerns me.

Apparently, you have two great guys in your life. You need to let them both know what YOU need from them. Your husband needs to know that you need passion – from him. Your friend needs to know that things are becoming too confusing and probably too close. If he is the great guy he portends to be, he should do the decent thing and back off.

As for 40 or any other age… age is what we make of it. You can have all the passion and excitement in your life that you want for as long as you want. It’s up to you. Don’t let a number scare you. Make your life what you want it to be with your husband right by your side as he has been for a big part of your life.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Confused. I've been in your shoes...twice! Firstly, I was married for 20 years in what can only be described as a brother/sister type relationship, with a man who was a very good provider and father, but who simply lacked the romantic gene. It was completely foreign to him, and my talks to him about it just drew responses like, "I don't know what you're talking about!" So, during that marriage, I spent a LOT of my emotional energy fantasizing about other men, including real-life associations, though I never acted upon any of them to the point of sexual encounters.
One landmark experience, though, which sounds similar to yours, was at the age of 40, hearing from the man I considered my greatest love and heartbreak. After the initial phone call from him, we corresponded for months, and I lived for his letters. He spoke of love and a feeling of "urgency," after which I couldn't stand it anymore, and told my husband about our communcation and my feelings for him. I wrote to this man, my lost love, and told him that I had talked to my husband, telling him about our communication and feelings. After that...I never heard one word from him again. I didn't write to him again, but I became very ill, emotionally and mentally. My husband, by the way, was actually pretty tolerant and kind.

Not meaning to write a novel here, but here is part 2 of my similar experiences:
After my divorce, I heard from and have corresponded to this day with my high school sweetheart. He is married. I'm still single. He even visited me here a couple of times. He is in Boston; I'm in WV. I even met his wife who, after meeting me, said she would leave him with me to visit for a few hours. She is obviously very wonderful and trusting. During our two visits, it was clear that he wanted more than socially catching up. I did have feelings for him, but when he said he would be visiting the area again, I declined to see him. This pi$$ed him, and he declined to write to me for a while, but in the end, we have resolved this and are now just healthy friends. I had told him it seemed we were having an online affair (which sounds like what you are having), and that somehow this wasn't right. He responded that it was indeed that, and it was right and okay. I didn't think so.

So...I'm sorry for the long post. I rarely do this here on PC, but I thought my experiences parallel yours so much, I had to share. Please PM me anytime!
Patty