[mrs88]

The last five years have been hard on me. My sister came home with a new baby leaving her husband. She then came to live with my parents. She has always made her problems the centre of our family. I have always taken a back seat to her and her problems. I always understood-even though it has been annoying.

However, in recent years since we have both had kids i have noticed that my mom really does favor her more and her kids. She does everything for her and her kids and I feel like my kids are second class citizen and it REALLY hurts me.I never wanted to burden my mom and take advantage of her but my sister will use her at every chance she can. She drains my mom to the bitter end. I never get a chance to spend any one on one time with her because she is always with my sister and her kids and it TRULy makes me resentful. I am and was the obidient daughter who always stayed by there side, and cared for them when she couldn't care less and now everything is about her and her kids. It really truly hurts me and my mom thinks that I am over reacting or jealous. At this point I am so sick of being upset about it...but i can't get over it. it really angers me and upsets me...i just don't know how to handle it anymore.

[Leed]

Hi Mrs88 ~ I'm so sorry you're having such trouble. I know what it feels like when your sister is favored over you.

I know you said that your Mom thinks you're overreacting and jealous, but can you sit her down and have a heart-to-heart? Can you tell her exactly how you feel? Perhaps she doesn't know the depth of your feelings, and how it REALLY makes you feel. In fact I'm sure she doesn't. I know that MY mother didn't know how I felt. Maybe you've already had this long talk with your Mom, I don't know. But it wouldn't hurt to do it again.

Also, it couldn't hurt to talk with your selfish sister!! She has NO RIGHT to be draining your mother of everything -- she's an adult and needs to be on her own. If she left her husband, she should have had a plan BEFORE she left, and that plan should NOT have been to move back in with Mom!! She needs to MOVE OUT on her own. Mom has to TELL her that she has to leave.

I wish I had a fool proof way to make things better. I wish you the very best. God bless you my friend. Please take care of YOU. You might want to visit our depression forum. It sounds like you are depressed -- if so, therapy might be the best thing for you. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

I will never know why parent's do this. Favouring one child (and grandchildren) over another, esp when the child that tries the hardest is often the one overlooked. I've seen it time and time again :-(

It happened to me too - I was the only kid who travelled every 6 weeks to see my parents 300 miles away, phoned them every day, sent them gifts & things they wanted in the post etc, while my brothers who did nothing, don't even like my parents and the sun shone out of their backsides.

I no longer talk to my parents, after a huge row with my dad, who told me all sorts of horrible things, swore and called me very nasty names. They refused to talk about it, despite me asking so after few years I came to the decision to walk away for my peace of mind. Now while I don't recommend you be as extreme as I, I do think that perhaps taking a step back, try become less involved and protect yourself from emotional hurt. I doubt very much that you can ever compete with your sister and I suspect its an unfair race already won, due to the irrational behaviour of your Mom.

Try and fill your life with your own things, your kids and partner. Do fun things on your own, perhaps visit less, and rely on your Mom less. It may just let you let go of the anger and resentment...

I do wish you well. Hugs

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by mrs88

I have always taken a back seat to her and her problems. I always understood-even though it has been annoying.

Oh gosh. I feel for you here. Being the responsible and dependable one in the family has its drawbacks! I take it that your sister is rather dramatic, and that her drama in some way appeals to your mother.

You say that you've always taken a back seat to your sister and her problems. That is a hint. It makes me wonder whether you're asking for what you want in a way that your mother can hear or understand. Your sister makes her problems loud and clear, but what about you?

Originally Posted by mrs88

I never wanted to burden my mom and take advantage of her but my sister will use her at every chance she can.

I can understand this sentiment completely. You don't want to be a burden, so you solve your own problems. However, I would bet that your mother enjoys her role in helping, and doesn't feel that this is a burden.

She's been doing this for years and years, with no sign of stopping or slowing down, correct? To me, that means that your mom likes being involved in her daughter's problems and likes trying to help. So, maybe you should give her a chance?

Originally Posted by mrs88

I never get a chance to spend any one on one time with her because she is always with my sister and her kids and it TRULy makes me resentful.

Have you told your mother this exact thing? That you need one on one time with her?

Originally Posted by mrs88

I am and was the obidient daughter who always stayed by there side, and cared for them when she couldn't care less and now everything is about her and her kids.

It sounds like you are really carrying around a lot of resentment and regret. Family relationships can really take their toll. I wonder if you are feeling overwhelmed and needing help with your children? Are you under a great deal of stress?

Originally Posted by mrs88

It really truly hurts me and my mom thinks that I am over reacting or jealous. At this point I am so sick of being upset about it...but i can't get over it. it really angers me and upsets me...i just don't know how to handle it anymore.

Your feelings are always valid, regardless of what others may say. This hurt is coming from a place within you that struggling, that is starving, that is not getting what it needs. I know it's hard, but I think your feelings are trying to tell you what it is that you really need. Have you thought about what you really want from your mom, apart from feelings about your sister? Do you need a break from your kids? Do you need her support?

I think the solution to your hurt and anger is to try to get your needs met. If that happens, then I don't think your sister's behaviour will bother you any longer.

[mrs88]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

Oh gosh. I feel for you here. Being the responsible and dependable one in the family has its drawbacks! I take it that your sister is rather dramatic, and that her drama in some way appeals to your mother.

You say that you've always taken a back seat to your sister and her problems. That is a hint. It makes me wonder whether you're asking for what you want in a way that your mother can hear or understand. Your sister makes her problems loud and clear, but what about you?


I can understand this sentiment completely. You don't want to be a burden, so you solve your own problems. However, I would bet that your mother enjoys her role in helping, and doesn't feel that this is a burden.

She's been doing this for years and years, with no sign of stopping or slowing down, correct? To me, that means that your mom likes being involved in her daughter's problems and likes trying to help. So, maybe you should give her a chance?


Have you told your mother this exact thing? That you need one on one time with her?


It sounds like you are really carrying around a lot of resentment and regret. Family relationships can really take their toll. I wonder if you are feeling overwhelmed and needing help with your children? Are you under a great deal of stress?


Your feelings are always valid, regardless of what others may say. This hurt is coming from a place within you that struggling, that is starving, that is not getting what it needs. I know it's hard, but I think your feelings are trying to tell you what it is that you really need. Have you thought about what you really want from your mom, apart from feelings about your sister? Do you need a break from your kids? Do you need her support?

I think the solution to your hurt and anger is to try to get your needs met. If that happens, then I don't think your sister's behaviour will bother you any longer.

Thank-you for your post. It makes me feel so much better that you understand how I feel. It just validates me that I'm not going crazy or being jealous.

I have told my mom how I feel. She says im overreacting and tries to change and then I see her behaviour change again. Whenever she is with my sisters kids she wants them to need her and thrives on it. My kids don't require that and she never tends to them which hurts me. I think this will never change with her and I just have to numb myself to it .

[Sapfw_Sp]

Originally Posted by mrs88

The last five years have been hard on me. My sister came home with a new baby leaving her husband. She then came to live with my parents. She has always made her problems the centre of our family. I have always taken a back seat to her and her problems. I always understood-even though it has been annoying.

However, in recent years since we have both had kids i have noticed that my mom really does favor her more and her kids. She does everything for her and her kids and I feel like my kids are second class citizen and it REALLY hurts me.I never wanted to burden my mom and take advantage of her but my sister will use her at every chance she can. She drains my mom to the bitter end. I never get a chance to spend any one on one time with her because she is always with my sister and her kids and it TRULy makes me resentful. I am and was the obidient daughter who always stayed by there side, and cared for them when she couldn't care less and now everything is about her and her kids. It really truly hurts me and my mom thinks that I am over reacting or jealous. At this point I am so sick of being upset about it...but i can't get over it. it really angers me and upsets me...i just don't know how to handle it anymore.

Your mother is just emotionally vulnerable because it's her daughter's first baby and all that. She tries to be a good grandmother and doesn't realize that she still needs to be a mother. I think she just doesn't know it, so if you talk to her, maybe things will be a little better. No screaming, just explain politely but exactly what your true feelings are.

[BonnieG2010]

I gave two possibilities, you choose or they maybe both true.
It could be that your mother sees your sister as less independent and more in need of her help. You, on the other hand, are perfectly ok, you don't need as much time and attention as your sister and she has learned not to look too much after you.
You also wrote that your sister's kids need your Mom and she likes that. So your Mom is a person that needs to be needed and glories in this feeling.
possibly you have always acted the over-independent and your sister the over-dependent.
What do you really want from your Mom? attention for your kids or for you? ask her to tell you that she loves you. Write her a letter, you hardly ever forget a letter! and express your real feelings to her. What do you want from her?
Could it be that you are reproaching her all the times where you were in need but you forced yourself not to express your needs? Maybe it's time to just express them, without using the scale:me more, you less.
Tell her what you really want from her.
But remember that even Moms have flaws, so if she needs to be needed and you need to be independent.... it's hard that you meet in the middle.