[dalila]

Somehow I lucked out and married a guy who has stuck by me through it all. He just keeps loving me and I sit around and wonder why. He is faithful and a hard worker and generally considerate. So what is my problem? Because I was sexually abused as a very young child - and taken advantage of several times later I positively cannot endure having anyone touch me while I am sleeping. I have literally jumped out of our bed when he tried to cuddle in the early morning hours when I was not fully awake. More than once I have woken up as i fell out of our bed trying to esape his cuddles. I cannot go to sleep while we are in physical contact. He says he would like to just have some body part touching thru the night to maintan contact and the very idea makes my stomach churn. We cuddle before we go to sleep and for me that is plenty. I love him but I would love to sleep in separate beds. He would love for us to sleep spooned. I would love to be able to compermise but even his body heat can be triggering for me at times.

How do you learn to let someone hold you when you are at your most vunerable? Especially when that had been the time that you had been preyed on in the past?

[FearsomeAnna]

((((((dalila)))))))

It is not your fault what happened to you when you were a child. A person that preys on children, in my opinion, deserves to be taken out back and chopped into little pieces, balls first.

That said, you are not a child anymore. You now have skills to protect yourself that no child has. So already, your own age gives you one hell of an advantage.

My suggestion is this - try starting off slow with the cuddles during the daytime. Everyone feels safer in the daytime. Not much can sneak up on you then. Try it for like 10 minutes. When you are comfortable with that, up it to 15. Then 20. Try cuddling in different positions - spooning, you laying on him, him resting his head on you, etc. Get to the point where you can have him touch you. If you start to get nervous or upset, think to yourself "That person who abused me can no longer touch me or hurt me. The person here is my husband, who is here to protect me from harm."

When you feel comfortable napping with him during the day, try moving the cuddle times closer and closer to bedtime. You should begin to associate "happy cuddle time" with "sleep time".

As for the body heat thing, though - I hear you. Maybe dump a bucket of icewater on him before he goes to sleep? In all seriousness, try having a fan on in the room, even if it's 10 below out. Keeping yourself cooler than being heated up may help keep you from being triggered and will probably make you more comfortable all around. I know it works for me - it's the only way I can sleep anywhere near my fiance without getting baked. He's an animated fireplace.

I hope this helps, sweetie. I'm proud of you for starting to work through this. It's a long road, but you'll make it. You're a strong person, I can tell!

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

[Audrey]

I agree with fearsomeanna. That is how it is with my fiancee and me as well. We tried taking naps in the day time instead for about 20 minutes or so. I'm really sorry to hear about your past. oh and anna, shopping them up into little pieces is a good idea, although i would rather cause them psychological damage first. Just so they know what it is like.

[dalila]

I have this horrible tendency to take an intellectual view of things like this. I research and study and decide that my abuser must have been abused himself. And those who abused him must have been abused -- in the long run I had decided I was the responsible party cos he must have seen something in me that made it alright to abuse me. So he shouldn't be punished I should. Has taken me three years of therapy to be able to see that and realize how foolish it is.

I can cuddle just not dring the time I am falling asleep, asleep or waking up. I woke up too many times with 'him' in my bed. As long as I am awake and aware I do ok even enjoy the relationship. But those times when he would feel connected throughout the night I would be awake all night. My therapist has me doing 10 to 20 minutes of cuddling before we go to sleep. Some nights I can hardly wait for him to go to sleep so I can shift away from him and sleep myself.

[Audrey]

If that's the case, then it sounds like you are just torturing yourself. Maybe you should talk to your therapist about taking a break once in awhile. It might help if you both start cuddling while you are awake, and then just lay in bed for a few hours until you drift off to sleep. That way it might flow more smoothly.