[rozzo77]

First post and first step. Need help.
Hi there. I'm very new to this and going through severe anxiety over he last few days. I've been dealing with depression and currently medicated for about 11 years now. Before this I'm certain I still suffered though without help. I'm managing my day to day life much better than before. But having trouble recently confronting my mother at tr recommendation of a therapist and the need to take the first step in reclaiming my mental health.

My issue is that I'm having severe anxiety confronting my mother firstly about a sum of money she owes me. To make a long story short. My father died last year. He was very close to me. We owned a joint property together and I ended up selling it. My mother took ALL the profit . About a $200,000 profit . Needless to say right now I'm needing about $25,000 to buy a new car. I don't feel like I should have to struggle the way I am when she stole what I'd worked so hard for.
I'm not sure why I'm having so much anxiety over asking for a smal portion of what's mine. But I know she'll say no. What makes matters worse is that financially she is very well off considering she even lived in the property without making any financial contributions and was also collecting some money from my brother.
I feel like this is just the straw that broke the camels back as we've never gotten along. We barely spoke. I have alot of animosity around the way she treatedy father and I feel like she's taken advantage of me and I need to set a boundary for my own sanity. The issue is the thought of he confrontation is making me sick to my stomach and my chest is pounding with fear.

I know this post seems to be about the money, but I guess it's more about my feelings of worthlessness and lack of assertiveness, partly fueled by my relationship with my mother. I'm hoping that confronting her will be the first step in my ability to reclaim my self esteem. I suffer from anxiety and depression that affects my day to day professional and social relationships so much that I'm isolated most of the time.

Has anyone any experience or advise to share ?

[Leed]

Hi Rozzo ~ I'm alot like you, in that I HATE confrontation, and I usually am known to keep the peace at all costs. I can't stand raised voices, or arguing and that comes from the way I was brought up. My parents fought ALL the time, and many of those fights were physical. So if anytime things get noisy, I retreat to my room, and stay there. It could even be the TV set that is too loud.

But in your case, you really DO need to find the courage to stand up for yourself. You have been cheated out of a LARGE sum of money, and you shouldn't have to struggle because your mother is either selfish or very forgetful! Regardless of what it is, you might just "nicely" remind her that 1/2 of that $200,000 is YOURS and you need it NOW. And would she please write you a check for it at her earliest convenience -- and you'll be over at such and such a date to pick it up. Don't just ask for the $25,000 -- ask for the WHOLE AMOUNT!!! Afterall, you're entitled to one half, correct? Then get it ALL. If you don't get it all, you'll have to go thru this again!

You don't need to accept any excuses. If it is invested, then she needs to SELL the investments in order for you to get your one half. That's all.

I'm sorry you two don't get along very well, and this might not help matters any, but money never does help. Just get what's coming to you!! This is alot of money we're talking about and you're entitled to it.

So just be STRONG. You're going to have to be. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[BonnieG2010]

Can't you seek help? Can't you find a lawyer to send her a letter reclaiming your money, together for the reasons why the money is yours and not hers?
I'm afraid that if you are so scared she will silence you quickly and then it will be more difficult to bring up the topic again.
If you feel you are not alone in this and that someone can speak up for you, you'll feel better.
Can you call any part of the family on your father's side for help?
Alone we are often lost. In company things get better.

[rozzo77]

Thank you for the kind words, it helps to have some reinforcement.
I could go the lawyer route, but the entire ordeal seems like such an emotional task. I asked her today after a big blow out and she said she would give it to me, but it will drain her financially- which I don't logically think is possible. I'm willing to take it as I feel I'm entitled to it, and her saying it will put her in hardship is just her way of instilling guilt in me.
In some way I really hope she is lying.

[BonnieG2010]

Well, you can always say to hear that you don't want to leave her on the street, you are only asking for justice. AFter, and i repeat after, the money is in your bank account you will decide what you will do. If she can find a job or something, or even if she is entitled to PART of the selling money, as your father's widow.
Cross my fingers for you

I think she's being very unfair, esp with the guilt trips. And I'm going to sound very blunt here - its ok for her to keep the money and put you in financial difficulty is it? I guess she's entitled to half of the profit - but that still leaves her with 100k. That's a lot of money in anyone's book. Sounds like she's spending way over her means, but that shouldn't effect you and your finances.

I agree with Bonnie, wait to you have the money in your bank account before you decide if to help her. If she's in financial trouble, then it should be fairly easy to prove it to you. Then you may be able to help her learn to budget etc, as well as help her with money if you so wish to.

Good luck

[rozzo77]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I think she's being very unfair, esp with the guilt trips. And I'm going to sound very blunt here - its ok for her to keep the money and put you in financial difficulty is it? I guess she's entitled to half of the profit - but that still leaves her with 100k. That's a lot of money in anyone's book. Sounds like she's spending way over her means, but that shouldn't effect you and your finances.

I agree with Bonnie, wait to you have the money in your bank account before you decide if to help her. If she's in financial trouble, then it should be fairly easy to prove it to you. Then you may be able to help her learn to budget etc, as well as help her with money if you so wish to.

Good luck

Thank you both. I agree. This is what I try to keep telling myself that even with me taking the money that still gives her over 100 k in profit alone. All this does is make the split equal. Her viewpoint is that she used the money to help my brother and sister out. Again though. I've been so conditioned to think that standing up for myself and not sacrificing for everyone else makes me a bad person. Again though. I think we teach people how to treat us and because our relationship was never good and I was much more independent and self sufficient - she took it as I never said thanks. My reasoning was - well you never have given me anything to be grateful for. With the exception of my home. But I've worked and paid rent without any assistance since I was 16 and still managed to buy my own home, vehicles and raise my daughter 100% as a single mother.
I just feel very guilty and anxious, but still understand that her having the money is more of a control issue than anything else. It's illogical that she wouldn't have enough money when shes worked and never had to pay bills, rent , food, clothing and was able to bank all her money for her retirement. I'm sure she's helped my brother and sister out. But the difference to me is : they didn't own and pay for an investment home. I just want what's mine to invest into my daughters education fund.
I just wish I didn't feel so badly about it.

[BonnieG2010]

You know, you don't even have to state why you want your money. It is so obvious that your money should stay in your hands.
It is hard to stand up for yourself because you don't have the habit to do so. But it is important that you learn, so that you can teach your daughter how to protect herself.
The confrontation feels so hard because it is your Mom but many times in life we have to stand up for ourselves.
Give yourself a big hug, tell yourself how much you appreciate your own courage and efforts. And then do it!!
I send you a big hug