Ruining my relationship

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, with a 3 month on and off break in between those years (2 years ago). I trusted him to the fullest without a doubt and then during our break he started to hang out with another girl (an ex co-worker). There is speculation that he had a sexual encounter or multiple sexual encounters with her. She claims they did (she called me when we were back together shortly after the break), He says nothing happened. I do not know who to believe and it haunts me until this day. It has changed the dynamic of our relationship. I have no trust in him and it has made me insecure in the relationship. He's in school, different school than me, and is in a child development major so he is surrounded by different girls all the time. He has classmates with the same name as the ex co-worker and the classmate randomly texts him with questions. It doesn't help. I really do want to be with him, but I'm just so sad all the time about what happened still and I get upset over little things that have to do with girls. For example, he has another classmate (K), and I saw a random text from her and invited him to play this game. I even asked him about the random text to see what it was about and he explained they were talking about the phone games. I then found out that he plays with her in every single online game that he has (wwf, hwf, swf, and mini golf, and maybe songpop). I know in my mind I shouldn't be upset. But I can't help how I feel, and it sucks so bad, because I just feel like I'm ruining my relationship getting mad over trivial things like these. I tried to tell him that this stems from what happened in the past, but he doesn't want to hear it. He just says you have to learn to trust me, and we should focus on the future and present.

He used to be insecure in our relationship because I had a couple of good guy friends, and so I tried to communicate my feelings thinking maybe he would be supportive or at least understand where I am coming from, but I feel he just dismissed my feelings.

Any tips to cope? Or advice on what to do?

What has happened to your good guy friends? Why have they disappeared?

I echo hamster-bamster's question.

I will also say that trust, once broken, is really hard to get back. I still don't completely trust my current partner, even though she's done nothing wrong; just the opposite, in fact. But I am so used to being with people who are inappropriate for me and who were dishonest and so I projected that onto her. I am just finally getting to the point (a year and a half later) where I don't freak out or turn cold every time her text messaging goes off. It still gets my back up to see her on facebook.

Do you trust him? Do you believe he's telling the truth about not sleeping with the other girl? That's important. Because whether or not he did, you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not you will be able to trust him. And at some point, whether or not you ever get a satisfactory answer from him about anything, you have to be prepared to make a decision. It sounds like you're quite unhappy in this situation, and usually checking up on someone is not a very positive sign for the relationship (not intended as a judgment on you).

Regardless of what happens, I wish you all the best. I know it can be difficult to be in these situations and I hope you come to a place of peace with it.

They haven't disappeared. I still hang out with them and talk to them. Others I cut ties for my own personal reasons, because of their actions.

My boyfriend has also met my guy friends more than a couple times, whereas I do not know these girls, which has also fueled my insecurities.

I don't know if I trust him completely. I believe he's telling the truth about not sleeping with the other girl, but I believe something happened.

I have really high points and really low points in my relationship, personally. Most of the time, I'm pretty happy in my relationship. But there's these low points like this past couple of days where I just can't stop thinking about everything.

I usually don't check up, and I have never really done that before unless I knew for certain that someone was up to something, which has happened in the past from previous relationships. I never used to check up on him or anything, it's just recently with all these classmates, but I do realize it is not a positive sign too.

I hope do find peace soon too. Thank you.

I am of the school of thought that once trust is broken, it is really hard to get back.

Mistrust can break the "strongest" person, and even then, it takes a lot of time and effort.

You have to REALLY want to be in the relationship and be fully committed to regain trust. I guess some good questions to ask yourself: Do you want to work that hard? Is this relationship worth it? Do you have the time? Are there reasons why you are staying in the relationship other than for the "obvious" reasons?

I am sorry this is happening. I hope you will be able to listen to your heart and act accordingly in your favor.

(In these types of situations, I immediately think of a quote from one of my all-time favorite shows: "I'm gonna say the one thing you aren't supposed to say. I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for (fill in the blank) years and that's the one I need to work on." )

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I have been in a very similar position with my husband while we were dating.

I hope this isn't offensive (I'm sure I would have taken it as such), but, why does it matter what he did during your break? Were there rules in place that this was just a break, not a break-up, and that neither of you would start seeing other people? Or was this a break-up, with no intention of getting back together? There can be hope of getting back together, but if the intent of the break up was to break up, then you need to try to stop focusing on what he did. What he did during that time was not a reflection on you. For all you know, that's how he copes with a break up.

Can you pinpoint exactly what is upsetting you?

I tell myself the same things sometimes, "Why does it matter?" I try to remember that it was during our break. And it was just a break, I was going through a lot and just couldn't and didn't want to handle anything anymore.
My logical side, is like what does it matter what he did, we weren't together, it shouldn't affect me, because he was doing his own thing. But it still affects me even though I try to think of it logically, my mind just goes crazy.

However, when we were back together, I had the phone call from the ex-coworker saying they were still being intimate and what had happened when we weren't together. And she tried real hard to get him back or take revenge or something, I'm not really sure what.

My previous relationships where I've caught infidelity, I ended asap, this is the only relationship where I still want to be with the person and I didn't end it. This is also the first time I actually believe the guy of having no sexual encounter. (other things may have happened though)

1) You should resign to the fact that you will never know the truth and think about whether you can go on living with him while not having complete information. it is your call, but you should realize that you will never know the truth.

2) You clearly believe that your partner owed you a duty of sexual fidelity while being your partner. He was not your partner when you had a break. So he did not owe you any duty of sexual fidelity.

3) He does not have a duty to disclose the information about his private life during the break to you either. It is his choice. He might be having difficulties telling you to respect his privacy, and that difficulty has led him to tell you that "nothing happened", in the hope that that sort of thing would satisfy you and you would stop your inquiries. That is not lying - the problem is with your interrogating him when you should not be interrogating him.

4) She might have been lying to you when she called you to inform you that the two of them had had one or many sexual encounters. If that is what she did, she was willfully lying to you out of some kind of malice or envy - she wanted to upset or hurt you or she was unhappy that he did not stay with her but preferred you so she wanted to retaliate. This is outright intentional lying with malice as opposed to (3) above.

5) Unless she was a very close friend of yours who had always been in the habit of telling you about her intimate relations, it is weird that she would call you out of the blue to tell you about the alleged sexual encounter(s). This does not resolve the issue of whether the sexual encounter(s) happened (nothing will resolve this issue), but it speaks of some sort of malice on her end. Maybe she did sleep with him and told you that she did out of malice. Maybe she did not sleep with him but made up the story, again out of malice. At any rate, you probably should stay away from her.

6) child development has traditionally been a female-dominated field so he will continue to be surrounded by women even after he finishes school. You need to either learn to live with that or break up with him and get a boyfriend who is studying electrical engineering or is in another male-dominated field, because doing so would solve the problem of your bf' being surrounded by females in school and at work.

7) When you wrote that "He used to be insecure in our relationship because I had a couple of good guy friends, and so I tried to communicate my feelings thinking maybe he would be supportive or at least understand where I am coming from, but I feel he just dismissed my feelings", you were alluding to some sense of equity/symmetry in the relationship. You were hoping that he would draw on his experience of being insecure due to your having a couple of good guy friends and be able to view the situation from your standpoint and thus understand your feelings. It was a valid approach, but it did not work, so there is no point in pursuing it further. The next logical step is to regain the friendship of those good guy friends (or, acquire new ones, whichever is easier and more straightforward) . There are several benefits to this approach:

a) Your bf may become insecure again, and from the vantage point of his CURRENT insecurity he will be able to empathize with your CURRENT feelings better than he is able to empathize with your CURRENT feelings from the vantage point of his PAST insecurity (we already know that he cannot empathize from the vantage point of the PAST insecurity).

b) Since your guy friends were good, they will hopefully provide some entertainment and distraction so you won't torment yourself so much the way you are currently tormenting yourself.

c) Your relationship with the boyfriend will be more equitable - he will have female friends and classmates and you will have your guy friends. Equity is not necessary, but as an optional thing, rather nice.

So this seems to be the only logical next step and I recommend that you take it, review the results, and then determine next steps.

Trust is very hard and once broken it is very hard to get back. I have to agree with the above message. I hate to say it, because if I was in your boat, I know I would feel the same way. However, if you were on a break did you say that you would not date? Were there rules set up for this break? Just something to think about, I am sure that is not the response that you wanted.

On another note, I have dated my boyfriend for just about 2 years. I often times become jealous when he talks about female co-workers or friends. I wonder who these people are and what they are saying in text messages. There is a part of me that knows he is not cheating on me but my trust in people has been broken by another person which affects our relationship. I have been very honest with my boyfriend and explained the situation. He now understands my reactions to situations and knows that I am trying to work through the problems that I have.

But, if you are not happy you need to think about what will make you happy. Are you happy being with your boyfriend?

I have to be honest -- your boyfriend has not broken your trust; just as my husband has never actually broken my trust. It is our own insecurities getting in the way and dominating our emotions. Whatever that girl told you -- ignore it. Everyone knows girls can be catty, and that's just what it sounds like she is doing. If you do trust your boyfriend, then there should be nothing that anyone else can say to change your mind. If you feel that your boyfriend has not shown any signs of infidelity (sure, maybe he should be trying harder to be understanding, but I've found men seem to struggle with empathy compared to women), then focus on the rational thoughts. Remind yourself over and over that your thoughts about cheating are irrational and only causing you unnecessary stress. Every time you start to feel the emotions, try to break the cycle -- slow down, take deep breaths, and remind yourself "These are not rational thoughts."

When I was having the same issue you were having (not letting go), I eventually realized that I was using these emotions to represent other things I was upset about in my relationship. I didn't want to deal with the new emotions, or the new issue that upset me, so I'd subconsciously revert back to these emotions and memories. Once I realized they were "placeholder" emotions (comfortable because they're known), I began to ask myself "Okay, you're not really upset about this anymore. What are you really upset about right now?" and that actually helped a lot.

If you think this relationship is worth the work, then keep going. No relationship will be free from all issues and pain. And honestly? In my own relationship, once we got past all the crap, our relationship has been much, much stronger.