[bos314489]

I was divorced 2 years ago and moved back to my hometown to be near my family. My first love from 20 years ago also lives here and we have not seen or spoken to each other for that long. He is separated from his wife and we have started to see each other again. I am having a lot of anxiety about this because I never expected my feelings to come back so strongly for him and I feel like I am falling in love all over again. I told him in the beginning I didn't think it was a good idea to see each other since he has only been separated 2 months but insists they are getting a divorce. Anyway, I am in deep now and I really don't want for him to break my heart again so I don't know what to do. I have been encouraging him to seek counseling with his wife to work it out as they have 2 children but he says he is not interested in doing that. He hasn't said anything to me about any feelings he may have for me still, so I am acting very casual as well. I just find myself thinking about him too much and don't know what to do. What do you think?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bos314489

I was divorced 2 years ago and moved back to my hometown to be near my family. My first love from 20 years ago also lives here and we have not seen or spoken to each other for that long. He is separated from his wife and we have started to see each other again. I am having a lot of anxiety about this because I never expected my feelings to come back so strongly for him and I feel like I am falling in love all over again. I told him in the beginning I didn't think it was a good idea to see each other since he has only been separated 2 months but insists they are getting a divorce. Anyway, I am in deep now and I really don't want for him to break my heart again so I don't know what to do. I have been encouraging him to seek counseling with his wife to work it out as they have 2 children but he says he is not interested in doing that. He hasn't said anything to me about any feelings he may have for me still, so I am acting very casual as well. I just find myself thinking about him too much and don't know what to do. What do you think?

I do not think that you can will yourself into thinking about him less than you think of him on your own.

You should not encourage him to seek counseling or discourage him from seeking counseling - he is an adult man and he should be able to deal with those issues on his own. You should not worry about the wellbeing of his 2 children either - the children have both living parents and the parents have the duty to worry about the children's wellbeing. Unless he explicitly asks you to worry about the children's wellbeing, you should not. If he asks, then maybe, but not automatically, either.

[hamster-bamster]

Other than that, since he has not expressed any feelings yet, just wait and see - there is nothing else you can do.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bos314489

I really don't want for him to break my heart again

Sorry, I missed that part. Did he leave you to marry the woman he is now divorcing back then?

[bos314489]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Sorry, I missed that part. Did he leave you to marry the woman he is now divorcing back then?

No we were very young, early 20s and he felt like we were going in different directions at the time so he wanted to break up. I was going off to college, etc. He didn't meet his wife until later. I like what you said about I can't will myself to think of him any less because that is true. I wish I didn't have such strong feelings. I get those butterflies in my stomach and a chill up my spine when he touches me. I guess you are right there is nothing I can do but wait it out to see if he will tell me he has any feelings or not.. Thanks for the advice!

[bos314489]

Also, do you think I should wait until he mentions anything about feelings for me before I mention anything to him about the feelings I am having for him?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bos314489

Also, do you think I should wait until he mentions anything about feelings for me before I mention anything to him about the feelings I am having for him?

Not necessarily. But wait a little and see what happens and then decide. Not necessarily because he did have deep feelings back then, for some period of time, so he should be able to at least APPRECIATE your current feelings, even if not reciprocate them.

Enjoy that you are ABLE to "get those butterflies in my stomach and a chill up my spine when he touches me.". Even if he eventually does not reciprocate, that you are able to get those butterflies means that you are ALIVE.

[NWgirl2013]

Did I miss something? He's married. Boom.
Til that changes, he has a wife and children and is not really available.
He has a few technicalities to deal with/ things to do/ before you get in the middle of it.
Chills or no chills. Wouldn't you rather know he's willing to do whatever it takes to be with you for real? Or is it just a quick fix for both of you?
Just saying...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

Did I miss something? He's married. Boom.
Til that changes, he has a wife and children and is not really available.
He has a few technicalities to deal with/ things to do/ before you get in the middle of it.
Chills or no chills. Wouldn't you rather know he's willing to do whatever it takes to be with you for real? Or is it just a quick fix for both of you?
Just saying...

What?????????

Did you read OP so selectively that you noticed the technicality of the official state of marriage but happened to miss

Originally Posted by bos314489

My first love from 20 years ago

somehow? You missed the most crucial part of the OP?

Or do you believe that a first love from 20 years ago can be a "quick fix"????

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

Til that changes, he has a wife and children and is not really available.
He has a few technicalities to deal with

Well, he will always have his children and his having his children does not bear in any way on his being available.

As for technicalities, a divorce is a very long and drawn-out procedure -- are you seriously suggesting that everybody put their lives on hold in order to let the family court calendar, that is incredibly overbooked in most states due to budget cuts, clear up???

[NWgirl2013]

He is still married. If he wants her, he'll do her the courtesy of getting unhitched & actually have something to offer her other than some past history.
And yes, old feelings can be very misleading.
I am also pretty sure she did say he has not mentioned a thing about he feels.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

Did I miss something?

I think you did miss the most crucial and central part of the OP - see my post below.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

He is still married. If he wants her, he'll do her the courtesy of getting unhitched & actually have something to offer her other than some past history.
And yes, old feelings can be very misleading.
I am also pretty sure she did say he has not mentioned a thing about he feels.

She did say that he has not mentioned anything about how he feels and we have already discussed it - it does not matter. He is separated (already, and not due to his feelings or lack thereof towards bos314489) and he is an adult man and he can do whatever he wants, and bos314489's problem is not in that she is not considerate ENOUGH of his wife and children, but in that she is considerate of them TOO MUCH.

He is already getting unhitched not on account of bos314489 - you need to read OP carefully before posting.

[NWgirl2013]

Of course I read well the OP. It is very emotional. All I'm saying is be careful. Take care of you. Emotional decisions/outbursts/expressions, are just that. There is nothing wrong with being cautious in a situation like this.
In my opinion, and it is only that, it is time for her to wait. To see what he does. As a grown up man with grown up problems, will he handle them with grace, class and integrity? Who wouldn't want to see that in a man?
He made promises to someone else that he is now breaking. A very grown up problem indeed. If true love/history/time win out, great. Let him show her. Nothing wrong with that. I wonder what she thinks of this.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

Of course I read well the OP. It is very emotional. All I'm saying is be careful. Take care of you. Emotional decisions/outbursts/expressions, are just that. There is nothing wrong with being cautious in a situation like this.
In my opinion, and it is only that, it is time for her to wait. To see what he does. As a grown up man with grown up problems, will he handle them with grace, class and integrity? Who wouldn't want to see that in a man?
He made promises to someone else that he is now breaking. A very grown up problem indeed. If true love/history/time win out, great. Let him show her. Nothing wrong with that. I wonder what she thinks of this.

That is very nice...

Yet, there is no evidence that he has broken any promises to anybody - we know from the OP that

"He is separated from his wife"

It is a completely neutral statement of fact and you should not read anything into it - there is no mention of any fault on anybody's part.

You are still reading into OP something that is not there.

[NWgirl2013]

Somehow my agreeing with you to wait and see what he does or says is upsetting you. Not my intention. Have a nice evening.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

Somehow my agreeing with you to wait and see what he does or says is upsetting you. Not my intention. Have a nice evening.

While we are agreeing on the next steps, we are disagreeing on the reasons for them, and I was upset that you were reading something in the OP that was not there - that is all.

Have a nice evening too!

[bos314489]

Enjoy that you are ABLE to "get those butterflies in my stomach and a chill up my spine when he touches me.". Even if he eventually does not reciprocate, that you are able to get those butterflies means that you are ALIVE.[/quote]

Yes thank you for that. I have been very depressed over the past 2 years since the divorce. I have dated but never got the butterfly sensation. Maybe I am coming out of my depression to be able to even FEEL these feelings. That is a nice thought!

[bos314489]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

Did I miss something? He's married. Boom.
Til that changes, he has a wife and children and is not really available.
He has a few technicalities to deal with/ things to do/ before you get in the middle of it.
Chills or no chills. Wouldn't you rather know he's willing to do whatever it takes to be with you for real? Or is it just a quick fix for both of you?
Just saying...

Thanks for your input. I don't feel the need to wait for the day the actual divorce goes through. He and his wife are getting ready to go through the process. There is no hope of getting back together and they are each seeing other people so I don't feel I am getting in the middle of it. And it definitly would not be a quick fix as we were together for about 3 years 20 years ago so there are feelings there for each other.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bos314489

Enjoy that you are ABLE to "get those butterflies in my stomach and a chill up my spine when he touches me.". Even if he eventually does not reciprocate, that you are able to get those butterflies means that you are ALIVE.

Yes thank you for that. I have been very depressed over the past 2 years since the divorce. I have dated but never got the butterfly sensation. Maybe I am coming out of my depression to be able to even FEEL these feelings. That is a nice thought![/QUOTE]

Yes, you are.

I had a psychiatrist who helped me get out of my (hopefully last in my life) suicidal depression last year - a lovely Indian woman.

I did not have those FEELINGS at that time, but I told her that I was worried that I would NEVER get those FEELINGS again in my life. She said that even the THOUGHT that these feelings mattered was a sign of hope, and that eventually I would come out of the depression.

If the THOUGHT that these feelings matter and remembering that I had them at some point of my life were a sign of hope, in her professional opinion, then your actually HAVING these feelings is even more so a sign of your coming out of the depression.

[NWgirl2013]

Originally Posted by bos314489

Thanks for your input. I don't feel the need to wait for the day the actual divorce goes through. He and his wife are getting ready to go through the process. There is no hope of getting back together and they are each seeing other people so I don't feel I am getting in the middle of it. And it definitly would not be a quick fix as we were together for about 3 years 20 years ago so there are feelings there for each other.

"I am in deep now and I really don't want for him to break my heart again so I don't know what to do."
"He hasn't said anything to me about any feelings he may have for me still, so I am acting very casual as well."
"I just find myself thinking about him too much and don't know what to do. What do you think?"

Thank you for responding. I am gratified to hear from you personally. I was responding only to the above thoughts. It appeared to be a general question, "what do you think?", to the general population, so I expressed a cautious encouragement & wait & see attitude to it. Perhaps it was a bit too flippant to understand. My apologies.
I was taken aback at being engaged by a third party on your behalf. Being put on the defensive for stating my opinion in a public forum was not what I expected, and would have preferred a simple response from you as my comments were for you only. Had I known otherwise, obviously I would not have said a word. I will be more prudent in future.
And, I do understand quite a bit about How and Why separation/divorce/relationships have a myriad of complications, each being unique unto itself. I don't need the gory details to see you want to be there for this guy, no matter what.
It seems the loftier thoughts of marriage commitment via the promises made to each other were inappropriate here as marriage to him is not the subject. I believe, in general, marriage is taking a beating in our society. So few people are sincere in their vows to each other. I was addressing that & marriage is not what you are interested in here in your questions. I am sorry to have muddled that.
.
The newness of his single state, was a little caution flag to me. Only that.

I did not mean "in the middle" between he & his soon to be ex, but in the middle of his personal emotional melting pot. It was not a determination or judgement that you need to wait until all the dust settles, but having personally seen dozens of divorces, it Always takes a little longer than you think to achieve closure with a marriage when there is someone waiting in the wings, so to speak.
It is just what I have observed, that things don't get dealt with in the same way.
For me, I would want there to be a little more space from the former life, before I declared my feelings, that's all. My opinion again.

Caution was the main thought I was trying to convey. Pardon me if I am appearing to be too thick to understand human dynamics, but I thought you said he broke your heart previously & I was commenting on that aspect.

I am thrilled for you that you get another chance with the one man you clearly want to be with. I hope you get everything you want from this situation & truly live with the happiness you seek. I hope he does too.
All the best to you.