Sharing my boyfriend with his mother.

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. His mother suffers badly with depression due to having a bad relationship with her husband.

I was very sympathetic of this at the start of our relationship, and tried many times to sit and talk to her and try to help.
However it has never worked, she keeps taking her husband back but does not forgive him and they have a terrible relationship.. if that is what you can call it.

It has gotten to the point where she is severly depressed and is an alcoholic. When she is alone she drinks excessive amounts and causes a lot of trouble arguing with her husband or family members.

This is putting a huge strain on my relationship. I am 20 and he is 22, and still lives with his mother. He feels responsible for his mother and does not like to leave her alone at night. I understand him not wanting to leave his mother, and so on occasions I would stop with him, so I can see him.

However the last few times I have stayed we have been up all night. His mother has been wailing and screaming all night, on the phone to various people. She is extremely drunk. My boyfriend has to hide keys and antibiotics from her and stays up all night to ensure she does not do anything stupid.
She will also talk to me about everything, something I feel very uncomfortable with. She will talk for hours and I cannot get away.
This has led to me not wanting to go round and stop. I am currently in my final year of University and really do not need the extra stress.

The worst bit is she will not have any help. We have tried the doctor and mental health teams but she will not answer their calls or go to appointments.

I do not know what to do anymore. It is starting to make me unhappy in the relationship however it is not his fault. I have tried talking to my boyfriend about how uncomfortable I feel and he understands, but it just means I dont get to see him. I understand how hard this must be for him and I dont want to make it any harder, but while she wont accept help I just cant see a solution and it really is making me unhappy.

Sorry if any of this sounds selfish, I just dont know what to do.
Could any of you give me any advice about how to talk to my boyfriend, whether I should stay in the relationship or anything I can do to help his mother.

Thank You and If you've read all that, thank you again!!!

Hello there, and welcome to the board..

Sorry to read about this horrible situation. I don't think you sound selfish for being weary, in fact kudos to you for sticking by for so long at such a young age. That couldn't have been easy.

Am afraid that it may just be a tough choice for you. To stay with your fella with his mum the way she is, or to leave him and get on with your own life. I know it sounds dreadful, but your boyfriend has chosen his mum over his own life, so he's made his decision. I don't mean that to be negative, it's again, very good of him, but that's his choice, not yours even though it affects you both. Oh, and why does her husband keep coming back to this relationship too? Surely he knows this is just not right too.

You're right, if she will not seek any help, then there is little you can do. I don't think a doctor would be able to do anything without her agreeing to anything, and if she is not in danger nobody would step in. She's in a vicious circle and without help, professional help, then she will not be able to get out of it. I think that there will be little you can do - she needs trained specialists and I think some meds/therapy to help with the depression. Its so very sad.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Please remember tho, her actions are ruining many lives, and its up to you if you let her ruin yours too.

Riotgrrrl's answer is exhaustive.

You asked how to talk to the bf... you have already talked to him. No point in talking yet again.

Hell Raee and welcome to PC. You are in a very tough position. As you said, your bf is in a tougher one. He is enabling his mother's behavior. Does he agree that she has a problem? If so, I would suggest that he check out a support group for family members of alcoholics to learn how he can love and support her without enabling her.

I will admit my opinion is biased. But your bf may end up having a dozen gfs or wives during his lifetime, but he will only ever have one mother. It is however a vicious circle. She will not get help as long as there are people around her to pick up the pieces. Loved ones feel the need to pick up the pieces. Everyone one of us comes with baggage. Is this baggage you can deal with? It does not sound like it.

((((Raee)))))

Welcome to PC!!

I can see how difficult this relationship has become for you. It is a very sad and hard situation to be a part of.

I would recommend that you become friends with this guy, instead of bf/gf. #1.) You'd be focusing upon your studies in your senior year (hopefully). #2.) You can still be a friend to your bf & he sure could use one in his corner during hard times! #3.) You don't have to become overwhelmingly involved with the family, to where it's making you emotionally uncomfortable. #4.) When the time comes where you may need to move on to another area, for job or study, the lack of commitment will make it a lot easier. Phone calls and e-mails can still be made between you two, regardless of miles.

That is my personal opinion. It may not be an easy break for you to make, because your bf really does sound like a good guy. But, staying friends could really help him emotionally ~ because there will be those times where he feels frustrated and angry, guilty for feeling this way, and envious...wishing that he could have gone towards his goals in life like you have. Trust me. Those are hard times to feel inside. Especially if he holds resentment towards his father for holding his mom down and making her become so depressed in the first place. There are a lot of emotions that your bf ought to work through, with a T, to help him work through what's happening in his emotional world.

Very best wishes to you! Gentle hugs....

Thank you everyone for your replies, sorry I have not replied sooner it has been a busy couple of days at uni!

I completely understand he'll only ever have one mother, I have never said or wanted him to stay away from her, i have just took myself away from her but that takes me away from him.
I know he is in such a tough position which is why I really dont want to make it harder for him.

I have suggested the support groups before but I will try again.

Thank you again for all your responses, it's nice to be able to talk to people

It is true that he will have one mother and many gf's/possibly many wives. However, you personally - not as a generic gf, but as a unique human being - will still be unique in his life, so he would be well advised to care about your feelings.

I hope that he will go to at least one meeting. I wish you both well.

I guess you'll just have to tell him again, and add if you didn't already, that:

You feel like it affecting your relationship (not just that she stresses you out), and it bothers you that you have to fight for time for your own husband. She has other family members too, that attempt, right? He is not responsible for her alone, no one should have to do that by themselves, nor give up their own life for that person.

I mean, it's not as if he signed up to be her home care and babysitter. I understand depression, but also that I cannot expect one single person to always do everything for me, and I try to share bits with other close people.

He is going to have to realize one day he really will have to choose---and he will probably become resentful to his mother anyway, I think, if he has to give his own life up.

However, if you start seeing him even less, and almost hardly at all and tell him you are feeling lonely and really need him and he still won't understand his own priorities as the only person who can provide intimacy with his partner (His mother's is to get her act together), I guess you have to make the difficult choice.

While it is true our parents matter, they are our elders, and, she isn't old enough to actually require help of the younger generation yet, and it's not fair to her children to lose their futures because of her alcoholism.