[maroda09]

I'm currently in a long distance relationship of 3 months. I met my boyfriend in high school and literally 8 years after we graduated, we randomly reconnected and there was a spark. We all know that long distance relationships come with their own unique set of challenges on top of normal relationship challenges. But I'm struggling with one in particular.

I think I'm smothering my boyfriend with selfish tactics to gain reassurance of the status of our relationship/his feelings for me. He just came up to visit me for the weekend. He was in a tough financial spot so I paid for everything. We had a great weekend until the second half of his last day here. Things started to shift. I knew I was compliment fishing more and coming on strongly with the hopes of getting compliments/flattery/affection in return. I'm sure he picked up on that and needed some space.

I can go from cocky to insecure in 0-5 seconds. On one hand I think I've got it all figured out. I'm responsible, I know what I want and I strive to get it. On the other hand, I, like everyone else in the world, have been hurt many times. I have a history of throwing myself at guys with the hopes they will eventually like me. This relationship started out with a mutual liking, which was great but now I think I'm throwing myself into a growing relationship that just needs time, maturation and communication to grow.

I'm insecure to the point that I need to hear how he feels about me and often. I feel I need some sort of inkling of reassurance regarding our future together. Not put a ring on it future, but just being together. I seriously want to ask him "so, we spent a weekend together alone and it had its ups and downs. Think we can still make this work?" Is that crazy?

I know the first step is self-acceptance. The problem starts with me. How do I communicate these things to my boyfriend?

I'm hoping I didn't ruin things already. :-/

[hamster-bamster]

I can give you my opinion on the part of the question that relates to compliments and affection.

Compliments and statements of feelings first. Compliments and feelings and affection as related in oral speech.

To me, the tone of voice of the person who pays the compliments / talks about feelings etc. is as important as the meaning of the words. Very simple English words, such as "I miss you", can be profoundly moving and forever memorable if uttered without prompting, or can sound unnatural and forced if uttered with prompting. Since I only enjoy the moving and memorable experiences, I do not fish for compliments (or fish for anything else). This is primarily out of self interest because I know that I would not enjoy either a forced compliment or the realization that I asked somebody to slightly supress his free will.

[hamster-bamster]

Apart from self interest, I just feel queasy about anything not done or said out of free will.

Physical affection second.

With that, the simplest route is to start giving physical affection. If the guy immediately and joyously responds by giving you physical affection, you can count this as a successful transaction for your purposes of ascertaining whether he has affection for you. Verbal communication is not needed.

[hamster-bamster]

As a mental exercise for you, consider spending your next weekend with him thinking that it is the last one and then the guy will die a sudden, instant, and completely painless death as a result of a natural disaster without any connection with you.

See if you can find joy in being with him in the moment.

[RomanSunburn]

My husband and I went to high school together and started dating long distance while we were in college. And oh, boy, do long distance relationships come with their own unique problems (in addition to all the normal problems of close proximity relationships).

Was this the first visit you two had since you started dating? How far apart are you two?

I don't think you've ruined things at all. I do think you need to try to talk to him, and let him know what's going on in your head and how you're feeling. Communication is important in any relationship, but becomes even more important in long distance relationships because, quite frankly, that's all you have 90% of the time. I would probably start by telling him how much you enjoyed the weekend, and you're sorry that you got a little clingy/smother-y at the end (if that's how you truly feel). I think it's perfectly fine to say to him what you said here on the forums.

I agree that you do need to give this relationship time to grow and try not to stress too much (easier said than done). Keep up with your own activities and stay involved with friends and hobbies. Don't let yourself focus on him 100% when he's not there.

I think it's a little early to have the talk about ending the distance, but have you thought about it at all?

I'm sorry if that wasn't much help. I really think you do have a good handle on the situation, so I don't think you need to freak out or anything. Just start building communication and trust, and you'll get there. You also need to build some trust in yourself. There's nothing wrong with going to a therapist to get some help building self confidence and learning to feel better about yourself. Try to acknowledge when you're having irrational thoughts, and replace them with rational ones.

Good luck!
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this!