Is this ever going to get better?

I really do not know what to do ... we have started talking realistically about breaking up if things do not get better in the next 6 - 12 months.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8.5 years (living together for 6.5 of those). When we first started dating I made the mistake of telling him about my past which involved several one night stands in close succession after breaking up from my previous boyfriend. He regularly has unwanted thoughts of what I did with those other men and bad dreams along the same line. It is torture for him and in turn for me but we don't know how to make those thoughts go away. We have argued and promised each other we would try to make things better over the years. We have seen several counsellors together and separately with no success.

We desperately don't want to end this and I guess that is why we have stuck with it for so long - maybe we are just stupid for torturing ourselves for so many years.

Does anyone have any suggestions or know of something that has worked in a situation similar to this? Everything else in our relationship makes it too good to leave but I don't think we can live like this forever.

Am afraid I cant think of anything. Unless your boyfriend gets over your past (which was before you met him anyway) and can get his jealousy or whatever it is under control, then I can't see an improvement. Sorry. Its a very sad situation you are in tho, and it seems such a waste to give up.

I'm curious if this has taken on the role of something else? Like.. he returns to these thoughts when he gets upset about other things in the relationship, but because he has this old fall back emotional situation, he goes to that instead of trying to figure out how to feel about the new situation? I've had this happen to me. When I realized it, I started asking myself "Okay, what are you really upset about?" and that helped eventually shift away from thinking about it at all.

I also think he has to truly want to move past these thoughts in order to actually move past them. He has to consciously make an effort to stop himself from thinking these things (which is really hard, I know). Purposely distract himself. He might be using it as... almost self punishment? Or because something about it is making something (subconsciously) feel good or feeding some need he has?

This is really something only he has control over -- there's nothing you can do (or even should feel like you have to do... You've done nothing wrong).

It seems that he imagines very specific physical acts. Take it to the logical extreme - in bed, turn the unwanted thoughts into fantasy and have him be the "other man" and you be whatever you were in his imagination (not reality).

Hopefully it will desensitize him. Do it a lot, ad nauseam.

I think it sounds like he has some jealousy issues that he needs to sort out on his own. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but for me this would be a dealbreaker. I couldn't stay with a man who was obsessed with my past.

I have found research support and a term for my idea:

"4. Paradoxical therapy

What if, instead of trying to suppress a worrying repetitive thought about, say, death, you head straight for it and concentrate on it?

It seems paradoxical that focusing in on a thought might help it go away, but some research suggests this can work. It's based on the long-established principle of 'exposure therapy': this is where, for example, arachnophobes are slowly but surely exposed to spiders, until the fear begins to fade.

This approach is not for the faint-hearted, but research suggests it can be useful when used by those tackling obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior."

8 Ways to Defeat Persistent Unwanted Thoughts — PsyBlog

This link also discusses the obvious reality - thought suppression does not work. "Unfortunately, as many studies have shown, thought suppression doesn't work. Ironically, trying to push thoughts out of mind only makes them come back stronger. It's a very frustrating finding, but one that's been replicated experimentally again and again."

It is bizarre that you and he would go to so many counselors and nobody would tell you that, because it is entirely obvious from personal experience and replicated again and again in research. The question is, what did all of those counselors get paid for??

Since you are saying "we don't know how to make those thoughts go away" here, I assume that you verbalized that to the counselors as well... and nobody has suggested paradoxical therapy? In the world in which pretty much everybody with physical pain has been told at least once to try to focus on feeling the pain rather than trying to not feel the pain? And you guys were not counseled in that fashion, ever?

He should also try:

1) biofeedback
2) metaphor therapy
3) mindfulness - unlike the paradoxical approach with which he would POSITIVE AND ACTIVELY engage in thinking through the unwanted thoughts, Mindfulness would let him NEUTRALLY experience the flow of thoughts without trying to influence them in any way. Mindfulness is extremely popular and pretty much everyone and their brother has been trained in it, so the fact that the counselors have not suggested it is unfathomable
4) journaling - writing down the thoughts and dreams ASAP, in detail

There are other ideas, but try these first.

And no, you did not make any MISTAKE in telling him about the one night stands. Most people would not have reacted the way he did, so you could not predicted his reaction, and your only mistake was that you were not PRESCIENT, but this is not a mistake - it is a shortcoming that many people share with you.

It would have been a mistake to tell him that you had been habitually slitting the throats of innocent infants and then stopped and decided to build a quiet happy life with the bf. After that kind of disclosure, your bf could have been reasonable expected to be haunted by bad dreams.