[maroda09]

Quick background: I'm in a 4 month long long-distance relationship with a guy I went to high school with. We randomly reconnected over Thanksgiving last year and there was a spark. We decided to pursue it even though we knew it would be difficult. I'm in PA and he is in VA so the distance isn't that bad. We talk on the phone a lot, text, Skype occasionally. He came to visit me in PA three weeks ago. I just stayed with him in VA this past weekend because I went to a college reunion thing that is an hour away from his house for the weekend.

The issue(s): He is constantly letting me down. I have no idea if my expectations are too great for this relationship or if its a personality clashing issue. I'm a type-A, planner, always thinking how my actions affect others, worry what others think of me (to the point I won't speak up about certain things and just "suffer" silently). I've been independent for a long time, paying my bills, studying a craft I love in grad school and holding down a decent paying job for the past three years. He is a go-with-the-wind type of person. He's holding down a job but wants a new career every other day. He doesn't plan ahead. He doesn't consider how his actions will affect others. He does what he wants to in the moment and deals with consequences later.

Examples: When he came to visit me in PA, I paid for the trip. He had lost his wallet and he wanted to visit but couldn't afford it. I really wanted to him to come up so I made it his birthday present. I bought him bus tickets and even gave him cab fare to get from his work to the bus stop nearby. He spent the cab money on something else, drove to the bus station, was almost late, parked in employee parking not knowing if his car would be there upon his return, forgot his phone charger and his phone died on the trip up. His bus was late (not his fault) and I was in a sketchy depot for 2 hours waiting for him to arrive. Because he didn't use the cab money so he wouldn't be rushing, he couldn't charge his phone. So I had no idea when his bus would be coming in and sat at the sketchy depot praying to God he would arrive on the next bus. When he finally did come two hours late I flipped with relief and he was nonplussed.

This past weekend, I went to stay with him for the evenings while I did day stuff at a school reunion. I was running late Sunday night and tried to keep in contact with him so he knew about my whereabouts and schedule. I arrived at his house around 11:30pm and called to tell him I was there. He fell asleep. I called 13 times. He left me out in the cold for 45 minutes. I had no way to get into the house, he didn't even tell his roommates I was coming for the weekend so I couldn't ring the doorbell and wake everyone up. I considered trying to sleep in the car. As I was searching for a hotel to check into for the night he finally called. He let me in and fell right back asleep. When we woke up he said he was sorry and kissed me goodbye and went to work. That was that.

What now?: Had he used the cab money for a cab, he'd have not been rushing and could have charged his phone or remembered his charger. Had he set an alarm on his phone knowing I was on my way to his house, he'd wake up to check his messages even if he napped. Its these situations plus the fact I feel I put in at least 75% more effort into this relationship than he does.

But every time an issue comes up, I try to figure out how to talk to him about it and then he redeems himself before I can even bring up the issue. I can't bear the thought of breaking up with him even though he lets me a down a lot. I'm trying to figure out the difference between personal unrealistic expectations and what are normal courteous/affectionate actions I should expect from this relationship. Is this a matter of more awareness on his part or do I want him to change....which is impossible.

Whenever I'm with him I feel like he lights my heart and soul on fire. We've got chemistry and we're very comfortable around each other. But when he leaves I'm just a smoldering abandoned mess....utterly gutted emotionally. I know long distance is hard, I never thought it would be easy....but this is more challenging than I thought and I can't help but think its inadequacy on his end.

Advice, thoughts, "girl, I've been there" are welcome. Thanks.

[Neptune83]

Is there any chance of one of you moving closer in the near future?
I think you do make a good point. I would be angry and upset if that were me waiting forever not knowing when he would turn up, all because he forgot his charger because he was rushing, because he spent the cab fare that you gave him, on something else. That was not on, you gave it to him for travel, nothing else. So that could've been easily avoided. Of course, he may have forgotten it anyway, who knows. Then falling asleep even though he was expecting you, and leaving you out in the cold.. I'd be extremely angry! That one has happened to me before on many occasions in a previous relationship, if you could call it that.
I think it wouldn't kill him to be a tad more thoughtful towards you. Perhaps that's just him and he doesn't think. Can you put up with that? If you imagine life like that for the rest of your life, could you be happy like that? If not, then I would leave things there and try to move on. When I was unhappy in my relationship with my sons dad, my brother told me the rest of my life was a very long time to be miserable for. He was right and I ended things after 11 years so not a decision I took lightly at all, but it was for the best. If you can't be happy like that and you know things won't change, then don't put up with it.

[hamster-bamster]

I am like your guy in terms of forgetting the phone charger and losing material possessions etc. It is not done out of malice - let me assure you of that. Some of these traits can, with time and extreme perseverance, be corrected - I am now quite punctual and I used to be perpetually late everywhere. You are thinking that it is inadequacy on his end - it is, but it is not malicious or intentional. My advice is to never talk to him about it, but, on YOUR end, stop enabling him - if he has lost his wallet, he gets to go through the process of reporting lost credit cards, obtaining a replacement driver's license, and other such steps that are, taken together, the exact opposite of "having a fun time". He does not get to visit you.

been there, and dumped him.

six months later he had changed and we're married now.

but that's because he really loved me and wanted to be better for me, and because we had known each other for years before and had always been friends and actually, he was a lot better about doing his part in the relationship.

however, if he had EVER made me cross a state or two for him and then not answer his phone, leaving me out in the cold for an hour, it'd be over right then and there.

i don't do well with being left out in the cold.

i also don't do well with giving people money for something they're supposed to use for me, and then see nothing out of it. eff that. see, that's happened to me before. long story short, the same man i'm married to pulled that on me, once. once. we didn't speak for a year. he's never doing it again.

this guy you're with...i'd have dumped him long ago. i'm a big proponent of compromise and communication, but there is a line that you just do not cross.

[BonnieG2010]

hi Maroda09
I'm sure he is extra-ordinary: he must be, to counterbalance his avoiding behavior.
This relationship is a roller coaster.
Your post means that you don't like roller coasters.
You cannot change him, you know that, don't you?

Hamster-bamster said that SHE modified her behaviors. You won't change him and he seems quite happy with his way of life.

I understand that after the 'downsì the 'ups' seem so precious and delicious. But you must know that another down is going to follow.

I guess you must chose: roller coaster with him, one day up, next day down or you better try to understand why you think so precious a man like this.

[maroda09]

Thank you all for your replies. I know I can't change him, which is why I'm trying to determine the difference between more awareness on his part and personality traits that just aren't going to budge. I wouldn't want someone to want to change me, so I understand that part.

I also know these things are not intentional, if they were, I'd be able to make my decision easier. Leave him! haha But he's just self-centered and unaware of others sometimes....which unfortunately makes me worry its a personality trait.

I'm putting in way more in this relationship than I'm getting back...which should be a giant red flag. But there is something there, there is a connection, there is chemistry, there is intimacy, there are intelligent conversations, and heartwarming feelings. I'm stupidly hopeful things will work out, as they do sometimes with him but I'm also angry, hurt, and finally starting to doubt the direction this is heading. :-/

I wonder if it would be helpful if I clearly communicate my feelings and concerns to him and see what happens?

[BonnieG2010]

Maybe I not make myself clear enough, of course after the downs the ups are sweeter, extra-ordinary. After the fear of losing him, of being rejected, finding that the bond is there again makes your heart melt.
But this tango has poison in it.

Sincerity is always a good thing.
Did he apologize after leaving you out for 45 minutes? How come he woke up after such a long time?
Please be ready for any reaction from him, means be ready for a yes, for a no, but more probably for words that would not match facts.

[RomanSunburn]

Your story immediately caught my eye. My husband and I went to high school together, reconnected over Thanksgiving break, and started dating long distance (DC to Indiana). And honestly? He was kind of self-centered at the time too. Though, amusingly enough, he broke up with me because I was too much to handle. He eventually figured it out, came crawling back, poetry in hand, some number of months later, and has been better than amazing ever since (not that it's been one perpetual honeymoon -- we've had plenty of rough spots to overcome).

And sure, all that might taint my vision of your relationship a bit, so take everything I say with one huge grain of salt.

I have to agree with the other poster who said to stop enabling him. Paying for his trip, while it was something you also wanted, gave him an easy way out. The cab fare... I would be upset too, but once the money is given as a gift, you can't really say what can and can't be done with it. You can say what you would like to be done with it, but you don't have any real control. You have to feel like you can trust him, and trusting him might include spending the money you give him wisely. And while you've only just started dating, if you continue to date and maybe even get married, how he handles money is going to become even more important. I also get being upset about forgetting his phone charger and making you wait for two hours -- but at the same time, that's done with and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. Fume about it for a while, but eventually let it go, after you've told him calmly how it upset you and in the future, could he please do things a little differently? (For instance, pay phone at the bus terminals along the way, borrowing a cell phone, something).

Now the thing about being left outside for 45 minutes... I don't understand why you couldn't ring the doorbell? It wasn't your fault if you woke everyone in the place up. If his roommates got mad, that's his issue, not yours. You weren't being a bad guest; he was being a bad host. You did everything in your power to reasonably make accommodations for the situation -- there's no need to kill yourself with unnecessary kindness because the dummy fell asleep. What I'm trying to say is you have more control over some of these situations than you think, or will allow yourself to have. Yes, you should be considerate, but you also have to make sure your needs are getting met. And even in a relationship, we still have to watch out for ourselves because there's no guarantee anyone else is doing it for us. (Side note, we're currently in a semi-long distance marriage, and when he gets home after a long week of working, he almost immediately falls asleep... so I totally get the.. 'Hello? Is one kiss really all I'm getting? You don't get to see me that often, why are you falling asleep?!' feeling)

I do think it would be valuable to clearly, and calmly, tell him exactly what you're thinking and feeling. I think once you have that conversation and see how things progress after that, you'll figure out if this relationship is going to work long term or not. And don't close your door to other/new options...whatever those might be.

Sorry if I was absolutely no help at all. I hope things work out the best for YOU. Remember, you = number one priority.

[All about a lady]

There are givers and takers in relationships. I wold be afraid that this pattern would continue. There are chemicals released in our bodies when things are great. These chemicals are very addictive. You have to look at him as a whole, good and bad. Do you want to sign up for a life of this type of behavior ? I would suggest reading Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud. It is an amazing book on deciphering various types of relationships. You also may want to google narcissism. Bless you! Been there...

[Odee]

It is okay for someone to be less organized than you. Cellphone chargers are forgotten and even wallets can be left and for a certain breed of people it never seems like a big deal. A lot of people are like that and really, that's fine, though I would much rather be like you!

However, there is nothing fine with a lack of respect and responsibility. Using your money for a purpose outside of the one you specifically assigned is disrespect. If he decided that he would rather drive his car, then he could have at least given the money back to you. Not being on his toes to make sure that he can receive you when you arrive and provide warmth and shelter is disrespect.