Perhaps it is time I learn to live with feeling lonely indefinitely (i.e. years). On PC I have made enough threads on feeling alone, unlovable, dealing with rejections, and a number of other issues concerning relationships, and I have been seeing Ts for over half of my life. Nothing as made much of a difference, and I expect that I will feel like this for a long, long time to come.

I have often been told that I should check out ‘clubs’ and find those with similar interests as me. Although almost nobody shares my interests, I have become active in some organizations, and while this has been wonderful, it’s only half of what I am really looking for.

Nothing wrong with the individuals from the club I am active in (all of whom are at least 40+ years older than me) but the only thing that connects us is our shared political ideals. Unless it’s about politics than there is almost nothing for us to talk about or share with each other. There is still this emptiness between us. (It’s always puzzled me how interests are described as the ticket to a social life – a lot more is needed than a shared interest to sustain a meaningful relationship.)

What I would really like is someone that I can confide into, trust about personal issues, and who not necessarily shares the same interests but is able to accept and respect what interests I have. Maybe this is asking for too much but I can’t help but feel nostalgic for the relationship I had 5 years ago – she was incredible. She was so respectful, kind, caring, understanding, and I could trust her completely and tell her anything on my mind and I knew I would be safe. It was like a dream come true.

But our relationship soured because her mother hated me and then after my dad killed himself (she went to his funeral with me) it soured more. She then blocked me on FB and never spoke to me again.

And then in 2012 my BFF decided to never talk to me again and I have no idea what caused this. We were friends for the last 5 years and everything was fine until I received a ‘goodbye’ email from her – she’s ignored me since then. So much for her caring about me. Yet others don’t understand why I am skeptical when someone tells me how much they ‘love’ me or think of me as their friend? Nothing like your main support in life dropping you like a rock without an explanation.

(Yes I blame myself for both my BFF and GF leaving me.)

Now I have no one to talk to about these issues other than on PC and a T, although I haven’t seen my T for weeks, since I don’t believe talking about it like that makes a difference, and I have kind of withdrawn from PC too.

It’s hard to explain this but I feel my best when I can be an ‘open book’ – I can share whatever it is on my mind, what happened to me, how I feel, etc. and feel safe doing so. Whenever I have to bottle something inside of me because I don’t feel I can express it to someone safely, I feel like there is a knot inside of me, and I can’t relax that knot. It’s like being forced to hold your breath indefinitely – the longer you hold it the worse it becomes. When I do find someone that I trust, even if I only recently met them, I can sometimes flood them with all this bottled up information, which never seems to end well.

So I suppose how do I deal with the above issue for indefinite periods of time? I definitely do write things down – I have a 600+ page diary – but I find that doesn’t help that much. I don’t feel much of a release from writing it down unless someone reads it, otherwise all I am doing is talking to myself.

Since I believe I am unlovable and I have given up on finding someone that can love me, maybe I can learn to be able to live alone indefinitely and still feel okay .

[NWgirl2013]

Aw! ... Mr V ~ you know I think you're wonderful! But you are right, all us people on here are a little removed from your reality. Guess we will have to keep brainstorming ... sorry you are not happier today ...

[shezbut]

(((Mr. V)))

I do understand what you're saying. I can relate a lot to your difficulty in trusting others and being very hesitant to open up again. My only sources of comfort are my T's and my daughters (sometimes my bf fills that void within myself, but not very often at all). I do gain some comfort and relief of my loneliness online, but certainly not as much as if it were IRW. That remains to be a sad reality for me.

I continue to try to make friends IRW, hoping that others will understand me & connect emotionally. But, it isn't easy. I do have a lot of issues from my past that haunt me, perhaps that's a barrier that I unconsciously hold up to protect myself.?? I wish that I knew! I have always had a problem with opening up to other people, trusting them, and feeling acceptance.

I just wanted you to know that I understand how lonely you are feeling, and to assure you that you aren't alone at all in feelings like these. I struggle nearly every day, feeling like I'm always an outsider. Not fun!

Gentle hugs to you...

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

(It’s always puzzled me how interests are described as the ticket to a social life – a lot more is needed than a shared interest to sustain a meaningful relationship.)
...
What I would really like is someone that I can confide into, trust about personal issues, and who not necessarily shares the same interests but is able to accept and respect what interests I have.
...
It’s hard to explain this but I feel my best when I can be an ‘open book’ – I can share whatever it is on my mind, what happened to me, how I feel, etc. and feel safe doing so. Whenever I have to bottle something inside of me because I don’t feel I can express it to someone safely, I feel like there is a knot inside of me, and I can’t relax that knot. It’s like being forced to hold your breath indefinitely – the longer you hold it the worse it becomes. When I do find someone that I trust, even if I only recently met them, I can sometimes flood them with all this bottled up information, which never seems to end well.
...
Since I believe I am unlovable and I have given up on finding someone that can love me, maybe I can learn to be able to live alone indefinitely and still feel okay .

Hi again - 4 answers re the 4 points quoted above -

Interests are supposed to provide a comfortable context in which to get to know someone. I don't share my husband's main interests - engineering and computing science. It's like hard sudoku to me, just trying to understand what he's excited about each day. However, we share values and recreational activities and we don't want kids. Shared values with someone in your appropriate age bracket is what you should be looking for. Compatibility. What are the ingredients of compatibility? Values are what a life is based on. Get to know yours and those of other people. This takes time.

What you would really like is not at all unreasonable.

Yes, you would like to be an open book. Many of us aspies would understand that completely. However, you need to understand that most people don't work that way. It takes time and careful and gradual exposure to get to know someone deeply enough in a way that is safe for them. You can't just think of your preferences, or people will run. I have always revealed too much too soon in the past. It's a classic error leading to fail.

Yes, I think you could do that, but it would be more sensible to give up this unrealistic belief you are unloveable. You should not believe that is true just because you have no proof otherwise. That kind of proof may work in math, not in reality. In reality, that is no proof. Just accept the indefinite time period by using it to get to know people as friends. Put the gf thing out of the way. That's what I did for 10 years, and I learned a bit about people, which as an aspie really needed to survive in the world. Highly recommended use of the down time from relationship seeking. And a relationship developed from an unlikely friendship, for me, because my eyes and mind were open.

PS did you mention you were on disability or alternatively that you thought you could make a lot of $$? If the former, that is a barrier to many people. If the latter, it can attract the wrong people. Values, compatibility, and friendship are the way to go, I believe.

[Leed]

Hi Mr. Venomous ~ I've always thought you were an incredibly caring person. I wish you'd trust me as a friend. We could talk about anything you'd like to talk about -- if you'd like. You can message me anytime.

It's no fun living alone all the time. I do too, and believe me it can get lonely. I've pretty much gotten used to it, but sometimes it "gets to me." Oh, my son lives with me, but that's different. I can't very well talk to him about most things. LOL

I am glad you joined some groups. That's good to hear. AT least you're getting out now.

I still think you'll find someone. It might take time, but you will.

Remember, message me if you want to talk. I'll be here. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee