[scaredandconfused44]

Hey all- This is my first time doing any kind of blogging or anything like this but after a lifetime of seeking help from professionals I finally came across something terrible in my life that I can't even approach them about. About a year ago my husband and I split, and I started dating a new man. I found out early in our relationship that he had had sex with other men before his relationship with me. He would go online and find men to have sex with and meet up, he says he did this because he felt unwanted and this was an easy way for him to feel wanted. He said he was not gay but probably bisexual although he had a hard time with that word too. This was something I was willing to accept and move past, and to be quite honest I even thought it was somewhat of a turn on. Now I am 39 weeks pregnant with his child (yes, it happened very quickly) and I find out that 2 weeks ago he was having these thoughts again about being with other men (sometimes I think I am the reason for those thoughts because like I said I am turned on by this for some reason and I actually look at gay porn every once in a while which he knows about) but he decided he was going to act upon these thoughts and cheated on me with another man. He went behind my back and found him on a website and met up with him to have sex...while I am 37 weeks pregnant with his daughter. Although I had to discover this on my own-quite easily like he wanted me to find out-, he admitted to it right away and said he did not know why he did it. He said there has been so much stress in our relationship and basically anytime he has something good he has a bad habit of ruining it. I love this man and I know he is not gay and that he loves me also and wants to have a family with me. But he cheated on me! With a man! While I'm pregnant! I don't even know what to think about this, I am so hurt and devastated to think about him needing something else sexually even though he says I am everything he needs (and I have never doubted that during sex). I know that in his mind he was justifying himself since he knows I enjoy it, but obviously the difference is that he actually acted upon his thoughts and went through with it. I really hope and pray there is someone, anyone in the world out there that can relate to this horrible experience in anyway. I am going to have his baby any day now, and I have no friends and family to turn to in this situation (as you can imagine). Please help...and please don't be rude I know that this can be a very sensitive situation for some. Please understand that I am in love and starting a family with this man. Thanks for anyone that is willing to give me their advice and opinions.

[Travelinglady]

That is a tough situation. Can anybody relate? If so, then please respond.

Many moons ago, I started to date a chap. Funny, fun to be with and it was all going well. Then he told me that he also dated men. I initially thought that it would be ok, as if he was in a relationship with them then who am I to judge? But no, it turned out that he just hooked up with random men, for just sex. He had sex in cars, woods and car parks. He didn't know them and never saw them again.

So I stopped dating him. Maybe I am too conservative, but being in a relationship with men is ok on some level because it would (probably) have been about love, but just hooking up with random strangers was too much for me. I would've said the same if he had a ton of one-night stands with women too. It also would've put me in danger sexually had we gone that far. I was grateful he was honest, but he was very bitter and nasty to me when I broke it off.

So I can relate, kinda. You stayed with your man, whereas I ran. What I do know tho, is that he cheated on you. It's actually not important that it was a man on some level, he cheated which is a super no-no.

I can't tell you what to do, and you've already declared that you love this man which tells me that you will stick by him. So what is it you want? Putting your emotions aside, what would you say to a dear friend if you found out she was cheated on?

He has a strong desire for men, so I doubt that this will be the last time. To say that he did it to feel wanted is one thing, but here you are being the person who wants and loves him, and yet he did it again. He then says he is stressed in your relationship but he should try and sort that out with you rather than go find a man. These seem like excuses really and I think he should accept who he is as its better than sneaking around and hurting those who love him.

Good luck.

[Leed]

Hi Scared ~ Bless your heart. While I have not had this happen, I do understand. You see, I don't see the difference between cheating with another woman, or another man. A cheater is a cheater. What is the difference?

You love this man, and he says he loves you. But he also has this "urge" to be with other men. Well, there are straight men who have "urges" to be with other women too, when they're in relationships. Do you think women should stay with a man who cheats on them with other women?

Honey, regardless if he's cheating with women or men --- he's still a cheater!!! And he's still going to cheat on you! He's NOT going to stop!!

You are going to have his baby. Do you want to bring up this baby with a father who runs around with other men? Is that appropriate for a child? NO. And you are NOT going to make this man STOP cheating!!!

Take the baby and run. Start over again, sweetie. I'm sorry this has happened to you -- but it did, and it's happened to millions of women who's men have cheated on them, whether it's with other women OR men. A cheat is a cheat -- it doesn't matter with who.

God bless you my friend, and please take care of you and that precious baby. Hugs, Lee

[lynn P.]

I agree with the other posters and the main issue is his cheating, especially with random men...which puts you at risk (STDS). I also think there's denial on his and your part - he might be bisexual or denying he's gay. He's not just straight IMO. I support the gay community so that's not why I'm mentioning this, but its an important part of your problem. You need to decide, can you live with what he's done and will you tolerate it again? These impulses are very strong. He's tried to give you reasons why he goes with men, instead of saying the truth. For now though concentrate of your baby and best of luck having a healthy birth.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused44

Hey all- This is my first time doing any kind of blogging or anything like this but after a lifetime of seeking help from professionals I finally came across something terrible in my life that I can't even approach them about.

I know you did not want people who cannot relate responding, and I cannot relate to the situation, but I just wanted to say that there is absolutely nothing about the situation that warrants being afraid to talk it over with the professionals who are trying to help you; moreover, if you want to the professionals to be able to help you, you really, really should not withhold critically important information from them - they will not read your mind, for the most part.

Since you said that " I have no friends and family to turn to in this situation (as you can imagine).", the professionals are really the only live people in your RL to turn to with this; do not shut down this channel.

[hamster-bamster]

I am posting because I can relate to the timing. When I was 30+ weeks pregnant with my second child (who, like yours, was a result of a speedy train of events - I met her father in February and married him and conceived her in August of the same year), something very very very stressful happened. The content of my stress bears no resemblance to the content of your stressful situation, but the timing was the exact same as yours.

I went to my regular OB-GYN appt at 36.5 weeks gestation. My situation was all of a sudden critical: I had no waters. None at all.

Prior to that the pregnancy was completely uneventful and unremarkable.

The OB-GYN induced me same day and I delivered my daughter in a couple of hours, with extremely painful contractions. The natural contractions (as experienced with my first and third child) are like waves - they go up and down, up and down, giving you relief during the down time. The induced contractions are not like waves - it is just one torturous contraction, with no "down" - at least, in my experience.

I think that the situation was not coincidental - in other words, I lost the fluids due to extreme stress. It cannot be proven, but that is what I think.

So to your situation now: I think you should immediately call the midwife or Ob-GYN - whoever manages your prenatal care and is planning to deliver your baby - and tell them that you are going through an extraordinarily stressful situation at home (no need to go into details, although I assure you that if you were to go into details, nobody would be surprised because they have seen this and worse in their practices already). Ask to be checked immediately.

Then, revise your birth plan. If you planned to have the man in attendance, think about whether you still want him in attendance.

Finally, although you have precious little time to pick one now, consider hiring a doula. I have never had a formal doula, but my third birth was attended at home by a midwife who acted like a doula - she literally held me in her arms. The experience of having your birth attended with such personal care is amazing and the difference between that and the regular, impersonal assembly line birth is that of night and day. Most people who have hired doulas report high levels of satisfaction. Since you have been through a lot, recently, it really makes sense to treat yourself well with extra TLC by hiring a doula.

Please focus on creating the best birth experience for yourself and the baby - men are available in large quantities and you will have other men in your life, but, if you are like an average woman, you will only give birth a couple of times in your lifetime and that would be all, so it makes sense to refocus from the situation with the current man to the upcoming birth.

Hugs to your big belly and best of luck. Please keep us updated on how it goes.

[IowaFarmGal]

I just want to add something on behalf of your daughter. I had a friend that married a man like this. Their son is very insecure because his father periodically takes off with another man and he is afraid each time his father is never coming back. Also I would be afraid of passing HIV to the infant. If he is having unprotected sex with you maybe also with the men?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Also I would be afraid of passing HIV to the infant. If he is having unprotected sex with you maybe also with the men?

A very good point.

UNICEF - Nutrition - HIV and Infant Feeding - a lot to think about.

Add Hepatitis B to that:

CDC - Viral Hepatitis - Gay and Bisexual Men's Health

[thunderbear]

Scared, my ex husband wasnt bi, but he cheated on me with my sister while I was 7 months pregnant all the way up until our son was 3 months old. I was on doctor ordered bedrest & my sister moved in to help with cleaning and cooking. He also cheated on me with my stepsister & tried with my cousin & cheated with my neighbors wife. A cheater is a cheater regardless of whom they cheat with. And, while I do believe that cheaters can change, to keep doing it or looking for hook ups online, is a good indicator that he has no intention of stopping. It is very emotionally dangerous for you. And its potentially life/health threatening to you & your unborn daughter. Im ashamed to admit this, but 7 years ago I had an affair. And altho my husband has forgiven me, theres a lot of anger on his part (understandable)& it interferes with our marriage on a daily basis. Even though you feel that you can accept your fiances infidelity, it will always be in the back of your mind. Ive been on both ends of infidelity and its damaging and gets more so as time goes on. I hope you can make the right decision for the long term instead of for the here & now. Because you dont want to be stuck with someone youll never be able to fully trust. Its horrible on both of you guys. Take good care of yourself and your baby girl.