[heartbroken10]

Hi everyone,

Me and my boyfriend are together for almost a year now and his ex girlfriend from 5 years ago has recently contacted him saying he might be the father of her 5 years old son. They were only together for like a month and she slept with another guy as well so she doesn't know who the father is. Apparently she doesn't want anything from him she just want to find out who the father is. My boyfriend had no idea he is the potential father and all these years she never mentioned it to him. He done the dna test so we should find out tomorrow hopefully but I'm just really worried that it's gonna affect our relationship.

I'm scared that if he is the dad he will prioritize his son and not our future. Which might sound selfish but I can't imagine us building our future now because he will spend all his money and time on the kid.

Please anyone in the same situation or something similar help me

Thank you

[shezbut]

(((heartbroken)))

Yep, I've been there. It is a very difficult position to be in.

My ex-hub and I were engaged when this happened, and the baby was 3 years old. He got the test, and it was 99.9% sure that he was the father. I was devastated, really! I worried that he would decide to leave me and go to his ex & be a happy father....Well, that didn't happen.

My ex-hub was deemed legally responsible to pay the county back for while his ex was on Medicare, and he had to pay for any other bills that popped up. His ex gf, however, was insistent that he have nothing to do with his son, ever. She threatened to take off with her son if he ever was allowed to see him. {That was pretty messed up!}

He sent birthday cards and gifts every year, signed Santa. Most were returned, but a couple were held onto. Many years passed by and my ex-hub's son is now an adult. He is married, and has a couple of kids himself. He found my ex on Facebook amazingly when he was 19 years old and in love with his gf. They're slowly working on building the relationship they never had....but they're many miles apart. Someday they'll meet in person.

[Leed]

Hello ~ Sorry to say, but your bf has every RIGHT to know this child IF in fact he is the father. The mother of the child says she doesn't want anything from him, but the STATE will decide otherwise. If your bf IS the father, the STATE will make it mandatory that he pay child support, whether the mother wants it or not! That's true in most states, if not ALL.

IF your bf is the father, he SHOULD petitition for parental rights. This child DESERVES a father in it's life! Since this happens ALL the time in this country, so many children have no father in their lives, and it effects them tremendously. My granddaughter is in THERAPY today because of it, and she's lucky!!! 99% of these kids don't GET therapy. They have to grow up knowing that their father didn't give a darn about them.

So if your bf has any conscience at all, since HE helped MAKE this child -- he will make SURE he's in this child's life if in fact he IS the father. The mother CANNOT keep him out of the child's life, by law! All he has to do it petition the court -- and if she keeps him away from the child, she can be in deep trouble, and even LOSE the child.

You should be supporting your bf in this, as you COULD be a good step mother to this child if it IS his. Give him the support he needs - don't worry about the relationship now. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

Leed,

I do understand your passionate interest in this topic and looking at things from the child's perspective. Of course the child's best interests are a top priority! However, your post sounds angry to me, as though you're attacking her.

Heartbroken is merely expressing her thoughts and fears. That's perfectly valid ~ she has every right to feel a bit concerned and wonder about her future with her fiance. I tried to be very mindful of her needs in my response, rather than delve too far into my own experience with the issue. Her fiance wouldn't have gotten genetic testing done if he didn't want to know if he is the father ~ right?

I went through a very emotional time back with my ex-hub when the test results came in. I felt all sorts of emotions! A big part of me was scared to lose him, another part was worried how we'd ever be able to afford having our own family and pay child support, and then another large part was infuriated that my fiance had no rights.

"Fathers of America" is a support group aimed towards men in this situation, but back then, their aim was to support married men. My ex was never married to the mother, so they wouldn't help him. There were no other groups lending emotional support or courthouse guidance so that he could gain some parental visitation rights. It was a horrible situation!! Especially for me ~ because there was nothing that I could do ~ *Joe wasn't my child. And *Joe's mom was very serious when she threatened to leave if my ex ever tried to see his son. It was f'ed up, and tore me up inside!

My ex wasn't trying to be a loser dad that didn't give a hoot ~ he cared very deeply about *Joe. I cared about Joe. We were in a horrible situation! So, please don't assume that all fathers who don't see their children don't care. A lot of times, the moms take off without ever sharing the news with the men in the first place, and that is wrong too!!

To me, the situation with Heartbroken sounds encouraging for the son. At least the mom finally came forward to share that he may be the father. That is good! That means that if he is the father, he can work on establishing a decent relationship with his son & that will be wonderful!

Heartbroken, I do wish you and your fiance the very best. It takes some time to adjust and accept the differences, but it can be done if you truly do love him. There will be changes if he is the father, but it is emotionally rewarding to you as well. Please do let us know what the lab test results are. I'll be there for you!

Sorry about all this going on, must've been a real shock to you both.

I agree with both posters above. It's a heck of a time for you all, but I also think it's really important to remember the kid too - he's stuck in the middle of all this. He's the innocent little thing in all this and didn't ask to be born in these circumstances.

I hope that if your fella is the father, that you all manage to sort things out for the best. Sure, it will effect your relationship with your fella, but it doesn't have to be for the worse. It's just going to be different. Keep talking, keep working together. Let yourself voice some of your fears so he can listen to you, but if you can, show support and understanding to your fella too.

Originally Posted by heartbroken10

I'm scared that if he is the dad he will prioritize his son and not our future. Which might sound selfish but I can't imagine us building our future now because he will spend all his money and time on the kid.

The above you wrote. I think you may be worrying about nothing - but time will tell of course. But if you guys are strong for each other, I can see no reason why he can't build a future with you in it too. Sure, he'd hopefully be there for the boy, but am positive he's enough time and love for you too. You, as everyone else in this, will have to learn to adapt to the new situation if you want to be with him.

Wishing you and yours all the best

Hugs

[heartbroken10]

First of all thank you very much for your replies, I really appreciate it

We found out he is the father. And he never thought of not getting involved in his son's life. He met him yesterday for the first time and he said it was really hard... my problem is that this woman is evil. She has another son from my boyfriend's friend and she told him he can only see his son if he take the other child as well (my bf's son) so all these years my bf's friend was taking care of his son too. So the child is now confused... which is horrible because it's not his fault. So we already know that this woman will play games. She will wait until my bf has a connection with his son and she will use him. I don't have any idea how can we prevent that. I know it's gonna affect our life but we have to be really strong to get through this. I believe that our relationship is strong but I know we gonna have to sacrifice from now on and I don't know when are WE gonna be able to start our own family

Thanks again and if anyone has any advice for us please share it

Quote " Please anyone in the same situation or something similar help me"

What exactly is it that you want help with? I have been in the same situation, and I imagine perspective is the essential element here.