Need Help Forgiving

Two years ago I found on my boyfriend of three years' cell phone these apps of "busty babes" etc. scantily clad women and two years ago I told him how much that bothered me (I was raised in a family where none of the males would ever do this, totally against our values) and he said he wouldn't. A few days ago I found out that his friend was texting him pics of naked or very near naked women and my bf was joking about them, encouraging them and even asking for specific ones. He broke his word to me and went behind my back for two years.

Also a few years ago he lied to my face and went to the strippers with his friend. When I asked him where he had been (even though I knew my mom had seen my car) he lied. He keeps doing things behind my back and lying to me and breaking my trust.

I think I love him and he is a good guy (he is pretty solicitous overall of me often showing me affection and appreciation) but how can I trust him when he keeps proving that he will do what he wants and if I get upset about it he will just do it behind my back? What words can I use to make him understand that the issue is not my insecurity and not me being controlling but him breaking my trust and betraying me without coming off as nagging?

I'm not sure I'm going to stay with him because I'm not sure that I can trust him or forgive him but I'd like to try. Also he hasn't yet taken responsibility for what he did and I'm so angry. I want to stop being angry and find out if I can forgive him.

Is it a matter of forgiving over the porn? He's not taken responsibility for it, which to me tells me that he's not sorry. He's been going behind your back for two years, that tells me his attitude to porn. People have different levels of tolerance to porn, and it sounds like you both will never agree on this subject. If it's something he truly seems as harmless fun, he will never understand how it upsets you.

Lying over the strippers is awful and should be sorted out but it may be a case where neither of you will ever get the other to see each others viewpoint, so it may be one of those situations where nothing moves on, and you just keep getting lied to. Only you can decide if you accept him for what he is so he doesn't lie, or find someone who shares the same values as you, or is mature enough to put you first if this situation ever arises again.

I am sorry that you've been hurt, and I hope you do whatever is right for you.

Hugs.

I agree with riotgrrrl. This is something that the two of you are never going to agree on.

What he's doing is basically "just for fun." He's not touching these girls -- you haven't found any proof that he has really cheated on you. All you've found are pictures of girls. And he's lied to you over and over about these things, which is the worst part. To me, lying is awful. I can deal with ANYTHING but a lie. I see no reason for lying.

Since it's obvious that he's going to continue to lie to you, I don't really see much of a future for the two of you. You two have different values, a different moral ethic. That is a major problem in a relationship. When you can't agree on that, there really is no use in going on.

This is just my opinion, but I think you'd be better off by finding someone who believes in the same morals and values as you. You'll have a much better and stronger relationship than the one you are in now, and it will last longer!

I wish you the very best -- please keep us posted as to what happens, okay? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

That is exactly what my mother said too. We keep fighting about it, he told me I need to get over it and I told him he needs to give me a reason too. It feels like it's a constant back and forth and it's true, he doesn't share my values but I could accept that if he was willing to respect them. And Leed, I'm with you it's not the girls I care about so much it's the lying, he sees nothing wrong with lying to me about whatever, maybe he never has cheated on me maybe he never will but if he did he would lie about it anyways.

You want to forgive him, but that is a luxury you do not have until he is sincerely sorry for his actions. Which by the sound of it, sadly does not show any sign of that being the case, or that changing in the near future. You want to stop being angry, which is a noble desire, but do not give it where it's not deserved. In my view, he deserves your being angry as long as he's not sincere.

Stop and think: does he genuinely enjoy the time you two spend together? Does he seem to genuinely be in love with you, or just show you affection? It is very easy to show love and affection for someone for whom you have no feelings for. What you should try and do is determine if he's actually in love with you. If he's not, then he's being disingenuous to you and wasting your time by not conveying his disinterest and leaving.

If he really has fallen out of love, I'm guessing it's unlikely his interest will return. You want to have a loving relationship with him, but do not pursue that unless you have absolute surety that he shares that desire as well. Do not fall into the trap of wanting to make things work with someone whom does not sincerely share that same goal.

What exactly did you mean by saying that?..

Showing love and affection to someone is one thing. Doing the laundry for them, serving them breakfast in bed, giving them hugs and kisses when you see them, etc. These are examples of showing love and affection. They're physical actions, so they're easy to fake if there're not genuine feelings behind them.

If you're in love with a person, however, that's not so easy to fake. You are emotionally connected to the other person, you cry or feel terrible when they express their hurt to you, you honestly miss being around them when you're not, and you make great sacrifices for them for their better interest, such as sincerely trying to give up bad habits or addictions. Sometimes these things are not so easy to detect as showing love and affection, but they can be realized through intuition and one's own feelings.

I hope that clears it up.

that makes a lot of sense iamnobody, he does show me a ton of affection but he doesn't really seem to value me, if he did he would feel worse when he hurt me and sacrificing something so trivial would not be such a big deal. Maybe our relationship has fallen into habit now more then love.

No, sorry, it does not as I still do not see what would be the fakeable showings.