[WindGuru]

Hey everyone, this is my first post.
It will be hard to describe this all in detail, as well as giving it the balanced and un-biased description it needs. I've always suffered from low self-esteem, shyness and the effects of aspergers.

I've recently ended, or had to end, a 5 year friendship with my "best" friend. It's been hard, especially because I know what has strained our relationship has been my behaviour and the things I've done in the past to her (nothing vast in the grand scheme of things, but I have broken her trust). With continued arguments and disagreements and frustration on both sides she decided she didn't want to speak to me. I've relied upon her for a LONG time for satisfaction and happiness, being unable to make my own or connect to other "friends" (I don't even know what "makes" a friend, best friend, close friend, etc) for years. I did/do appreciate her friendship and her, but I've also come to rely on her and get a feeling of power from her. Even her friends don't want to speak to me now (to the extent that their blogs online that I follow are now "off-limits")

I don't mind all this. I've agreed to a lot of things though it sure was hard trying to "wean" myself off from ANY contact with her. I appreciate this period may last for months/years as she said. It doesn't depress me quite as much as it did this time a month ago when we discussed this, but it still does leave a regret. It's hard for me to accept that it was MY fault in a way and that I was being toxic here.

It's hard to cope with feeling jealous when I see her and her friends having fun (I realise this emotion isn't great, since I do honestly wish her well) and also hard to cope when I know she's down and I can't help her like I used to. Still, I appreciate her need for space. Having low self esteem it's hard to hear what people dislike about you and still think that you're good--though I'm working on that. It's especially frustrating since I felt that for the first time in my life I had a connection with someone, and now because of my actions (unintended and non-malicious) I've gone back to how I was when I was 12: completely alone. Especially when I still greatly admire this girl, I wish her well, and I'm interested in many of the same things she is. It's hard to describe the nature of our connection but it was me and her speaking every night for 5-8 hours for 5 years.

I can't replace something like that overnight, and I have little idea about how to go and find friends outside her. I'm pushing ahead with that though. More than anything I struggle with the feeling of feeling worthless because someone has let me go because I've been toxic--it makes me feel toxic too, and like I'll hurt whoever comes close to me. It's also been hard because I'm in a Uni a LONG way away from my parental home and for the first time in my life (I'm a Masters student) I need to keep myself going and fend for myself--and now I'm realising it was wrong to do this course this year, though it is fun now I'm doing it. I also relied such much upon this friend this year that I didn't make any other friends, and now it's almost May and since I'm only in this Uni until September other people have already found their friends.

My friend said that she would like to speak to me again sometime and her friends have hinted at the same (since something kept us going), hence why she calls this break a break in her own words, and I appreciate our friendship won't be the same again (though that doesn't mean it needs to be worse), but I'd like to hope that I won't be kept at an arm's length.

[Travelinglady]

Hi and welcome! I am sorry you and your friend have had to part ways, especially after you and she spent so much time talking and you were really relying on her.

I don't need to remind you that folks with your diagnosis generally have a harder time connecting with people, and it takes someone who is willing to deal with whatever "quirks" you might have to form a bond.

I wasn't there to hear what she said to you, but a "break" can possibly mean not seeing or talking to someone for awhile, in the sense of using the word in a way such as "I am taking a break from studying." So, you will just have to give it some time--leaving her alone. I assume she told you what you did/said that distressed her so much.

Meanwhile, I can imagine you're lonely, given being away from home and in a new environment. But do try to get out where people are, such as a coffee shop or even the dining hall and see if anybody is willing to accept you. You can try to put into play your social skills. Congrats on being in a Master's program, BTW.

I do hope your friend will eventually reach out to you again.

I wish most people had such amazing self-awareness and are as honest as you :-) It's such a wonderful way to be.

Am sorry that your friendship is taking a break, but just by all you've written, I think when you do get back in touch, your friendship will be different - and probably better because you're so honest with yourself and will probably try to make the changes needed when you can. For that reason too, I don't think you'll be toxic with any new friendships either.

Really pleased too that you're pushing ahead with making new friends despite how you're feeling. Kudos where its due. Have you tried any uni clubs? I know when I was at uni there were clubs or extra classes we could take (classes just for the fun of it that are just a few weeks long like a photography class etc) Perhaps you could meet more people who like the same things as you there. Will you be going home for the summer holidays? Maybe a recharge may help pick you up too.

Hugs

[WindGuru]

Well, I've gone and ****ed it up forever :/

My old friend and me spoke two days ago. We had a nice chat, and I told her I was moving on nicely, but it has been hard. Later that night I posted on my blog this little thing:

"I think I still take some sort of pleasure in realising that she’s doing less well than me."

I was knackered. Completely so from a long day and a difficult but nice conversation, which I was sure showed us on the up. I didn't mean what I said, I more meant that I've been struggling with not feeling jealous of her skills, and happy when I have skills of my own that she doesn't have. Which isn't right, and, if I'm being honest with myself, I've always thought was wrong.

For whatever reason I couldn't admit this to her though. It didn't enter my head. My thoughts were confused when I was speaking to her, and I genuinely thought I had nothing left to say. It was only once the smoke had cleared that I realised I had some more baggage I wasn't ready to share with her. None of these are excuses for the fact that it seems as I've betrayed her and backstabbed her, and for that I'm sorry.

She won't listen though. She outright told me she never wants to speak to me again, and that she's upset because she really wanted to become close again, but "congrats, you ****ed it up" by backstabbing her on my diary (which I gave her access to months ago...perhaps a mistake, darn it), because in her eyes it seems as if I'm degrading her improvements recently. She also picked up on the fact I've been drunk by myself after we split. I never claimed to be proud of that, but this is the reason why I've tried to keep my diary semi-private: it's full of things that I do, not which I'm necessarily proud of. Since that time I was drinking heavily (for me), which was several weeks if not a whole month ago, I've come on leaps and bounds and stopped that behaviour, because I've had time to realise it was wrong.

In fact I didn't tell her about feeling jealous/prideful for the same reasons I didn't tell her about my drinking: it just didn't feel right in the conversation then. For what its worth now, I did plan to tell her at a future date.

I'm sorry for my mistake, and I feel angry at myself, but also at her for being pigheaded and not asking me what I meant and for cutting me off when I was trying to explain on facebook (though perhaps I should have taken a hint: she said she wasn't interested in hearing and didn't care).

I blame myself for not being able to bring up this baggage then. I blame myself because she WANTED to be close buddies again, and so did I!

It's horrible, because she really was great with me. I believe that sometimes you just meet people who are right for you. Not perfect, but great, and you don't meet many of them. I'll still love my friend to the day I die, but to her I'll now always be "that **** who blew things up, congratulations".

[tnt4lyfe72]

Originally Posted by WindGuru

Hey everyone, this is my first post.
It will be hard to describe this all in detail, as well as giving it the balanced and un-biased description it needs. I've always suffered from low self-esteem, shyness and the effects of aspergers.

I've recently ended, or had to end, a 5 year friendship with my "best" friend. It's been hard, especially because I know what has strained our relationship has been my behaviour and the things I've done in the past to her (nothing vast in the grand scheme of things, but I have broken her trust). With continued arguments and disagreements and frustration on both sides she decided she didn't want to speak to me. I've relied upon her for a LONG time for satisfaction and happiness, being unable to make my own or connect to other "friends" (I don't even know what "makes" a friend, best friend, close friend, etc) for years. I did/do appreciate her friendship and her, but I've also come to rely on her and get a feeling of power from her. Even her friends don't want to speak to me now (to the extent that their blogs online that I follow are now "off-limits")

I don't mind all this. I've agreed to a lot of things though it sure was hard trying to "wean" myself off from ANY contact with her. I appreciate this period may last for months/years as she said. It doesn't depress me quite as much as it did this time a month ago when we discussed this, but it still does leave a regret. It's hard for me to accept that it was MY fault in a way and that I was being toxic here.

It's hard to cope with feeling jealous when I see her and her friends having fun (I realise this emotion isn't great, since I do honestly wish her well) and also hard to cope when I know she's down and I can't help her like I used to. Still, I appreciate her need for space. Having low self esteem it's hard to hear what people dislike about you and still think that you're good--though I'm working on that. It's especially frustrating since I felt that for the first time in my life I had a connection with someone, and now because of my actions (unintended and non-malicious) I've gone back to how I was when I was 12: completely alone. Especially when I still greatly admire this girl, I wish her well, and I'm interested in many of the same things she is. It's hard to describe the nature of our connection but it was me and her speaking every night for 5-8 hours for 5 years.

I can't replace something like that overnight, and I have little idea about how to go and find friends outside her. I'm pushing ahead with that though. More than anything I struggle with the feeling of feeling worthless because someone has let me go because I've been toxic--it makes me feel toxic too, and like I'll hurt whoever comes close to me. It's also been hard because I'm in a Uni a LONG way away from my parental home and for the first time in my life (I'm a Masters student) I need to keep myself going and fend for myself--and now I'm realising it was wrong to do this course this year, though it is fun now I'm doing it. I also relied such much upon this friend this year that I didn't make any other friends, and now it's almost May and since I'm only in this Uni until September other people have already found their friends.

My friend said that she would like to speak to me again sometime and her friends have hinted at the same (since something kept us going), hence why she calls this break a break in her own words, and I appreciate our friendship won't be the same again (though that doesn't mean it needs to be worse), but I'd like to hope that I won't be kept at an arm's length.

Im sry bout ur situation w/ ur friend i recently ended a 5 yr w a friend she destroyed me tho she is w my ex boy friend him n i just split a month ago n they r living together already!they both broke my heart i hope they will be happy cuz i am def not.gl and u'll be ok in time.

[WindGuru]

Thanks for the support.

Perhaps the most infuriating thing to me is that I can understand why she would think I'm backstabbing her, so I can't deny her pain (I'm sorry she feels that way, and of course everyone is entilted to their feelings whatever they may be). It just...wasn't. I'm sorry for causing pain and not having the courage to discuss this, but I don't think I'm making cheesy excuses when I say the slight feelings of jealousy have been those that I have repressed for years (because I've known they're not good), and it took me time to even admit they were there.

I remembered them hours after our conversation when I sat alone thinking about them, and I wanted to work through them with myself and a counsellor and discuss them next time I spoke with her. The feelings just didn't enter my head at all when I was speaking to her. I don't excuse the fact I was hasty on my blog (not to mention completely knackered so I wasn't thinking straight), but I get the idea that if I HADN'T mentioned them away from her face, but kept them inside me until I felt like I could properly deal with them, it would have been a lot better. I know I don't need to justify myself, but holding this viewpoint becomes especially difficult when someone refuses to even see it's possible. I didn't plan to backstab her, and I hope someone else can agree with me here.

I guess it doesn't change much though. It's just frustratingly sad that it has to end like this: when I can explain myself she won't listen, and when understanding is needed she won't give it to me. The door has been slammed, and all the responsibility passed to me. I could be wrong but from what mutual friends have told me, this girl seems in high spirits. She just accepts that I'm a complete asshole.

Maybe I'm still doing things wrong.

This friend and her partner have been a huge part of my life for four years, and I won't be able to forget them. Ever. The sad thing is that I still love them deeply and whatever else I've felt in the past, my main feeling now is that I want the best for them both.

I have hope. I've written her a letter, which I'll post in about a month to her. I hope she reads it.

I love you Rose

[WindGuru]

I just...wow.

I don't think I've ever been quite so insulted in my entire life. I'm sorry if it violates rules to bump a thread, but honestly it seems to to be the best thing right now. Things haven't been great recently but I've moved on and they're on the mend. I've spoken with my ex-friend and her partner a few times, civilly, and never for long.

However, I was given an absolutely abusive message last night from my friend's partner. I've been on the receiving end of some heavy abuse in my life, but this was vile; telling me that my personal interests are disgusting and nobody cares what I do, and that I should never get close to someone in my life again because I might "infect them". Apparently there "isn't a part of you that's not revolting" and I've never noticed a friend when they're upset.

That's such an untruth. I've loved other people a lot.

Just thinking about it makes me shake with rage. I've never felt angrier in my entire life. I feel like running out to bash someone's head in...but I know I'm bigger than that. It's frustrating because I wrote a letter (lying unsent in my drawer) to these people telling them I still loved them. I still have it with me. Honestly I respected these people and wanted to try and work things through even still. I've had six years with these people, and for someone to throw **** at me like this is...it beggers belief. I'm trying to love them still, and I do want to, but I know my respect for them is now near zero. Yes, perhaps the onus is on me to do something, but it's hard to when the door hasn't just been slammed in my face, but when someone opens it a crack and then starts firing an AK47 into my face.

I can't honestly work out why they sent this. Apparently it's taken a while to work through, but do they just want to get "one up" on me, or teach me a hard lesson? I appreciate that the person who sent this (my ex-friend's partner) has autism so perhaps imagines that it will help things.

The fact is that it stings because I can see some truth in the words. I have had faulty ideas about what friendship was, and for various reasons (not all in my control, though some have been) I just haven't connected well with many people. I wish I could just toss this message away, but because I respect(ed) these people, it still lingers on.

I'm no saint, and I am sorry for what I've done, but I don't think I'm revolting entirely either.

Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm in a Life of Brian situation:

"You're revolting!"
"I'm not revolting!"
"Only a revolting person denies he is revolting!"
"Alright I am revolting!"