[k12573n]

I am in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. I have been seeing him on and off for about three years now. He has a lot of issues. He was not treated well by his parents, ended up being raised by his grandparents for the majority of his life, was betrayed by women in the past, etc. He keeps me at arm's length most of the time and I never know when I will see him.

He has severe paranoia and depression, and never leaves his house. He recently quit his job, saying he didn't want to work nights anymore. He hasn't found another job and his savings is quickly evaporating. I worry about him but I also worry about myself.

In the past, I have gotten frustrated with him and tried dating other people. I have dated at least a dozen guys since I met him but every time I leave them or cheat on them with him. I don't want anyone else, I want him. I can only think of him. Everyone else seems like a joke to me when I compare them to him.

I don't know what to do.. Do I wait? Do I confront him about his behavior? Do I try to move on? I have tried cutting myself off from him, moving on, even moving away, all in attempts to get over him. It's all been in vain and I don't want to get over him, in any case. I just want to help him.

[Perna]

What is it about "him" you love? I cannot really imagine, from your description, how you could feel that close to him to be able to love him?

I would maybe try working on myself and my needs in therapy, that you would be that strongly attracted to someone that does not sound like he's giving anything back. He has to care for himself, which it does not sound like he's doing, before he can care for you and sounds like he's going in the "wrong" direction to change at the moment.

I would try something other than dating/being in a relationship, get to know myself and what I really wanted first; I don't think you should be that concerned about someone else who is not concerned about themselves, over being concerned about yourself.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by k12573n

I am in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. I have been seeing him on and off for about three years now. He has a lot of issues. He was not treated well by his parents, ended up being raised by his grandparents for the majority of his life

A huge chunk of the world's population (outside of the US) would report having been raised by the grandparents for the majority of the childhood years because young people work outside the home and old people tend to grandchildren and great grandchildren in their homes, and in general the Earth continues to revolve around the Sun.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by k12573n

I am in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable.

He keeps me at arm's length most of the time and I never know when I will see him.

He has severe paranoia and depression, and never leaves his house. He recently quit his job, saying he didn't want to work nights anymore. He hasn't found another job and his savings is quickly evaporating. I worry about him but I also worry about myself.

I don't know what to do.. Do I wait? Do I confront him about his behavior? Do I try to move on? I have tried cutting myself off from him, moving on, even moving away, all in attempts to get over him. It's all been in vain and I don't want to get over him, in any case. I just want to help him.

I do not understand the nature of the problem. Wait for what? Do you want to have children with him? That would be quasi-suicidal, or, at least, much worse than having a child with a sperm donor. What else might you want to wait for? You can continue seeing him and let the future unfold on its own, without too much intervention on your part. Just continue seeing him and maybe somebody else will come along eventually, without effort on your part.

There is no point in confronting him about his behavior - when his savings evaporate, he will need to confront reality on his own without your assistance.

You should not be trying to help him because it will be in vain. If you want to continue seeing him, that is OK, but do not set unrealistic goals about helping him. In other words, you need to get it - you either accept him the way he is or you do not.

It appears that you are somehow attracted to situations of high uncertainty - you report that you never know when you will see him. You can try buying lottery tickets, gambling small amounts of money, or thinking of other alternatives that have uncertain, low likelihood rewards.

You can try being more open with your dating partners apprising them of the fact that you have a concurrent attachment to a highly unusual individual who never leaves his house blaming his difficult childhood with his grandparents for his paranoia and untreated depression and that you would continue to see him from time to time. That would remove the element of cheating/deceit/risk and you can then see if you are still attracted, because it seems that the risk part is a draw for you just as the uncertainty of seeing or not seeing him is a draw for you - risk and uncertainty are basically two sides of the same coin.

You realize that it is highly unusual for a man to never leave his house, do you?

[k12573n]

I could give you a long, involved list of reasons he has issues, like many of the people on this very site. In an interest of brevity, I gave a few quick all-encompassing themes to give an idea of what kind of social issues he faces. I'm really not trying to defend him or make excuses for his behavior but he is messed up much like I am messed up and I think that is part of the reason I am so attached to him.

He makes me feel not so crazy and fragile. He is incredibly smart, funny, sexy, and can be sweet when he wants to be. However, he doesn't give me the emotional exchange that I feel I deserve. I definitely put more into the relationship than he does. He has even acknowledged it. The thing is, it isn't the unavailability, the stoicism, the great sex, the unpredictability that draws me to it. It truly is his personality and his potential. I just feel like they are both held captive by his fears and neuroses.

Everyone else I've dated, I just imagine them talking to him and they can't hold a candle to him in wit or humor.

I'm just miserable waiting around for him to be available or get over his paranoia. But I can't imagine being with anyone else..

[hamster-bamster]

This is extremely weird - the combination of extreme paranoia and wit/humor. Maybe indeed he is a rare gem and you are right that you have a unique attraction to him on the strength of his personality.

Have you ever expressed a desire to see him on a more regular, predictable basis? I mean, if he cannot be emotionally available due to being severely and profoundly messed up, could he at least be physically available with some reassuring frequency?..

Just an idea.

[adam_k]

It sounds like he has major trust issues and is affraid of letting his feelings come out. I bet he has them even though he doesn't show it, the way you expect. I think if he started to deal with some of his problems like depressionz he could work on being more open on how he feels. It sounds like he had a rough time during his young development years. At that stage we learn how to trust, and share things, and express ourselves. Being with abusive parents at that age could have stunted that development and left him clueless on how to express how he is feeling or worse he could be invalidating his own feelings. You can love him and be there, but it is his choice on how to work on himself and what he wants his life to be. I suggest to be honest with him about how you feel and make him feel safe to share things with you. I think ultimately he needs to work on himself if the releationship is to suceed.

[k12573n]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

This is extremely weird - the combination of extreme paranoia and wit/humor. Maybe indeed he is a rare gem and you are right that you have a unique attraction to him on the strength of his personality.

Have you ever expressed a desire to see him on a more regular, predictable basis? I mean, if he cannot be emotionally available due to being severely and profoundly messed up, could he at least be physically available with some reassuring frequency?..

Just an idea.

It is an extremely weird situation between two extremely weird people. -_- He's definitely not the only one of the two of us who has issues, either, which makes it even more difficult. He is different from anyone I've ever met, smarter, funnier, and I'm more attracted to him than any other man I've ever met. It's bizarre but that's all I've got to tell.

He has a few close friends from his hometown but they've all moved or stopped talking to him. He plays WoW and never leaves the house. He doesn't allow ANYONE to show up at his house unannounced/uninvited because it throws his mind off completely and causes him a lot of undue distress. He has a lot of anxiety and it causes him to retreat into his hermitage.

I do think that for things to improve, at least for me, between us, he will have to confront his issues himself. I just don't know if there is anything I can do to motivate that. I think that is my main dilemma: wanting him to get better, feel better, be more open, but being afraid of causing a knee-jerk reaction and him cutting me off. He seems like he has just accepted that he will be miserable and alone for the rest of his life but the thought of him sitting in a dark room, depressed and alone, forever makes my heart hurt. He has way too much potential to live and die that way.

So, yes.. this is the most I've ever told anyone about this situation. I appreciate you guys' advice.. I've been really lost in the whole thing for the last couple of years.

[almostthere]

Ahh!!! Love is a very powerful human emotion.

I've been there and I longed for holding tight to it so it doesn't go away.

It's a fleeting thing for many people in our society. Because the man that u r presently in love with has trust issues it may b wise to let him go and move on with ur life. I know u may find that cold and uncaring but let me share with u something.

I'm a man who was married for some thirty-four years to the same woman.
When we first got married i was the happiest man on the planet!!!

As the years went by and I got older and wiser I discovered that my ex-wife no longer loved me. It was devasting to me.

At a job i was working some years ago I met and fell in love with another woman. I'm still in love with her but she also was married and had a lot of issues. Long story short we both lost our jobs to lay offs and seeing each other on a regular basis was out of the question.

Needless to say my ex-wife found out about my affair but what really hurt her deeply was how I felt about the other woman.

In order for me to move own with my life i had to remove all my good memories with the other woman. I was concerned about her well being and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't completely, or entirely forget about her. I'm doing better forgetting about her but when i hear a certain song, or drive by the places we use to spend alone time together, the memories come back!!!

I sincerely hope, that if u love this man like u say u do that you will be able to work things out.

If not, then I leave it 2 u to make the best decision..

"almosthere"

Originally Posted by k12573n

I am in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. I have been seeing him on and off for about three years now. He has a lot of issues. He was not treated well by his parents, ended up being raised by his grandparents for the majority of his life, was betrayed by women in the past, etc. He keeps me at arm's length most of the time and I never know when I will see him.

He has severe paranoia and depression, and never leaves his house. He recently quit his job, saying he didn't want to work nights anymore. He hasn't found another job and his savings is quickly evaporating. I worry about him but I also worry about myself.

In the past, I have gotten frustrated with him and tried dating other people. I have dated at least a dozen guys since I met him but every time I leave them or cheat on them with him. I don't want anyone else, I want him. I can only think of him. Everyone else seems like a joke to me when I compare them to him.

I don't know what to do.. Do I wait? Do I confront him about his behavior? Do I try to move on? I have tried cutting myself off from him, moving on, even moving away, all in attempts to get over him. It's all been in vain and I don't want to get over him, in any case. I just want to help him.

[ja22383]

You can't help him. You can't fix him. You should move on for your own well being.

I had this exact relationship about 10 years ago. In fact it's so eerily similar that it could be the same man. I loved him so deeply, but he was mentally ill and it took me a long time to accept that. I was always giving and he was always taking from me emotionally. It was and exhausting and unfair relationship. In the end I knew that we would never be able to be happy together and that he couldn't meet my needs. I had to convince myself that I deserved better. I also had problems staying away from him for long. I had to cut all contact with him and ask him to do the same. I told him not to pick up if I called and not to answer the door if I stopped by. It was so hard in the beginning, it got easier after 6 months, and after a year I hardly thought about him at all. After 6 years we had a chance meeting and all that chemistry came right back. I decided to give it another go. I figured we were both really changed people. Sadly, he wasn't. Only this time I was more self aware and mature and I knew not to compromise myself for another person. I told him that I hoped he could be happy one day and wished him the best. I still care for him deeply, but only as a friend.

Your guy has to decide he wants to help himself. He is just not there and he may never be. You're only delaying your own happiness by waiting for him to change. He's only going to continue to suck you further into the dark hole that he's in.