Problems with husband

My husband has bipolar. We have been together for 11 years.We have been fighting ALOT! It's also bringing us alot closer. (Weird, I know!) we don't plan on leaving each other. I have really been trying to be loving and really show him! I sent him a text telling him that he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He texts back thank you! It seems like I am constantly trying to tell him what I need from him, which is his love! We have been holding hands things are SLOWLY happening, but it seems like he really don't care about me! I hold him, he just sits there! I tell him it's nice when he Texts me to tell me goodnight(I work overnight) he hasn't.Ive voluntarily done some of his chores to show my love and he gets mad at me thinking I'm mad at him!!!! I just feel like I'm in this and trying with no support from him! I realize it may take time. Am I being selfish for wanting a husband to love me? Will he ever? Is it possible to have a loving bipolar husband or are they always selfish? I'm just so confused, I don't want to leave him but I want to get my needs met! How do I not rely on him to get my needs met without cheating? It hurts so much and I'm so confused!

Ask him, are his needs being met? Make sure he answers you sincerely. I'm guessing there are things he's unhappy about that he needs to communicate to you. If he communicates sincerely with you but his actions don't reflect his words, I would guess his bipolarism is interfering, in which case I'd have him see a therapist specializing in that area.

Isn't your husband in therapy? If he's NOT, he should be !!! Is he on medicatiion? If he's not, he SHOULD be!!!

Have you asked him if he loves you? BiPolar people can feel emotions, even tho they may be screwed up. Generally, they aren't completely NUMB. But your husband needs therapy, and badly! See that he gets into therapy, and SOON.

No you're not being selfish. Of course you want your husband to love you. But right now he's very screwed up, and he needs help. Make SURE he gets it, okay?

Let us know what happens, ok? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I would concentrate more on your behavior and less on your husband's. It sounds like you are giving him gifts with the idea that they "should" be repaid. If you want your husband to text you at work, you probably need to tell him; "text me this evening right before you go to bed, I really enjoy hearing from you when I am at work" instead of just being vague about it, merely thankful when he does, thinking that will get him to do more.

We have to "train" other people, educate them in what we like, they cannot always infer from comments what we want them to do. Texting him that he's the best thing that ever happened to you and his texting back "thank you" is a good exchange; I do not see anything there to be disappointed with? You cannot expect him to text on his own, necessarily, he may not enjoy texting? Guys think differently and are not necessarily as demonstrative as we are. If we are honest with ourselves (Why did you text him he was the best thing that ever happened to you?) we often have a whole lot more going on with our behaviors, an agenda of our own and, because we see it clearly, think those around us can too; but they can't read our minds!

One thing that helped me with my husband's behavior was realizing that things I thought he should do were things I wanted done. Think about that; whose responsibility is it to get the things I want? Mine. When I would get annoyed at him because the kitchen trash can was overflowing, I'm the one that sees/cares so it is my job to empty it or to ask him if he would empty it. We assume other people see what we see and feel what we feel and want what we want but that is not true. There is no right/wrong way or time to put the toilet paper on the roll It's all how we have grown up and become accustomed and that's not necessarily our SO learned/likes.

Yes, he's on medication and therapy, it just don't seem to work! His therapists basically say he's right and I'm wrong! They really don't give solutions! I really don't intend on showing him love to get love back, it is just kinda expected! I DO tell him what I need from him, he just ignores me! I always ask him if I'm meeting his needs, what can I do for him, etc! He either don't answer or says he don't want to talk about it because it will just start a fight! He says I'm always so angry and that he can't talk to me, that's not true, I really try no to be so angry! I really don't know what he wants from me!

I would not be able to text somebody so frequently because I hate texting and in general do not like using the keyboard on the cell phone. For me the idea of routine daily texting would be overwhelming. Of course, if this is the case with him, he should let you know about that.

I also do not see any crime in what he did. What did you expect? Did you expect him to say that you are the best thing ever happened to HIM?

Does he like holding hands though?

I do not - I had never done it with any adult man until a guy I date (dinners, a couple of kisses, nothing else, but a very nice guy) tried holding hands with me for a few moments and for me it was way too funny to sustain for any length of time, because to me adults kiss, engage in sex, and do other such things that are age-appropriate for them. I did hold hands with my boyfriend in third grade and it was very very touching and I still remember how touching it was, but since I am no longer in third grade, I cannot think of holding hands with an adult man and keeping a straight face. Plus, the guy I date is way taller than I am and it was really awkward to walk next to him while holding hands with him.

Your H may not be like me, but I am just showing that not everybody likes texting, holding hands, etc. etc. It is not a given.

I understand where you're coming from - we all need reassurance of love from time to time, and would expect it from our spouse. Lets face it, when we are married and tell someone we love them, I would say its fair to expect to hear someone loves you back when you tell them.

I think his therapist is wrong to say that he's right and you're wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting a little bit of reassurance and I feel that they are not helping matters - he will listen to them because am sure that's what he wants to hear. We all have levels of need, so your husband should understand that and the therapist shouldn't say that your level is wrong (unless you are very insecure and need too much reassurance).

Was he like this all your married life? I wonder if you knew what you were letting yourself in for. I don't mean that in a nasty way, its just that sometimes we think that we can change people with time and its often not the case. Oh, and is he more affectionate when he's on an 'up' if he gets them?

I wonder if its worth going to couples therapy too - at least that way you may be able to explain where you are coming from. I do think tho you may have to either settle for less loving behaviour than you may expect due to his illness, but I do not think you should settle for none at all. He's a depressed man, but that does not mean his is incapable of listening to your needs and understanding them, even if he finds it hard to express it often. To refuse to talk about it because it turns into a row is unfair, its avoidance. Combined with your anger & need to learn how to talk without it is what makes me think that couples therapy may help you out. Nothing to lose anyway?

It may also be worth telling your husbands docs and therapists that it's not working. It's ok to get second opinions too...

Good luck..